Category: marriage

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fiction marriage men women

The Not Shall agreement (3 of 3)

Panda
Terms to be discussed.

Gabbe
Let’s stay away from technical language. I want to just be frank and open so there are no misunderstandings. This is a mediation and not a deposition.

Panda
I’d like to state for the record that all verbal agreements, yes, affirmative, okays and alrights are valid unless stated in the record.

Gabbe
Duly noted.

Horlick
What’s first?

Vanessa
You mean, what’s only. Money. That’s why we’re in this room. Would you marry me if I had … didn’t have … four hundred million dollars?

Panda
That’s liquid. Plus six hundred million in assets and climbing.

Vanessa
Don’t be vulgar, Stanley.

Neil
I’m not…

Vanessa
No, no. This is what you aspire to. You’ve done nothing but shop since we started going out. I watched that documentary by your former boss. I realised that I can buy the love of a doting husband.

Panda
Strike that from the record. It is an emotional statement meant for contextual purposes only and does not constitute a basis for this agreement.

Tori
Noted, and so stricken.

Gabbe
Would you like to say something, Mr Ross?

Neil
I’m insulted and hurt, so no.

Gabbe
Perhaps we should continue to the first items on the agenda. You have them listed here as “Not Shalls.”

Vanessa
They’re like commandments. I learned from my mother’s first three marriages that there is the need for honesty. It makes everyone clear.

Gabbe
Do you have an opinion on this?

Neil
I can’t believe you’re painting me as a gigolo. You know I am attracted to you. The fact that we’re getting married makes us equal.

Vanessa
You’re attracted to me? How sweet you are. As for equality, why don’t I give my money to charity and become a stylist?

Neil
No problem. Do it.

Panda
Your father left you stewardship of his estate and controlling interest in his group of companies. You can’t just give away your obligations.

Vanessa
Thwarted by vested interests. What luck for you, my darling little duck.

Neil
That’s a nasty thing to say. I’m not here for that.

Vanessa
I know I’m not pretty.

Neil
Please, there is no need to feel insecure. I’m committed.

Panda
But, what are you committed to?

Gabbe
Uhmm… May we proceed with the list?

Panda
All my client is saying is that she is a human being with feelings. She wants to retain her self respect.

Gabbe
Would you like to say something reassuring before we continue, Mr Ross?

Neil
This is hard for me, as I feel a lot of this is private.

Horlick
Let’s just get on with the list.

Panda
Not Shalls.

Eli
Here’s my handkerchief.

Neil
Just cut out the theatrics!

Vanessa
This counts as emotional abuse. Discounting my feelings. Calling them theatrics.

Neil
This is abuse, ganging up on me with this team of lawyers.

Vanessa
You didn’t complain about my team when they got you a coffee and a quick chat with Bruce.

Eli
Let that be stricken.

Gabbe
Not shall everyone be overreacting, please.

Vanessa
Okay, can we please just punch this out? My biological clock is ticking.

Gabbe
Not shall one: Both partners shall not deviate from a strict vegan diet. Meals outside of the home are to be prepared at a list of approved kitchens in each of the following territories.

Neil
Wait…

Vanessa
You told me you were a vegan when we met. You only buy organic vegetables. You only eat out at Soigné. You swim three kilometres every morning. That’s why we connected. We had so much in common.

Neil
I need …

Gabbe
Do you agree or do you disagree?

Neil
Yes. I mean, yes, I agree.

Tori
Noted.

Eli
Not shall two.

Gabbe
Not shall two: Both parties shall not deviate from a strict regime of physical, aesthetic and emotional upkeep.

Horlick
That’s three things.

Eli
Blah, blah. One category, upkeep.

Gabbe
Upkeep includes scheduled appointments with physical trainers, physicians, aestheticians, and Kabbalah teachers. Appointments may include therapy, counseling, physical examinations, semen sample submissions, drug screening and biweekly STI panels.

Neil
I can … Yes. I agree.

Gabbe
Not shall three: Both parties shall not break a period of strict celibacy after the conception of each child, for a period of one year. After which, relations may continue by mutual consent.

Vanessa
It’s part of my religion. Celibacy during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Neil
What religion? You liar. We do it three times a night now.

Vanessa
His religion is Oscar de la Renta, Tom Ford, Comme des Garçons… I respect his religion by letting him use my Amex Black Card to the maximum limit. Every month.

Eli
Stated for the record: Miss Plank respects her future husband’s religion and has supported him fully while they are engaged.

Gabbe
Religious intolerance is strictly prohibited. Respect for either party’s religion is a non negotiable, I’m afraid. Now, do you agree or disagree?

Neil
Damn you. Yes, I agree.

Gabbe
Not shall four: Both parties shall not exceed an interpersonal proximity of two hundred kilometres in radius to be activated at agreement signing, until the youngest child reaches the age of majority.

Panda
That’s eighteen.

Neil
I agree. This is sounding like a jail sentence.

Horlick
Please strike that last passionate flourish from the record.

Tori
Duly stricken.

Vanessa
That’s why they call wives the ball and chain. He’s already accustomed to it. Frank Müller watches at Christmas. Family friend discounts at Versace. Homes in Athens, Rome, Berlin.

Neil
This is getting ridiculous.

Panda
It is called a prenuptial agreement. If you had the money, we would be negotiating the installation of cameras in her eye sockets.

Vanessa
I would not show up on his radar, in the first place. What was her name again? The model you said you wanted to buy?

Neil
That’s an awful thing to say. That was pillow talk. Fantasy …

Vanessa
She’s nineteen. Right… Her name is Roja. She is a starving model, a high school dropout, who is almost half my age. I hired her as my full time personal assistant. You can stare at her all day, but if you so much as sniff her. If I can’t get pregnant, she’s agreed to be my surrogate.

Neil
You’re sick.

Vanessa
I’m a paying customer!

Panda
Not shall five, please.

Gabbe
Not shall five: Mr Ross shall not engage in paid or unpaid employment with any employer other than the Gareth E Plank Memorial Foundation, as its chief operating officer.

Neil
Okay, finally, something I can agree to while keeping my manhood. Yes, I agree.

Vanessa
Thanks for not asking if it’s a paid gig.

Neil
Screw you!

Vanessa
Actually, when we’re finished here, that will be your only duty as COO.

Eli
Ha! Chief “Operating” Officer. I get it. What?! That’s funny …

Vanessa
Shall we continue?

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Earth Her Dark Arts marriage men women

End of Section Two

This header marks the end of Section Two of this installation. The scripts and art that follow this header, that have not been marked as “Asides” belong in this phase of the installation. Thank you for your warm support.

 

Categories
fiction marriage men women

Strip Minecraft

Moorelove
See that right there?

Lilibeth
Yeah, okay… Hey, you! We’re playing Strip Minecraft in ten seconds so get your act together. Check body parts and undergarments at the loo.

Oren
I’m in.

Lilibeth
Pour yourself some wine. It’ll be extra fun if we all get smashed.

Oren
Thanks.

Maggie
Wait, what are we stripping?

Lilibeth
Yourself. I hope you’re wearing a lot of underwear. I want a slow buildup of tension. You in, baby?

Moorelove
Absolutely. Let me finish setting up and I’m all yours.

Lilibeth
If your tongue finds its way into your partner’s mouth, we will not look away. Maggie, you good to go?

Maggie
I’m … I …

Lilibeth
Come on now, you’re married. We know you do it. It’s just that now you’ve got a live studio audience.

Oren
C’mon, it’ll be fun.

Maggie
I am not sure where this is going. I am not into the kinky stuff.

Lilibeth
Married couples making out is so hot. It’s like love, commitment and lust. If I had a penis, I’d have a boner right now just thinking about that.

Maggie
It’s a bit personal. I think it’s most appropriate for the bedroom. I’m a lady.

Moorelove
If you’re ladylike you’re not doing it properly.

Oren
Amen! What’re the rules, first of all?

Lilibeth
I’ve never played Minecraft before so I’ll make it simple. If we build something you take off something. One item per pair, per turn.

Oren
When is it over?

Lilibeth
When his face is buried in my crotch and my eyes are rolling over in my head.

Oren
Game on!

Maggie
Wait. I don’t want to be the subject of gossip back home or read about this on social media. If my crochet group found out, I’d be salted.

Lilibeth
Margaret, we are all adults here. Who cares what we do in a dark room while drunk? God, you’re uptight.

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art marriage men women

Notes (1/3)

A rigid thinking dinner companion said it was impossible to paint a drawing of an apple all black. Black gouache exists, and so do felt tipped markers. Therefore, it is possible and I did it the very next day. I emailed her a photo of the finished work. Naturally, she was appalled at my bloody mindedness.

My sister’s first question when she saw “Rational” was, “What’s that in the middle?” I knew I was on to something. I had hit upon it in a post last year without realising how pervasive the problem was. If it’s not in the (colour) you expect, it can’t be (an apple).

The symbolism was deliberate: a drawing of an apple is not an apple. A drawing is not an eatable fruit. The painting represents our blind devotion to symbolic reality regardless of the shapes, colours or textures that in fact inform our day to day experiences.

The problem is, I’m surrounded by women who get their panties in a tangle over unimportant things such as these. Like, for real as Britney said, are you kidding me. No wonder there’s panic in this industry called womanhood. I mean, please.

Feminism is another rigid construct. It encourages men and women to use slogans instead of examining their behaviour. Years ago, a feminist writer protested being sexualised in an elevator but earlier had no problems tonguing out a guy she barely knew in their wedding ceremony in front of two hundred bewildered strangers. Their courtship played out on public access message boards and blogs. It’s the same thing. You’re a horny girl and you’re up for grabs. The man was rational. He made a calculated decision. You’re angry he’s seen through your sceptical bullshit.

Take another friend, who devolved into a slow roasted insanity after her husband asked for a separation. A separation is just what she needs to become financially secure and rebuild her life. No. She makes him breakfast every morning thinking this effort will work telepathically to convince him to return home. If I ever get married, I want a husband who is that devoted to me. I want to be his religion. I can do no wrong. Yes, that perfect world exists.

She later told me she realised her problem. It was that she was incapable of getting angry at the mistreatment. She’s put him first and has always gone without. You cannot say to a person like that: “Now it’s your turn. It’s time for you.” She further said she had no goals for herself, as she would need a self for which to create goals. With a husband, her self was largely predefined for her. Society told her, this is the only self that matters. Imagine hitting your mid forties without a working knowledge of “me”?

Think about it. Is it all worth the human sacrifice you are making of yourself right now?

In Western society we don’t even understand love at all. Love is not an expansive concept, if we have it our way. It’s limiting. We speak of love and leave others to conflate with it their various ideas of what we could mean. Or vice versa. We hear it and impose our own meanings.

Perhaps we should take a Hindu perspective. The material universe is too small a container for love. From a purely mathematical perspective, it is irrational. We cannot grasp the edges of it and that’s why it is so powerful and transformative when we receive it.

Are you receiving? Is your phone on the hook? Are your doors all wide open?

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marriage men women

Girl, yuh gone

This is not the super fabulous popcorn movie review site, but I’ll try my best. I have been resisting the urge to watch any film not a Mission Impossible instalment, but after watching someone’s walls cave in as she was faced with a crumbling marriage, I relented. I took her to see the film Gone Girl, this afternoon.

My aim was to illustrate to her that her marriage problems were not easily fixable and that she needed to not ask her friends and family to persuade an emotionally abusive man to stay with her. It is disrespectful and he’ll definitely react against any form of emotional blackmail. He said he wanted a one year separation and I advised her to go with it, along with a detailed separation contract so that she’s not financially supporting her husband’s mistress. It’s sound advice, which is what I thought she wanted but she says its impossible to agree to be separated because they’re married. Completely twisted logic, at which point I thought I would stop giving any more advice.

Her priest, relatives, mentors and attorney have already advised her to sign off on his petition to divorce. Their message, “You’re being abused. Don’t put up with it.” I asked her what she thought of this advice and she says she’ll allow him any number of mistresses and help repay his huge debts if he stays in the marriage. This was said even as she complained that he spent her savings on a Mercedes Benz; while her husband’s Disneyland trip with another woman was marked in his calendar. Even as the repayment notices piled up in her post box, she asked everyone around her to cheer her on and guarantee results in the situation. Then she complained that he casually had breakfast, which she prepared for him, minutes before leaving with his stuff. Insane, right? Now you know why I was screaming in my head as I calmly listened to all that. Lots of women behave like this when they should be losing their patience.

As I’ve discussed in October, a woman in love is her own worst enemy. My cousin will end up in exactly this position someday, and she is already incapable of seeing her situation objectively or hearing any reasonable advice. I found the film, Gone Girl, to be underwhelming for the hype. (What is it with the US media and the silly reactions to nothing in particular?)

However, there are valuable lessons to be learned from the story. It situates the characters at the lowest point of anticlimax. They are crushed by the weight of failure, but refuse to comfort each other. As it turns out, they love their own avatars. Ben Batfleck’s character is the type of guy who demands, even believes that he is entitled to, the hottest woman in town. He believes his awesomeness will convince the woman to relinquish her right to a perspective. His every pronouncement is ambrosia, his bodily secretions are nectar.

Hotness. You don’t marry a person’s body parts. You marry their principles. This is someone you trust with your life, but most people I know are not honest enough to admit they get caught up in that checklist of physical, sociocultural and financial assets. In doing so, they ignore the seed of bigger problems that will explode in the marriage later. The mistakes are made over and over again. The lessons are never learned.

Any woman can let a man talk and talk about his dreams and visions and go along with them to win his approval. But how many men would marry a woman who says, “You deluded wanker. Find something useful to do”? Women are taught that it’s important to support a life partner no matter what, and many are prepared to lie to “get” one. Rosamund Pike’s character is interesting because she knows that her husband wants to be fed lies, and he needs to prop up his fragile ego. He’s prepared to marry a pathological, manipulative vampire in order to get his ego stroked. She needs to go darker and darker in order to maintain the first lie, which is that she thinks he’s awesome.

Lying requires a lot of energy, so when Rosamund’s resources are depleted, Ben Batfleck’s character needs a buxom young girl who is easily influenced to help him with his self esteem problem. He trains his mistress by praising her underwear. After that, he feeds her the “us” fantasy and sends her on her way, to self-delude on her own time. He lets her believe that frantic assignations in his office will guarantee his love and devotion. He should have thought of this strategy the first time around, and married a young, naïve girl. But he lied to himself in the first place, thinking he was able to take on a sophisticated, overexposed woman and force her to submit to his mediocre ideations. “I’m better than you, and I can control you,” is what he is thinking. He does not have what it takes to achieve this, because Rosamund had the jump on him from “Hello.”

The person I saw the movie with said it was a timely intervention. In the same breath, she set about creating a social media account to keep up with her husband’s mistress. Her husband got it right with her, his second time around the marriage wheel. He took advantage of her inexperience and rigid thinking. Fifteen years later, she is prepared to endure anything because her mother-in-law assured her he will come back, eventually, “dead or alive.”

Batfleck’s problem is that he’s not a smooth operator. He figured he would ask an overly pampered muse for “a divorce.” Because life’s that simple, right? Use the woman and discard her when she is straining to hold it together for you. The bulk of the film shows his acknowledgement of the fact that his freedom is fair exchange for undeserved praise. He was insane to think that any woman that was happy to go along with his delusions would not devolve into a bloodthirsty psychopath.