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fiction

New tax penalties for single women

Government introduces new tax penalties for single women and fashion bloggers
by Shalala Riceampeas
SB NEWS
April 27, 2015 09:15 GMT

The Government has announced in the 2015 Spring Statement and 2015 Finance Bill, tax measures that are likely to be welcomed by men who have been unable to find girlfriends in the dating pool, bars and pubs.

Three tax measures are intended to support peer-to-peer introductions; online dating services; dental clinics; hair salons and fitness clubs.

  1. From April 2016, a new tax penalty of 10% will be introduced for women who do not register their relationship status as “in a relationship” on HateBook. All women are required to register their relationship status with local councils. Verification documents may include vacation photos, party videos, xrated chats, and not safe for work videos.
  2. The Government will be introducing an additional 20% income tax for all fashion and beauty bloggers who fail to register as being “in a relationship” as of April 2017.
  3. Finally, the Government will build on its promise to stamp out antisocial behaviour among unmarried women with relationship training, love life inspections and registration centres throughout the country.

The introduction of the tax penalties will encourage more women to develop the skills to attract men and keep them interested. Relief will therefore be offered to men who have said they are not having any luck picking up women in bars, nightclubs, restaurants, train stations, book stores, or hotel lobbies.

Finance Minister Spahm Bherger has said that single women “spend too much of their income on scented candles, handbags, shoes, lacy underwear and cosmetics.” He further said that, “women with boyfriends or husbands tend to make meals at home and do laundry. We believe that the new tax measures will help more men to have their nutrition and intimacy needs met at home.” News of the crackdown has caused a surge in the number of registrations at KindHer, BindHer and Gatch.com. Independent matchmaking services have also seen a surge in customers.

Bella Donna, a pole play choreographer at PolinEX, has said she will need more staff to help teach scores of women who have registered for nightly pole and lap dancing lessons. Some fashion bloggers have seen the new tax measure as a way to make quick cash. They offer wardrobe arrangement, makeup and etiquette lessons via Skype.

Fashion blogger Raga Muffine charges $50 per hour for fruit licking lessons at her tiny apartment in the city. Clients bring their own ripe bananas or Twinkies to class. Ms Muffine provides the whipped cream, maple syrup or chocolate sauce at no extra cost.

According to the Spring Statement, the Government will not recognise unmarried same sex couples. This means that women will not be able to pretend they are in relationships with their single girlfriends in an attempt to avoid paying the tax.

Finally, the Government has also announced its intention to introduce new online systems. These are the Social Engagement Kickstart Scheme (SEKS) and Seed Injection Scheme (SIS). These systems are geared at providing legal insurance to companies as encouragement to relax rules about staff relations and sexual harassment policies, making it less problematic for busy women to flirt with men and find boyfriends at work.

The schemes are likely to be of interest to not only nerds and geeks who traditionally have no game, but also to speed dating providers who wish to provide lunchtime dating sessions for corporate clients.

Divorced women and widows will also be penalised.

What are your thoughts on the proposed changes? Tweet us: @kissmycinnabuns. Image via Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.

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creative writing news

Blogger wins war against Free Speech

Blogger wins war against free speech
By Demon Barbra Politrix
Last updated: March 24, 2015
3,333,333 Comments

At an awards ceremony in New York last night, WordPress blogger Manco Pride was announced as the winner of the 2015 Bastiat Prize for Online Journalism for his essay: I don’t get it: I hate poetry, art and one subject only blogs and you should unfollow them.

Book burning ceremony in honour of Pride’s achievement.

This is great news. Pride’s complaints about blogs with poetry, art and colourful backgrounds started the debate over whether bloggers should in fact publish whatever they like on their blogs. Manco’s “I don’t get it” essay raised questions about the intelligence of artists, poets, fiction writers, people who don’t speak English, whiney bitches and lonely girls who can’t stop blogging about how much their lives suck.

His essay started the Free Speech Apocalypse. Also, it is fair to say, his work gravely damaged the reputation of artists, poets and free thinkers around the world. This comes after the Social Research Unit at the University of Deadbeats manipulated data in order to exaggerate the reach of the blogger’s opinions.

Black macarons. Courtesy Guardian UK.

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has said that “double standards is the name of the international human rights game” and that we all have to suck it up or Manco will get upset. China, Russia, Mongolia, and North Korea are defiant. They have called out the United Nations for allowing art and literature to be destroyed at the whim of a miserable blogging dictator.

Black chocolate and marshmallow cookies. Courtesy Poires au Chocolat.
Bjork eats squid ink pasta. Courtesy pixgood.com viaTumblr.

Artists, poets and writers worldwide were happy to sabotage their careers to make Pride feel like the smartest dude on WordPress.

Oxford University, founded in 872, has announced that it will close after 1143 years because Pride doesn’t “get” why academics write essays. Before closing, the university will assist the UK National Archives and erase from historical record, poets such as W. B. Yeats, and William Wordsworth. Philosophers and aristocrats not featured in e-sports will also be erased.

Starbucks wants Manco to keep buying their coffee, so the company is changing the green mermaid logo to black. The company’s 70 million customers will only be served milk, water, vanilla macarons, black cookies and black sesame paste on a plain piece of white bread.

Image courtesy Harley Vasquez on Google + Elephants march off to warmer climates for winter. They have escaped the global backlash thanks to their grey colour.

Raf Simons, head designer at Christian Dior, said Manco’s revolutionary stand made him a “champion for limited expression and intellectual laziness, both of which make the work of designing so easy because we only need to wrap models in sheets.”

Vogue Editor in Chief Anna Wintour has said she will never again publish an edition of Vogue without Manco’s approval. The last three editions featured 200 blank pages. Wintour reportedly supported Manco’s opinions by removing all the words. She has said she “desperately” wants him to like her.

A model wears a creation from Marko Mitanovski.

The Bastiat Prize is a heavy-hitting award by the free-market International Politics Network, given for both print and online journalism. Judges in previous years have included the Nobel Prize Winners James Buchanan, Milton Friedman, and Margaret Thatcher.