Categories
Earth Mars

Manitoba

[ Translated ]

Di
[ Downloading dictionaries. ]

Ti
[ Are we using the child’s translation protocol. ]

Di
[ Yes. It should let us read what they are saying off our visors. We might not be able to communicate over voice protocols. ]

Ei
[ Mission command: Upload a voice protocol patch sooner than at once. Code override through external speakers in our breathing masks. ]

Chris
What’s up? Are you guys on location? Is that a glider? It’s fracking awesome!

Kim
Are those the Mars Elect Turbo ski masks Junya Watanabe designed for Comme Des Garçons? I love. I want. I need. Did you know, Junya spoke his design idea to an AI that was created for him by British Aeorspace? The AI did all of the layouts in three dimensional holograms.

Chris
I had no idea. But, those look like a tight fit. Are yours customised? I mean, that should cost you a fortune already.

Kim
Can we take photos with you for my Instagram? My friends are not going to believe this.

Chris
Where are you guys from?

Kim
Thanks… Wait…. One more….

Di
Mars. Sector Five Gorant A…. Quadrant A.

Chris
Cool. I’ve always wanted to visit Norway. Especially for the winter sports.

Kim
Yeah. Winters get so lonely out here in Manitoba, Christopher. Let’s both get in the shot.

Chris
You guys lost?

Di
Yes. We lost this.

Kim
That’s … What is that? Is it … Aren’t you guys shooting that movie? Lam..Lamba.. Lamda Six.

Ti
We do not shoot. We are Scout Team Delta.

Chris
Location scouts, cool.

Ei
Have you seen this object.

Chris
I haven’t, but we could drive around in my snowmobile. It’s a converted VW bug… it’s … safe. I don’t know if you can all fit.

Ei
Do you know the area well “Manitoba, Christopher.”

Chris
Yeah. I …we grew up here.

Kim
You guys all sound like Siri. That’s weird.

Chris
Who’da thunk it? The male voice was modelled after a Norwegian.

Ti
We have no currency. If you help us search the sector, we will give you our ground scout vehicle. As payment.

Kim
Awesome. But you don’t need to do that, eh. We’re cool with Instagram photos.

Chris
Yeah. Welcome to Canada. We’ll help you look. Come on. Get in.

Ei
Let us make two teams. Christopher. Ground. … Glide … Gliders …

Chris
I get to glide on that?!! Fracking awesome!!! What’s this?

Ti
It is called a Frame Loaded Z Axis Gravitational Compensator.

Chris
A what now?

Ti
Synonym… magnet… It is a “fracking awesome!!!” magnet. Strap it on your wrist, directly on the skin. It will prevent you separating from the glider.

Chris
See ya!

Kim
I’m Kim. Where do I go?

Ei
Kim. Air. Commode.

Kim
You mean stay here? I’m good. But you guys can go ahead if you like… Where’s your commode?

Di
You are standing in front of it.

Kim
I don’t think you guys should go to the bathroom out here. Not at these temperatures. You guys should know that, being from Norway.

Di
Kim is not wearing a visor. Perhaps deactivate the sensory disruptors.

Kim
Holyshitthatsnotacommode!!!

Ei
[ Resonance imaging is detecting acute restriction of blood flow to the cerebrum. Showing serosecretions from these mirrored organs here ].

Di
[ He might not be properly insulated from the cold. Help me carry him. He’ll warm up indoors. ]

Ei
[ On count of three, two, one … ]

Ei and Di
[ Lift! ]

Categories
Earth fiction

The Premiere

ABC
Let’s get you dusted down here. Liz, get me a fluffy mic cover?

AP
We don’t need him yet.

Getty
Mr. Shultz, we’ll need you to wait here for another three minutes.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
What about me? I’m in the movie, too.

Shultz
They’re under a lot of pressure. I’ll say something to the producers later.

Elle
You don’t have to go to the trouble.

Shultz
It’s okay. I’m happy to do it.

Getty
Could you guys get a bit tighter? To the right of the poster, please? Mr. Shultz, put your arm around her waist.

Shultz
Alright.

Elle
Wow. That was nice.

Shultz
You’re welcome.

AP
No smiles, please. Look straight ahead. Now just talk casually. Thank you.

Elle
It’s okay, you don’t have to move your hand.

Shultz
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

Elle
It’s okay, I’m very comfortable.

Shultz
Do you have everything?

Getty
Just wait for the press bank, please. They’ll want you next.

ABC
Standing by for live feed. Tony?

Elle
I’m staying at the Marriott. I’ve got a suite courtesy of mutual friends.

Shultz
Mutual friends?

Elle
Quentin, of course.

ABC
I’m sorry, could you stand over to this side? The tree’s not playing well.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
I mean, you could swing by. I’m in one of the executive suites. I think it’s five seven seven.

ABC
Tony? It’s going alright. We’re waiting for commercials to end. Two minutes.

Shultz
Yolanda, could you call my wife?

Assist
Right away.

Shultz
Tell her I’m on my way home right after this interview. Ask her if she wants to stay in or go out. Set it up.

Assist
Will do.

Elle
Has Cassandra seen the film as yet? The Internet’s been talking about our steamy love scene.

Shultz
I think Quentin cut it. Didn’t you hear? He said he didn’t like it. It was gratuitous.

Elle
What?! It’s a shame Quentin’s such a prude. I’m sure you can use your influence to have the editors dig it up and leak it online. Our fans deserve to see it, don’t you think?

St Lucas
Shultz, how are you?

Shultz
Sweet Jesus! You scared the crap out of me.

St Lucas
Hello, I’m …

Elle
I know who you are. You’re setting the world on fire. Nice work.

St Lucas
Thank you…

ABC
Forty seconds.

Shultz
I have an on-air interview. Now.

St Lucas
Can you make some time for me? There’s a thing…Just came up out of the blue. Thought you might be interested. It’s a humanitarian effort, a throwback to your “Batman” days. It needs someone with a sizeable codpiece.

Shultz
I’m never going to live that down. I’m leaving right after the interview, perhaps we can catch up later?

ABC
Fifteen seconds.

St Lucas
Why don’t I just ride out with you?

Shultz
Sure. I’d love you to meet my wife. Hang out, right over there!

ABC
And we’re live in five, four, three, two, one.