Tag: Marcus and Storm

Categories
celebrity fiction men

Socialite Media

Photo by energepic.com

Jupiter
Your wife asked me to talk to you. I see that you were admitted after a panic attack. Panic attacks are often caused by stress. Are you overworked?

Neil
No, it’s a name-only job. On weekdays I’m at the horse farm. I’m in the city on weekends.

Jupiter
If you don’t talk about this now, you’ll have another episode and we’ll be back here. What happened right before you collapsed?

Neil
I had just finished a fencing session with John Tam, the interior designer. He asks me to follow him on Instagram. I do that. I notice he has 4,000,000 followers. I scroll through and count twenty posts. I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and here we are. Completely unrelated, I’m sure.

Jupiter
Let me do a quick check… His account has been active for … a month. And… I see that you have nine hundred thousand followers. That’s a good number.

Neil
I’m the COO of a global non-profit. I have two thousand paid employees. I should be instantly recognised. Nine hundred thousand followers is unacceptable for someone of my status.

Jupiter
From what I see here, your posts are about your vegan diet, and you in … very tight-fitting …. running outfits and … what’s in this post?

Neil
Pheasant farm in Latvia. I cooked that outdoors on a grill. Rock salt, rosemary, olive oil. Instant hit with my three Fortune 500 CEO guests. Only two thousand likes. I mean, it’s not a hamburger, so no one’s interested.

Jupiter
Okay.

Neil
You know what? I want to create a panel… of designers, professors, chefs and editors. I want to chair that panel. We will judge profiles and grade them for quality. Cut out all of those followers, delete all of those likes.

Jupiter
You could hire a PR firm to fix this for you.

Neil
This is what I hate now. Asking someone to help me to become popular. I don’t want anything from anyone.

Jupiter
Is this a competition between you and your friend?

Neil
There is no competition. I mean, what does he have? I have more influence than all of these trending people. Some of them don’t even have jobs. They can’t afford my lifestyle. It makes no sense that they are more popular when I have more prestige.

Jupiter
I see that this situation is causing some stress. So we should get you on some medication and schedule a session to talk?

Neil
Talk therapy for Instagram? I’m offended by that. This is exactly what I’m talking about. No matter what I do, I get no respect…

Categories
fiction marriage men women

The Not Shall agreement (3 of 3)

Panda
Terms to be discussed.

Gabbe
Let’s stay away from technical language. I want to just be frank and open so there are no misunderstandings. This is a mediation and not a deposition.

Panda
I’d like to state for the record that all verbal agreements, yes, affirmative, okays and alrights are valid unless stated in the record.

Gabbe
Duly noted.

Horlick
What’s first?

Vanessa
You mean, what’s only. Money. That’s why we’re in this room. Would you marry me if I had … didn’t have … four hundred million dollars?

Panda
That’s liquid. Plus six hundred million in assets and climbing.

Vanessa
Don’t be vulgar, Stanley.

Neil
I’m not…

Vanessa
No, no. This is what you aspire to. You’ve done nothing but shop since we started going out. I watched that documentary by your former boss. I realised that I can buy the love of a doting husband.

Panda
Strike that from the record. It is an emotional statement meant for contextual purposes only and does not constitute a basis for this agreement.

Tori
Noted, and so stricken.

Gabbe
Would you like to say something, Mr Ross?

Neil
I’m insulted and hurt, so no.

Gabbe
Perhaps we should continue to the first items on the agenda. You have them listed here as “Not Shalls.”

Vanessa
They’re like commandments. I learned from my mother’s first three marriages that there is the need for honesty. It makes everyone clear.

Gabbe
Do you have an opinion on this?

Neil
I can’t believe you’re painting me as a gigolo. You know I am attracted to you. The fact that we’re getting married makes us equal.

Vanessa
You’re attracted to me? How sweet you are. As for equality, why don’t I give my money to charity and become a stylist?

Neil
No problem. Do it.

Panda
Your father left you stewardship of his estate and controlling interest in his group of companies. You can’t just give away your obligations.

Vanessa
Thwarted by vested interests. What luck for you, my darling little duck.

Neil
That’s a nasty thing to say. I’m not here for that.

Vanessa
I know I’m not pretty.

Neil
Please, there is no need to feel insecure. I’m committed.

Panda
But, what are you committed to?

Gabbe
Uhmm… May we proceed with the list?

Panda
All my client is saying is that she is a human being with feelings. She wants to retain her self respect.

Gabbe
Would you like to say something reassuring before we continue, Mr Ross?

Neil
This is hard for me, as I feel a lot of this is private.

Horlick
Let’s just get on with the list.

Panda
Not Shalls.

Eli
Here’s my handkerchief.

Neil
Just cut out the theatrics!

Vanessa
This counts as emotional abuse. Discounting my feelings. Calling them theatrics.

Neil
This is abuse, ganging up on me with this team of lawyers.

Vanessa
You didn’t complain about my team when they got you a coffee and a quick chat with Bruce.

Eli
Let that be stricken.

Gabbe
Not shall everyone be overreacting, please.

Vanessa
Okay, can we please just punch this out? My biological clock is ticking.

Gabbe
Not shall one: Both partners shall not deviate from a strict vegan diet. Meals outside of the home are to be prepared at a list of approved kitchens in each of the following territories.

Neil
Wait…

Vanessa
You told me you were a vegan when we met. You only buy organic vegetables. You only eat out at Soigné. You swim three kilometres every morning. That’s why we connected. We had so much in common.

Neil
I need …

Gabbe
Do you agree or do you disagree?

Neil
Yes. I mean, yes, I agree.

Tori
Noted.

Eli
Not shall two.

Gabbe
Not shall two: Both parties shall not deviate from a strict regime of physical, aesthetic and emotional upkeep.

Horlick
That’s three things.

Eli
Blah, blah. One category, upkeep.

Gabbe
Upkeep includes scheduled appointments with physical trainers, physicians, aestheticians, and Kabbalah teachers. Appointments may include therapy, counseling, physical examinations, semen sample submissions, drug screening and biweekly STI panels.

Neil
I can … Yes. I agree.

Gabbe
Not shall three: Both parties shall not break a period of strict celibacy after the conception of each child, for a period of one year. After which, relations may continue by mutual consent.

Vanessa
It’s part of my religion. Celibacy during pregnancy and after childbirth.

Neil
What religion? You liar. We do it three times a night now.

Vanessa
His religion is Oscar de la Renta, Tom Ford, Comme des Garçons… I respect his religion by letting him use my Amex Black Card to the maximum limit. Every month.

Eli
Stated for the record: Miss Plank respects her future husband’s religion and has supported him fully while they are engaged.

Gabbe
Religious intolerance is strictly prohibited. Respect for either party’s religion is a non negotiable, I’m afraid. Now, do you agree or disagree?

Neil
Damn you. Yes, I agree.

Gabbe
Not shall four: Both parties shall not exceed an interpersonal proximity of two hundred kilometres in radius to be activated at agreement signing, until the youngest child reaches the age of majority.

Panda
That’s eighteen.

Neil
I agree. This is sounding like a jail sentence.

Horlick
Please strike that last passionate flourish from the record.

Tori
Duly stricken.

Vanessa
That’s why they call wives the ball and chain. He’s already accustomed to it. Frank Müller watches at Christmas. Family friend discounts at Versace. Homes in Athens, Rome, Berlin.

Neil
This is getting ridiculous.

Panda
It is called a prenuptial agreement. If you had the money, we would be negotiating the installation of cameras in her eye sockets.

Vanessa
I would not show up on his radar, in the first place. What was her name again? The model you said you wanted to buy?

Neil
That’s an awful thing to say. That was pillow talk. Fantasy …

Vanessa
She’s nineteen. Right… Her name is Roja. She is a starving model, a high school dropout, who is almost half my age. I hired her as my full time personal assistant. You can stare at her all day, but if you so much as sniff her. If I can’t get pregnant, she’s agreed to be my surrogate.

Neil
You’re sick.

Vanessa
I’m a paying customer!

Panda
Not shall five, please.

Gabbe
Not shall five: Mr Ross shall not engage in paid or unpaid employment with any employer other than the Gareth E Plank Memorial Foundation, as its chief operating officer.

Neil
Okay, finally, something I can agree to while keeping my manhood. Yes, I agree.

Vanessa
Thanks for not asking if it’s a paid gig.

Neil
Screw you!

Vanessa
Actually, when we’re finished here, that will be your only duty as COO.

Eli
Ha! Chief “Operating” Officer. I get it. What?! That’s funny …

Vanessa
Shall we continue?

Categories
fashion fiction men women

A Chat with Mr Ford (1 of 3)

Storm
I am sorry if you are offended by my remark. I was not using the term “gay” in a denigrating way.

Neil
Well, I am not offended by that. The thing is, the kind of woman I want to attract won’t pay attention to a man who is not metrosexual.

Marcus
I see. What kind of woman is that?

Neil
The kind of woman who would be impressed that I took a photo with Tom Ford, but would roll her eyes at one of me with Marc Jacobs.

Storm
Hmmm…

Marcus
What’s the difference?

Neil
Haute couture and high fashion. Exclusivity and accessibility. Marc Jacobs is very down to earth and friendly. Tom Ford is not relatable.

Marcus
I see, so you want to meet Tom Ford?

Neil
No, I want to be photographed talking to him. Not posing side by side. It’ll look like I asked him for the photo.

Storm
That’s all? Is there a magazine you wanted the photo for?

Neil
No… Well, can I get that?

Storm
Sure. We could arrange a thing or two, but he’s very sweet in person. I’m not sure how … he will make you look edgy.

Neil
It’s the aura he has, of being so aloof. If I’m seen in a photo with an aloof person, the women I want to attract will covet my attention.

Marcus
Why not just ask them out? The women you like.

Neil
Well, I do, but I keep getting turned down. I’m determined to not let my lifetime investment go to waste.

Storm
What kind of investment are we talking about?

Neil
Two hundred thousand dollars. I mean, I have put every cent I saved into this.

Marcus
I’m not trying to talk you out of going for what you want, but don’t you think that you’ll have financial problems if you’re constantly keeping up with this couture theme? You’re an attractive man, physically flawless, women must be all over you.

Neil
I can’t give up on this. I’ve spent too much money. I have invested too much time. I’ve endured too much hardship.

Storm
Alright. How about Lulu Bellini?

Neil
No. She’s not the type I’m going for.

Marcus
You’re similar in height and body type. She’s Karl’s muse and Tom lusts after her.

Neil
Yeah, but I want someone who is less acquired taste and more seasonal favourite, like a Bar Refaeli. She’s certain not to go out of fashion next season.

Marcus
Bar has gone out of season, as of when she was dumped by Leo. No one is buying her Chinese made panties. This is an age where beauty is all inclusive. It’s not dictated by the norms of the old guard.

Neil
I need this, though. My life plan has this particular condition attached.

Storm
Do you have a specific person in mind?

Neil
Yes, but she is not impressed by …

Marcus
You’re spending a lot of money here, and you’ve already put yourself out, as you said. I just want to know if this will be worth your while. We’re not obliged to be ethical, since I am a publicist, but I just want to point out that you might be chasing a rainbow. There is always a trade-off with these situations. Especially if you’re after the kind of person you’re after, as you say.

Neil
What trade-off?

Marcus
Have you carefully thought through the consequences of being this choosy?

Neil
What do you mean?

Marcus
You seem irritated. Do I sound judgmental?

Neil
Yes, and it’s annoying.

Storm
I can help you get a photo taken while chatting to Tom Ford, and I can talk to a friend at Bazaar and get that posted on their website. However, you need to wear one of his suits, and his fragrance, and you need to update your professional networking pages. You’ll need to stay in New York and wait for us to call you. It could be a four-month wait. We also need some credentials for you. People will be seeking you out when the photo gets published and they need something they can relate to.

Neil
I can do that.

Marcus
I apologise for offending you. Your preference is none of my concern. I would like to make up for the inconvenience to you, by doing this job for free. Our firm is equal opportunity, after all. We do not discriminate on the basis of our clients’ discriminating tastes.

Neil
Thank you. That’s all I ask.

Marcus
If you’re interested, we have a job opening for a stylist and I wonder if you’d like to be interviewed for that? No hard feelings.

Neil
I appreciate it. That’s very kind of you. May I have some lemon water, please?

Storm
Sure.

… to be continued

Categories
celebrity fiction women

Time to deflate

WW
This just came to me yesterday. CBS has a position open for GMA, and I want to go for it. So, I’m here to see if or rather, what I can use to make myself a shoo-in.

Krajeck
First of all, you need to be robust. How’s your health?

WW
I’m managing. I’m on a new healthful diet. At the moment, I’m going vegan for a month to do a health special for the show.

Krajeck
How’s it going so far?

WW
It’s a challenge, but I want to stick to it. It makes me need less medication because I don’t have the processed food toxins and preservatives in my body.

Krajeck
So when does it end?

WW
I’m on the last week, and I want to continue because I feel great.

Krajeck
The reason I asked is that definitely, the one month trial will go over well with the CBS executives. How did you document it?

WW
I have a video diary that I recorded with Glass. I thought that for the Google endorsement I would do something that people can relate to. Everyone eats, and most people are struggling with high blood pressure, diabetes and weight problems.

Krajeck
Excellent. Can you send us the raw footage? Instead of using your YouTube or Google Plus accounts, you will need to promote it through some of our other CBS connected clients: Chefs, journalists, and documentary filmmakers. We use their websites and social media feeds. The keywords are health, managing chronic illness, career and smart living. You will interview vegan chefs, nutritionists, endocrinologists and ordinary people going through the same issues. I can get one of them to make a film about you reporting on your experience. He is a genius. We bury Glass under the credits, so it’s not obvious you’re doing an endorsement.

WW
Okay. Alright, but I’m not sure that I have enough time to work on a documentary.

Krajeck
My people will do the interviews with the individuals I’ve mentioned. You’ll need to read the narration, which we can draft with you. We can green screen you into the interview sets later so it looks like you were there. Then, we can add snippets of you in a vegan cooking class, and in a candid group chat with some audience members who are vegan. Do it after your upcoming Monday show. We can write the advertisement copy for you.

WW
You think super fast! I’m just so relieved there’s a way to do this.

Krajeck
That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? We will need to take over your after-work life this week. You’ll need to postpone everything on your schedule that’s not strictly show related, and delegate everything but the essentials. We will invite some nutritionists to your home for lunch or dinner and shoot footage. We need new head shots of you.

WW
Okay. Are you thinking I’ll need to change my look?

Krajeck
In terms of fashion, you’re on cue. We don’t want you looking age appropriate. But we might want to tone down on a few things, so you’re more natural looking. A braided chignon, bring down your hemlines and heel heights a bit, maybe some ballet flats, leather and copper accessories over gold and silver. We’ll have to redefine your color palette and bring in a new team of stylists. Women stylists. Male stylists dress you the way they see women: As making too much of an effort. You need to dress the way women see themselves.

WW
I hear a … Okay. I can manage that.

Krajeck
A correspondent’s job is active. You’ll need to be robust, because there’s going to be a lot of literally walking around and talking to people of all ages, from all walks of life. They all need to be able to relate to you. If you look untouchable, that will destroy your chemistry with people.

WW
Alright.

Krajeck
You’ll have to reduce your cup size by half of what it is now. I’m sorry but those enormous boobs make you look stupid. They’re practically under your chin. You have to get rid of them. I see the expression on your face, but rather than tell you that, CBS will not even consider your application, or they will interview you and not give you the job. If you want to make yourself into an anchor, you’ll have to deflate.

WW
I know. You’re not inappropriate. It’s just strange hearing it from outside of my head. It’s why I was hesitant to apply.

Krajeck
Your clothes, hair and makeup are the very minimum.

WW
What do you mean?

Krajeck
Do you want to be a CBS anchorwoman?

WW
Let us say I do the reduction.

Krajeck
You would need to do it right away.

WW
There’s no guarantee I’ll get the job.

Krajeck
Let’s examine your motives, first of all. If you’re going for an anchor position for the money, it’s a bad idea.The sacrifices are too great.

WW
At this stage, for me, it’s the prestige. I get the feeling that a woman who is fifty something needs a more uplifting occupation than gossiping about Kardashian butt implants.

Krajeck
I agree, and I’m not a conservative. So you can just imagine your average CBS viewer. At an average age of 57, you’re in a room full of your peers. They’re not looking up to you. You’ll have to give up standup shows in Vegas. You could do stage plays, and we can play up your previous appearances for your presentation. You cannot be seen in a bikini or skimpy clothing, anywhere. Delete anything problematic from your phone and media libraries. As for what is online we will scrub data for you.

WW
Thank you.

Krajeck
You will have to commit to the changes even if you get turned down. It might be a test to see how committed you are to a new career. CBS likes to play head games. They’ll build up your rival to test viewer reaction or create buzz, drop them at the last minute and shoo you in. Instant ratings spike.

WW
Wouldn’t they do that to me, then?

Krajeck
Only if you don’t deflate. Then, you’d be cannon fodder. You could use it to boost ratings for your show, but if you don’t get the anchor position, you’ll be the “woman who didn’t get the CBS job.” That’s too risky. You’ve lived a charmed life so far, young lady. This is a new level of the game. That’s why you came to a professional matador to tire out the bull. So, do you want to be a CBS anchorwoman?

WW
Yes. I’m just…breast reduction is going to hurt!

Krajeck
You’ll be fine. You have access to the best medical professionals. You might have to commute to your show from hospital with a medical team in the week after the procedure. That means, you won’t see your family at home until you’re healed. I suggest spending next week preparing. Then, in the following taping three shows in a row on the Monday and Tuesday, and take the weekend off from Wednesday. Five days post op recovery. Your Monday show will be the vegan special.

WW
That’s a lot to take on. The risk of complications, infection, and adverse reaction to anaesthesia. And they might not hire me. This is scary.

Krajeck
Endless pain for boundless gain. Thereafter, life will be less baby back ribs and more boiled chicken. Literally. You cannot change your body size once you start the job. Whatever you’re doing now diet wise, you’ll have to stick to it. Audiences react negatively to weight fluctuations.

WW
Wow. I thought this was going to be a slice of pie. I was dead wrong.

Krajeck
You may never eat a slice of pie again.