Category: fiction

Categories
Earth fiction Her Dark Arts Mars men women

End of Installation

Thank you all so much for your kind attention and support. This post marks the end of the fiction as art as fiction installation, Earth, Mars and Her Dark Arts. I’ve prepared an afterword as a standalone page. Please read Aftermath if you can make the time and I’d be very happy to have your comments.

All posts that flow between this and the marker posts, excluding non fiction asides, are part of this installation. Thank you for your warm support.

When I started putting this together in early December, 2014, I was thrilled and scared at the same time. Would anyone read it, much less stay around for three months? As I’ve said in Aftermath, your attention was the light obliterating the gloom on a dark world. Thank you so much.

The risk of putting myself out there and banking on your trust was worth it thanks to your repeat visits, your courage, your patience, your kind words of encouragement, your belief, questions, comments and gestures of appreciation. All have meant a great deal.

See you all, again, soonest. The stampede starts up again in a day or so; not to be missed.

Love and caramel hugs,
SB

Categories
Earth fiction

The Premiere

ABC
Let’s get you dusted down here. Liz, get me a fluffy mic cover?

AP
We don’t need him yet.

Getty
Mr. Shultz, we’ll need you to wait here for another three minutes.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
What about me? I’m in the movie, too.

Shultz
They’re under a lot of pressure. I’ll say something to the producers later.

Elle
You don’t have to go to the trouble.

Shultz
It’s okay. I’m happy to do it.

Getty
Could you guys get a bit tighter? To the right of the poster, please? Mr. Shultz, put your arm around her waist.

Shultz
Alright.

Elle
Wow. That was nice.

Shultz
You’re welcome.

AP
No smiles, please. Look straight ahead. Now just talk casually. Thank you.

Elle
It’s okay, you don’t have to move your hand.

Shultz
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

Elle
It’s okay, I’m very comfortable.

Shultz
Do you have everything?

Getty
Just wait for the press bank, please. They’ll want you next.

ABC
Standing by for live feed. Tony?

Elle
I’m staying at the Marriott. I’ve got a suite courtesy of mutual friends.

Shultz
Mutual friends?

Elle
Quentin, of course.

ABC
I’m sorry, could you stand over to this side? The tree’s not playing well.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
I mean, you could swing by. I’m in one of the executive suites. I think it’s five seven seven.

ABC
Tony? It’s going alright. We’re waiting for commercials to end. Two minutes.

Shultz
Yolanda, could you call my wife?

Assist
Right away.

Shultz
Tell her I’m on my way home right after this interview. Ask her if she wants to stay in or go out. Set it up.

Assist
Will do.

Elle
Has Cassandra seen the film as yet? The Internet’s been talking about our steamy love scene.

Shultz
I think Quentin cut it. Didn’t you hear? He said he didn’t like it. It was gratuitous.

Elle
What?! It’s a shame Quentin’s such a prude. I’m sure you can use your influence to have the editors dig it up and leak it online. Our fans deserve to see it, don’t you think?

St Lucas
Shultz, how are you?

Shultz
Sweet Jesus! You scared the crap out of me.

St Lucas
Hello, I’m …

Elle
I know who you are. You’re setting the world on fire. Nice work.

St Lucas
Thank you…

ABC
Forty seconds.

Shultz
I have an on-air interview. Now.

St Lucas
Can you make some time for me? There’s a thing…Just came up out of the blue. Thought you might be interested. It’s a humanitarian effort, a throwback to your “Batman” days. It needs someone with a sizeable codpiece.

Shultz
I’m never going to live that down. I’m leaving right after the interview, perhaps we can catch up later?

ABC
Fifteen seconds.

St Lucas
Why don’t I just ride out with you?

Shultz
Sure. I’d love you to meet my wife. Hang out, right over there!

ABC
And we’re live in five, four, three, two, one.

Categories
Earth fiction

**** Breaking News ****

findthemartianbaby

The interactive game for Luke St James’ new film, Lamda Six has gone viral, with just under 40 million retweets in the first five hours since its release. The $200,000 reward sparked widespread protests in Pakistan. The film is currently being shot on location in Canada and is scheduled to be released on February 14, 2016. SB Catalog.

earthlivesmatter2

Leaked documents concerning an alleged multinational Gobi Desert operation, insider trading, a new Mars mission and asteroid mining plans have ignited protests around Europe. SB Catalog.

Categories
fiction men women

Pull it sir

Superbelle
I don’t like the furniture in here.

Waite
It was all handmade by Christian Dillon. He’s a furniture designer from Australia, now living in London. He’s quite talented. This entire set took two years to assemble and ship.

Superbelle
It looks like poor people’s old things. Belongs in the garbage or something. Back to what you were saying about media literacy.

Waite
Yes, I’m a journalist, so naturally I advocate for this.

Superbelle
Yeah, I know, I know. I may sound like a pessimist, but I object in calling media literacy as the approach to modern education. Education for me has also something to do with the learning and teaching and formation of values, as corny as I may sound.

Waite
I see. So you’re saying that media literacy is not necessary because we can’t learn values from it? You were humming a Justin Beiber song just now. It seems that a media literate person would refuse to support his antisocial behaviour, which would mean not buying, downloading or listening to his music.

Superbelle
Yes, I know I’m ignorant. I like being ignorant.

Waite
I’m not saying you’re ignorant…

Superbelle
I don’t want to hear anything negative about Justin. I was going to say that media literacy cannot police plagiarism.

Waite
You realise that media literacy has nothing to do with plagiarism, which was rampant ages ago? Education on morals and values would discourage or stop plagiarism. Also, online tools exist to catch people who do this, so technically, policing exists.

Superbelle
Alright, alright. What?! Did I hurt your feelings.

Waite
I’m a bit confused. I thought we were having a discussion.

Superbelle
It’s just that you were elaborating too much.

Waite
I’m not sure I understand, but… ahh… have you considered presenting your opinion at a conference on media literacy? I’m scheduled to chair one later this year.

Superbelle
No. I don’t have time for that.

Waite
Okay. And what would you like to do?

Superbelle
I am going to be a literature professor. I want to specialise in poetry. First, I am planning on getting my master’s degree.

Waite
Well, you’re thirty years old now, and you finished your first degree when you were twenty three. What are you waiting for? If it’s money, I am happy to pay. No strings attached of course. I assume you’re going to pursue studies in …?

Superbelle
No. I don’t want anything from you. I am satisfied with what I have. That’s using people. I just have some writer’s block.

Waite
It would be a completely up front scholarship grant from my non profit foundation. You’d have to apply, and we would interview you.

Superbelle
What do you mean… foundation? You’re not a celebrity.

Waite
That’s nice of you to say. Thank you.

Superbelle
I wasn’t offering a compliment.

Waite
Thank you, anyway. What was I saying? I feel that if a person has a natural talent for writing, the inspiration will always find its way to them. I also like to think of people as thinkers with varying degrees of confidence and various styles of expression. There’s too much pressure to “write something” if you call yourself a “writer.” Don’t you think?

Superbelle
Not following.

Waite
Okay, so … Alright. I’d like to hear one of your poems.

Superbelle
Can I borrow your iPad? This one was published on a website. It’s called “Mama.”

Perhaps, it would be better for you to make peace with the ghosts of your past, than for me to let you see that I often go to church, that I have high grades, that I do not go partying, that I do not have a boyfriend so that I will not be your ragged doll, who bears all the lashes of your revenge

Waite
It sounds really personal. Do you have a strained…

Superbelle
What are those?!

Waite
What?

Superbelle
Why do you have celebrity photos on your wall?! This one looks photoshopped.

Waite
You don’t recognise him? It’s Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al Gaddafi.

Super Belle
Are you a terrorist?!!

Waite
He let me photograph him when I met him in Paris. I’m still bitter about the way he was executed.

Superbelle
Sounds like you are one of those … persons. This looks like your degree certificate on here.

Waite
No. I never hang that up.

Super Belle
It doesn’t go with the celebrity pictures. It’s just so plain. You should throw it out. But, it says Columbia University. And you just said you don’t hang that up.

Waite
It’s not a degree certificate.

Superbelle
What’s a “Pull it Sir” Prize? Are you a comedian?

Waite
Well, that’s debatable…

Categories
fiction marriage men women

Strip Minecraft

Moorelove
See that right there?

Lilibeth
Yeah, okay… Hey, you! We’re playing Strip Minecraft in ten seconds so get your act together. Check body parts and undergarments at the loo.

Oren
I’m in.

Lilibeth
Pour yourself some wine. It’ll be extra fun if we all get smashed.

Oren
Thanks.

Maggie
Wait, what are we stripping?

Lilibeth
Yourself. I hope you’re wearing a lot of underwear. I want a slow buildup of tension. You in, baby?

Moorelove
Absolutely. Let me finish setting up and I’m all yours.

Lilibeth
If your tongue finds its way into your partner’s mouth, we will not look away. Maggie, you good to go?

Maggie
I’m … I …

Lilibeth
Come on now, you’re married. We know you do it. It’s just that now you’ve got a live studio audience.

Oren
C’mon, it’ll be fun.

Maggie
I am not sure where this is going. I am not into the kinky stuff.

Lilibeth
Married couples making out is so hot. It’s like love, commitment and lust. If I had a penis, I’d have a boner right now just thinking about that.

Maggie
It’s a bit personal. I think it’s most appropriate for the bedroom. I’m a lady.

Moorelove
If you’re ladylike you’re not doing it properly.

Oren
Amen! What’re the rules, first of all?

Lilibeth
I’ve never played Minecraft before so I’ll make it simple. If we build something you take off something. One item per pair, per turn.

Oren
When is it over?

Lilibeth
When his face is buried in my crotch and my eyes are rolling over in my head.

Oren
Game on!

Maggie
Wait. I don’t want to be the subject of gossip back home or read about this on social media. If my crochet group found out, I’d be salted.

Lilibeth
Margaret, we are all adults here. Who cares what we do in a dark room while drunk? God, you’re uptight.

Categories
fiction men women

Full Penetration

Lara
I think I get it.

Jupiter
Tell me what you get.

Lara
He wanted a motorcycle. A motorcycle is easy to handle. Easy to fix. Within easy reach. It’s small. You can lift it. I’m not a motorcycle. I’m a mini Concorde. I need lots of fuel, a flight path, schedule and crew. I’m hard to get but once I’m got I can’t be got rid of.

Jupiter
So you’re saying his type is low end?

Lara
No. I’m saying she’s easy to get along with. I am the opposite. I don’t listen, I’m opinionated, arrogant and I’m usually right. He can overwhelm his type. With me it will take too much effort. Being financially constrained and dependent on others for sustenance, I had no choice but to be nice to everyone. I had to swallow my pride and bury my feelings. There is a freedom in being well off and exclusive to a few people. The results of the first one week experiment penetrate fully now.

Jupiter
Your expression tells me you’re not fine with the outcome.

Lara
It’s just that I feel judged because he didn’t want me. I felt like he was telling me I am not good enough for anyone at all. The entire planet worships blonde bombshells. I’m already at a disadvantage. I feel pain because of that.

Jupiter
Do you want him to apologise to you for his preference?

Lara
I don’t want him to say I’m worthless.

Jupiter
Why didn’t you see all this in our session three weeks ago?

Lara
My pride was hurt. I really mind being seen as worthless because of what I look like.

Jupiter
Other insights?

Lara
The passivity is deliberate, I realise. I flirted with every man I came across. I pretended I wanted to sleep with them because I wanted to be fed.

Jupiter
Did you enjoy dating in this altered state?

Lara
No. It was wreaking havoc on my real social life. I had to say no to a night out and a fun weekend trip with my friends. I needed to not spend the money and yet I felt a power in trading my outspokenness for meals.

Jupiter
Why not tell your friends? Let them look after you. It’s the easy way out.

Lara
I wanted them to think my fresh new body and youthful energy were doing everything for me. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me.

Jupiter
Did you feel good about being desired?

Lara
Yes. It was a good feeling. On day seven, I went to a cocktail party for a client just for the food and a tall good looking Russian patted my bum at the buffet table. I felt confident that it was because I was blonde and skinny. I introduced myself because it was an opening for a dinner invite. We chatted for a bit and made out in his limo while he was giving me a lift home.

Jupiter
Did you feel coerced?

Lara
I was really attracted to him. He’s the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. He asked for my number and we met a few times. He spent time talking to me about his problems. Of course, I slept with him too but the point was that I listened without interrupting because I wanted his charity more than his respect. I took a risk towards the end of the week. I told him I’m a natural brunette, I’ve had plastic surgery and I’m in therapy for self esteem issues. He immediately handed me the keys to an antique dealership on Thirteenth Street. As it turns out, he already recognised me, based on my work with his best friend and wanted to be business partners. He thought that this slutty deluxe persona was satire, so he was playing along at the party. I completely misread the situation. How weird is that?

Jupiter
It wasn’t “weird.” You were not focused on outcomes. Anything could happen.

Lara
The first week, I had to eat what was in the cupboards at work and I hid food in my desk drawers. I realised I couldn’t even afford to buy milk.

Jupiter
Depravity is understood. But let’s talk more about passivity. You said it was on purpose.

Lara
The passivity is a symptom, too. I was exhausted all the time, so it was hard for me to do my real job. It was frustrating to not have access to all of my mind.

Jupiter
Why didn’t you give up?

Lara
I realised that this is a game. There are various levels of freedom. The price I paid for the freedom to be myself was that others would not choose me.

Jupiter
What does his motorcycle feel every day?

Lara
I had a safety net, which was my real life, so it’s hard to be fully objective. I should say that it’s not the man she wants or needs. It’s what he can give her. I can afford to have an opinion. Because I actually have a professional standing, I was in the orbit of men who were attracted to me. However, I’m a mini Concorde. I’m hard to get and hard to get along with. This new person wasn’t looking for an easy situation, but saw my manipulating behaviour as a chance to get close to me for a relationship.

Jupiter
Good. We have some progress.

Lara
Do I continue with the relationship?

Jupiter
Do you want to?

Lara
Yes. I have his respect and love. I enjoy his companionship and my new business venture. I want to embrace all of it. I’m happy.

Jupiter
My concern is that at times a new relationship can be a bandaid for rejection. We use it to be spiteful, vengeful or competitive. This would not be fair to your new partner. As you’ve said before, there’s a part of you that has left the initial situation unresolved.

Lara
We still have to fix that, huh?

Jupiter
Yes, you do. While you’re preparing for our next session, I need you to think about your “manipulating behaviour.” What are the implications for the man you wanted? Do you think he would have wanted to be manipulated by you in that way?

Lara
We’re assuming he is even aware that his type might be manipulating him. I haven’t spoken to him in three weeks.

Jupiter
No need, just recall things that were said to you and discuss them with me. More journaling?

Lara
Ugh!

Categories
fashion fiction women

Camera Obscura

The body is a container.
In it we protect the vital parts of our physical selves.
It’s a minimum representation of the self
and should not weigh heavily in judgement of who we are.
When we adjust it to alter how others relate to us, it becomes, at that point,
a camera obscura.

Jupiter
Tell me about your week.

Lara
It has been a revelation. I made minimum effort at everything. On the first day, I walked into the office with my shirt half buttoned, chipped nail polish, hair unkempt. I greeted no one. I found it interesting that no one seemed to notice me. It occurs to me I want a medium tan. Carla Paine. She just oozes self confidence. So I walked out and did that. Missed an appointment with a client. I had him meet me for brunch at the Trattoria. I lied and told him I was working on his stuff and used the travel time to punch out a strategy. He kissed me full on the lips after hearing my pitch. I sauntered back into the office at two and my boss asks me to run point on a huge account. Day one. I literally did nothing all morning. As you’ve heard, the rest of the week goes like that.

Jupiter
It seems to me that with the freedom of being, you exuded this power.

Lara
It would seem so. I got things done while relaxing. This makes no sense though.

Jupiter
Before questioning the fairness of it, how will you use your power?

Lara
I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed with this feeling of wholeness. I want nothing. I need nothing.

Jupiter
Let’s cement this idea in our cloud because these feelings can be transient. What does “want nothing” feel like?

Lara
I have everything and it’s all a rich, palpable having. The answers are all up to me and they’re all correct.

Jupiter
I’m going to note that statement for later because I really need you to discuss the meaning in depth. It’s time to move to phase two. After this session ends, go to the Thermage Therapy Centre on Lexington Avenue. The treatment will burn out all of your fat cells. They’ll roll your skin flat and PowerPlate you to get things moving.

Lara
Wow?!

Jupiter
That’s not all. Through separate procedures, fat will be injected into your breasts and blood proteins into your face. They’ll pump you full of placenta, glutathione, Vitamin C and growth hormone. You won’t need to exercise for six months. I made an appointment for you. You get forty percent off.

Lara
Okay …

Jupiter
It’s preparation for an experiment. I’m making a point but you need to put yourself through this first. Then, go to my salon tomorrow afternoon. They will colour your hair blonde and flatten it. In the evening, get rid of every shoe in your closet that’s lower than four inches in heel height. Dress as you’ve done this week.

Lara
Okay.

Jupiter
Then, you’re not a smoker, so develop a video game habit. I have some suggestions. If you feel a deep, self reflective thought creeping in, grab a game. Focus. When the thought goes away, stop.

Lara
No problem.

Jupiter
What’s the most menial task at the office?

Lara
Coffee runs, filing, archiving, stationery inventory.

Jupiter
Go to the office an hour early and do the filing and inventory. Repeat for one hour at the end of every day no matter how late. In fact, go to your office on Sunday and work on the backlog. Do it thoroughly and double check your work.

Lara
Alright. And…coffee runs?

Jupiter
Yes. Do them every morning for the rest of the month. Inventory and filing exercises go for these two weeks, too. No longer. I want to be able to bring you back. Most importantly, you cannot spend more than one hundred dollars in the two weeks. This is a prepaid credit card. Keep the receipts. We will go through them. You may accept charity, beg, steal or trade sexual favours. If you can’t afford to eat, go hungry. Subsist.

Lara
I think I understand where you’re going with this. What’s the outcome?

Jupiter
You’re now a minion. Outcomes are not part of your cognitive framework. You have no higher order thinking skills. Survival is the name of your game. I want you to really feel that side of her. According to you, she’s the perfect woman. She is coveted by the man you desire. What does a skinny blonde of average height with a smoking habit and an entry level job feel every single day? Occupy that existence. Answer the question by living her life.

Categories
fashion fiction men women

Cloud therapy

Lara
I feel so used, and just icky!!

Jupiter
What does that have to do with you?

Lara
I don’t understand.

Jupiter
What’s wrong with you.

Lara
Nothing. He flicked me away like I was something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I’m out of ideas about how to prove myself to him.

Jupiter
What are you proving? Tissues.

Lara
Thanks. My value. My worth.

Jupiter
Alright. What if I said, objectively speaking, a man would be blind to not notice you?

Lara
That is my problem. I was rejected anyway.

Jupiter
Again. What’s wrong with you?

Lara
I’m the problem?

Jupiter
Yes, you are the problem. I would like you to take responsibility for the rejection you’re facing. Do not blame him. He is not wrong to be indifferent you.

Lara
This is hard. Isn’t he wrong to not acknowledge me as a sexual threat?

Jupiter
No.

Lara
I can’t do this right now.

Jupiter
Let’s work this out today. Let us work towards a consensus that you can lean on during the upcoming week. We will stamp it out in later sessions. Come on. Tell me what’s wrong with you.

Lara
I have jet black hair. It is really frizzy. Oh, God… I’m short. I’m … uhh… struggling to be at my ideal weight. I dress conservatively because of my job so I can’t look fuckable on a twenty four hour cycle!!!! I obsess about Karajan and I get a small panic attack if I have to pick things off the floor. I’m in my thirties. I have crooked teeth?

Jupiter
What does he want?

Lara
Blonde Kim Kardashian lookalike with blue eyes, spotless complexion that feels like marshmallow to the touch, early twenties with perfectly white teeth, D cup and a tiny waist. Her naturally blonde hair is very long, luscious, super soft and tossed dry, it’s perfection. She’s sweet, easily influenced, passive and not opinionated. She smokes, has a minimum wage job and dresses provocatively all day, every day. If I looked like that, he would be nice to me…

Jupiter
Leave him out of this.

Lara
I’m not effortlessly pretty. I work hard at looking like a woman. It’s time consuming, expensive and I need a team of friends to fix me. I overthink things, have too many hobbies and interests and I work hard to cultivate friendships. Being me is a full time job.

Jupiter
So you’re a short, fat, ugly nerd with a mind of your own and friends who look after you.

Lara
Yes.

Jupiter
Say it slowly.

Lara
I’m a short, fat, ugly nerd and I need friends who look after me.

Jupiter
Say it again. This time, take a deep breath and say it like it’s a compliment.

Lara
I’m a short, fat, ugly nerd and my friends are really nice to me.

Jupiter
Say it again. Transform into a vampire and stare me down.

Lara
I’m petite, I’m plain and I rock the androgynous look. I live in my head. I don’t have friends. I have minions. They worship and adore me.

Jupiter
Let’s put this last concept in our cloud. The concept that all this is part of your glorious being.

Lara
Okay. I hate that I’m not good enough…

Jupiter
Stop. It’s in our cloud. This upcoming week, voice record a journal. Make as many entries as you like. When you feel something, record it. Message all memos to me without editing. You will normcore it to work. Make minimum effort. Wear the same clothes every day if you like. Do not blow dry or iron your hair after a shampoo. Moisturising products only. Don’t wear makeup.

Lara
Alright.

Jupiter
Do not pay lip service to this. I need you to feel a freedom in being yourself. And you do that by embracing those things you say he’s rejected. You own them, you display them. Pay attention to your feelings and let’s get on this next session?

Lara
Thanks. I’m sorry, I just …

Categories
celebrity fiction women

Time to deflate

WW
This just came to me yesterday. CBS has a position open for GMA, and I want to go for it. So, I’m here to see if or rather, what I can use to make myself a shoo-in.

Krajeck
First of all, you need to be robust. How’s your health?

WW
I’m managing. I’m on a new healthful diet. At the moment, I’m going vegan for a month to do a health special for the show.

Krajeck
How’s it going so far?

WW
It’s a challenge, but I want to stick to it. It makes me need less medication because I don’t have the processed food toxins and preservatives in my body.

Krajeck
So when does it end?

WW
I’m on the last week, and I want to continue because I feel great.

Krajeck
The reason I asked is that definitely, the one month trial will go over well with the CBS executives. How did you document it?

WW
I have a video diary that I recorded with Glass. I thought that for the Google endorsement I would do something that people can relate to. Everyone eats, and most people are struggling with high blood pressure, diabetes and weight problems.

Krajeck
Excellent. Can you send us the raw footage? Instead of using your YouTube or Google Plus accounts, you will need to promote it through some of our other CBS connected clients: Chefs, journalists, and documentary filmmakers. We use their websites and social media feeds. The keywords are health, managing chronic illness, career and smart living. You will interview vegan chefs, nutritionists, endocrinologists and ordinary people going through the same issues. I can get one of them to make a film about you reporting on your experience. He is a genius. We bury Glass under the credits, so it’s not obvious you’re doing an endorsement.

WW
Okay. Alright, but I’m not sure that I have enough time to work on a documentary.

Krajeck
My people will do the interviews with the individuals I’ve mentioned. You’ll need to read the narration, which we can draft with you. We can green screen you into the interview sets later so it looks like you were there. Then, we can add snippets of you in a vegan cooking class, and in a candid group chat with some audience members who are vegan. Do it after your upcoming Monday show. We can write the advertisement copy for you.

WW
You think super fast! I’m just so relieved there’s a way to do this.

Krajeck
That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? We will need to take over your after-work life this week. You’ll need to postpone everything on your schedule that’s not strictly show related, and delegate everything but the essentials. We will invite some nutritionists to your home for lunch or dinner and shoot footage. We need new head shots of you.

WW
Okay. Are you thinking I’ll need to change my look?

Krajeck
In terms of fashion, you’re on cue. We don’t want you looking age appropriate. But we might want to tone down on a few things, so you’re more natural looking. A braided chignon, bring down your hemlines and heel heights a bit, maybe some ballet flats, leather and copper accessories over gold and silver. We’ll have to redefine your color palette and bring in a new team of stylists. Women stylists. Male stylists dress you the way they see women: As making too much of an effort. You need to dress the way women see themselves.

WW
I hear a … Okay. I can manage that.

Krajeck
A correspondent’s job is active. You’ll need to be robust, because there’s going to be a lot of literally walking around and talking to people of all ages, from all walks of life. They all need to be able to relate to you. If you look untouchable, that will destroy your chemistry with people.

WW
Alright.

Krajeck
You’ll have to reduce your cup size by half of what it is now. I’m sorry but those enormous boobs make you look stupid. They’re practically under your chin. You have to get rid of them. I see the expression on your face, but rather than tell you that, CBS will not even consider your application, or they will interview you and not give you the job. If you want to make yourself into an anchor, you’ll have to deflate.

WW
I know. You’re not inappropriate. It’s just strange hearing it from outside of my head. It’s why I was hesitant to apply.

Krajeck
Your clothes, hair and makeup are the very minimum.

WW
What do you mean?

Krajeck
Do you want to be a CBS anchorwoman?

WW
Let us say I do the reduction.

Krajeck
You would need to do it right away.

WW
There’s no guarantee I’ll get the job.

Krajeck
Let’s examine your motives, first of all. If you’re going for an anchor position for the money, it’s a bad idea.The sacrifices are too great.

WW
At this stage, for me, it’s the prestige. I get the feeling that a woman who is fifty something needs a more uplifting occupation than gossiping about Kardashian butt implants.

Krajeck
I agree, and I’m not a conservative. So you can just imagine your average CBS viewer. At an average age of 57, you’re in a room full of your peers. They’re not looking up to you. You’ll have to give up standup shows in Vegas. You could do stage plays, and we can play up your previous appearances for your presentation. You cannot be seen in a bikini or skimpy clothing, anywhere. Delete anything problematic from your phone and media libraries. As for what is online we will scrub data for you.

WW
Thank you.

Krajeck
You will have to commit to the changes even if you get turned down. It might be a test to see how committed you are to a new career. CBS likes to play head games. They’ll build up your rival to test viewer reaction or create buzz, drop them at the last minute and shoo you in. Instant ratings spike.

WW
Wouldn’t they do that to me, then?

Krajeck
Only if you don’t deflate. Then, you’d be cannon fodder. You could use it to boost ratings for your show, but if you don’t get the anchor position, you’ll be the “woman who didn’t get the CBS job.” That’s too risky. You’ve lived a charmed life so far, young lady. This is a new level of the game. That’s why you came to a professional matador to tire out the bull. So, do you want to be a CBS anchorwoman?

WW
Yes. I’m just…breast reduction is going to hurt!

Krajeck
You’ll be fine. You have access to the best medical professionals. You might have to commute to your show from hospital with a medical team in the week after the procedure. That means, you won’t see your family at home until you’re healed. I suggest spending next week preparing. Then, in the following taping three shows in a row on the Monday and Tuesday, and take the weekend off from Wednesday. Five days post op recovery. Your Monday show will be the vegan special.

WW
That’s a lot to take on. The risk of complications, infection, and adverse reaction to anaesthesia. And they might not hire me. This is scary.

Krajeck
Endless pain for boundless gain. Thereafter, life will be less baby back ribs and more boiled chicken. Literally. You cannot change your body size once you start the job. Whatever you’re doing now diet wise, you’ll have to stick to it. Audiences react negatively to weight fluctuations.

WW
Wow. I thought this was going to be a slice of pie. I was dead wrong.

Krajeck
You may never eat a slice of pie again.

Categories
celebrity fiction women

A Bad (body on) Loan

Amresh
No, no, no. Put that down. Come over here.

Lolly
You promised me I could have as much as I want.

Amresh
Give it to me.

Lolly
Just… Don’t kiss me, I had my lips injected.

Amresh
If you take that, you’re going to get loopy and I don’t want you to say I forced you.

Lolly
Why would I say that? Let me have some.

Amresh
You have a reputation for being unreliable.

Lolly
I showed up, didn’t I? One taste. I won’t get loopy, I promise.

Amresh
You have a poor work ethic.

Lolly
What? You’re paying to spend time with me for the weekend.

Amresh
This is what I mean. You promised me, and now you look like you don’t want to be here.

Lolly
I’m not like that, I just need a little bit to tide me over. I had a long plane ride.

Amresh
The flight over on my private jet was luxury.

Lolly
I’m so sorry, but I’m too ill to perform. I should see a doctor. He’d want me to rest.

Amresh
Do you think it’s easy to sneak five hundred grams of pure Columbian white powder? You’re not taking that. Are you going to strip off, or what?

Lolly
I don’t understand why you’re being so difficult. I need it to get in the mood. Come on.

Amresh
I’m being difficult? You really made fucking around and not working into an art form.

Lolly
I went out with your son, like you asked, and took him to 10AK in Southampton where the paparazzi could see him.

Amresh
Are you kidding me?! My lawyer handed you five hundred thousand dollars in cash in that Christian Dior purse. I already bought you a new apartment.

Lolly
Yeah! No. I did everything we talked about. I told people he was my boyfriend, like you asked. That covers the apartment.

Amresh
I paid one million dollars for giving my son media exposure.

Lolly
I’m bored. I’m so bored.

Amresh
The five hundred thousand in cash is for this weekend. You want to tell me you’re not down?

Lolly
It’s just pocket change to you. You paid me to hang out.

Amresh
You don’t have any gratitude for everything I’ve done for you? That Brazilian guy told me that you screwed him for sixty thousand. I saw you with that Italian. He’s married, so don’t tell me he’s your boyfriend.

Lolly
Why not just tell your friends you screwed me? Isn’t that enough? I’ll send you some naked photos. Here, you can show them to your friends.

Amresh
This is the one Pegasus did. It’s artsy….I don’t want that, everyone has that. No. That’s not sexy. You look old.

Lolly
Is that Bollinger? Can I have some?

Amresh
This is bad. People said you were an Arab tollbooth, but why do they think you’re a slut? You’re broke and won’t even sleep with me for money. Right, I already paid you.

Lolly
You’re just a sad old man with a little prick. Where are you going to put that?

Amresh
You’re a washed-up actress. Your body isn’t worth five hundred thousand. You’ve probably got sores somewhere.

Lolly
I don’t want your jizz.

Amresh
Forget the mall opening tomorrow.

Lolly
We have a contract. I have to show up.

Amresh
My holding company gave you the contract. I am the owner of that mall, you drugged up drunk bitch.

Lolly
I’m not an alcholic.

Amresh
I hope the money lasts, you ungrateful bitch.

Lolly
How about a handjob? Between friends?

Amresh
I can’t call you a whore. You’re useless. You can forget becoming a movie star again. I’m buying the best publicists and they’ll sink you like a stone.

Lolly
Whatever…

Amresh
Get out. You’re nastier than sores of smallpox. You’re an ungrateful blood sucking bitch.

Categories
celebrity fiction

Bummy Girl

Padgett
I’m quite sure this is what he asked for.

Chesterton
Yeah, but just make sure to do three versions just in case. These proportions aren’t realistic.

Padgett
I shaved off the back fat here and rounded out her humps. I can’t make her bottom any bigger. Gaga looked better when they CGI’d her waist for the Bad Romance video. But her proportions were balanced and realistic to begin with. If you know what I’m say…

Thomas
How’re you two coming along?

Padgett
…ing

Padgett
We’re finished but …

Thomas
It’s fine. Send the copy to me over WiFi? I have D on Skype. I’ll show him a screen shot.

Chesterton
We did three versions just in case.

Thomas
Send them all through. He’s waiting.

Padgett
Dude, I’m not putting this in my portfolio. This is not good for my career. Not in the least.

Chesterton
Remember why you’re working for this boutique magazine and not Vogue or Bazaar? Nobody wanted to see Madonna’s pores.

Padgett
There is no evidence I was responsible for that leak.

Chesterton
Look, this work is paying our salaries. Ronni told me D Knight paid Thomas four hundred thousand for the cover.

Padgett
You lie! They got paid that much.

Chesterton
Honest truth. The magazine doesn’t even make that much from ads in a quarter. Strictly between me and you?

Padgett
Sure!

Chesterton
He wants her to be an icon like JLo. Ronni said he said a level eight Freemason told him to give her the full Disney princess treatment in public. They say the woman has to look like an animal and be naked so the public will worship her. They have a secret manual and everything, like from step one to step two.

Padgett
That’s … that’s …You sound like Alex Jones. Stop listening to that stuff, y’all.

Chesterton
No. Ronni told me. Hear me out. That’s why I said keep it hush hush. D was smoking weed and rambling that he got the instructions tattooed on his arm in Hebrew.

Siri
What do you want me to do?

Padgett
Search “D Knight arm tattoo”.

Siri
Here is what I found.

Chesterton
That’s it right there. Is that Hebrew?

Padgett
I don’t believe this. Ronni doesn’t know D Knight.

Chesterton
She met him in person, Padge. They were eating dinner at Thomas’ house and everyone was drinking. It started when he said he wants to leave a legacy for his children.

Padgett
Dem a have more pickney?

Chesterton
No! That’s the thing. He has two boys with a Swiss rapper and then the little girl.

Padgett
How?

Chesterton
Yeah. That’s why Ronni said she was shocked and couldn’t keep it a secret.

Padgett
Holy…

Thomas
Hi. He likes the Jessica Rabbit version so send the book to the printers. It’s fixed.

Chesterton
Alright. Deadline in case we need to polish up?

Thomas
Seven. I’m at lunch. See ya.

Padgett
Where’s he going? It’s three.

Chesterton
If you don’t believe me I can call Ronni.

Padgett
No. Don’t get her in trouble. She already told you.

Chesterton
She said he calls Lhasa his “girl”.

Padgett
Not his “wife”?

Chesterton
Yeah, exactly.

Padgett
But they had that big wedding in Italy.

Chesterton
The Swiss rapper, was hanging on to him. That’s how it came out. Ronni says it looks like they have an open relationship.

Padgett
Wait. Lhasa is the wife or the matie?

Chesterton
The matie.

Padgett
Woahhh! So that’s why there was gossip about him being homosexual! Switzerland is near France right? So he’s spending time around there with his children but acting shifty. And people think he’s a batty bway and hiding it. Wendy Williams ate crow on TV for nothing.

Chesterton
I don’t know. Anything is possible. I believe the designer guy is his boyfriend.

Padgett
So, he’s bisexual, or whatever.

Chesterton
Ronni said Lhasa left early. Some old man picked her up. Looks old enough to be her father.

Padgett
Probably the driver.

Chesterton
Dude.

Padgett
They’re not afraid of people leaking that?

Chesterton
That’s what I thought, too.

Padgett
No, still!!

Categories
fiction women

Six Minutes

Paine
I see! So you’re not paid a salary, just shares in the company, which you sell off at intervals to raise cash.

Mari
That’s the long and short of it, yes.

Paine
And how is using the company like an ATM working for you?

Mari
I wouldn’t say it like that.

Paine
What does anyone spend twenty million dollars a month on? Take me inside your world.

Mari
Well, as you know, I support various charities and organisations.

Paine
I’m reading a statement here from PCG, the children’s charity. They say they can clothe, breakfast and lunch ten thousand children for one year with two million dollars.

Mari
Is that right?

Paine
This is one of the charities that you fully support, according to your bestselling book, And An Ugly Duckling Shall Lead Them.

Mari
Naturally, I’m not that organisation’s only source of funding and you haven’t accounted for staff transportation and all that. Administrative costs.

Paine
Five hundred thousand dollars a year. I spoke to the founder of the charity. You could basically fund this charity with a small fraction of…

Mari
Okay, alright.

Paine
…your monthly salary.

Mari
I’m a working mother who takes care of her family.

Paine
Most mothers make do on less than twenty million dollars a month. Do you remember a time when you weren’t earning a boatload of cash selling off stock on automatic trades?

Mari
I think if you allow me to finish I will say that as a working mother my duty is to my family.

Paine
This is not an answer to my question. Your husband is the founder of his own tech firm. His net worth is one billion dollars.

Mari
That’s irrelevant. My husband and I both contribute equally as providers and…

Paine
Which is why the question is pertinent. How come you fully support a charity and it hasn’t enough funding when you are withdrawing tens of millions of dollars a month on regular trades?

Mari
Obviously my financial matters are private.

Paine
They’re not.

Mari
They’re not?

Paine
Every financial transaction you make as COO is public knowledge. The SEC has regular filings from you and as it is a government agency we have access to this information under the Freedom of Information Act.

Mari
You are wrong. That’s snooping and you have no jurisdiction and no right.

Paine
You owe it to the public to show transparency in all of your financial dealings.

Mari
I’m not. You know, Ms Paine …

Paine
Carla, please.

Mari
… Carla. As a woman I expected you would …

Paine
Be on your side? Do you believe that every woman is obliged to defer to you?

Mari
Certainly, I don’t put myself above others.

Paine
Sounds like male entitlement to me.  Which is to say, you’re worthier than I because you have a higher salary.

Mari
Absolutely not!

Paine
Isn’t that why you’re here? So this news magazine can laud your achievements further on television?

Mari
That’s cynical.

Paine
Well, isn’t that what you were expecting, to some degree?

Mari
I have no such agenda.

Paine
Do you see how other women would find it hard to relate to you?

Mari
I think they can relate to me since I’m a busy working class mother with children.

Paine
Working class? Not upper class? You have household help and child caregivers. You’ve spoken publicly about this.

Mari
I’m a … I’m a worker.

Paine
Let’s talk about that. You said in 2012 that you were head hunted after you suggested to your CEO that you use “meetings to talk about meeting points”?

Mari
Yes. This move has made the company waste less time, making it more efficient. It was a fledgling startup with few disciplined, responsible college educated people managing it at the top.

Paine
With all due respect, there’s not a man or woman watching this segment who has not said “let’s focus on meeting agendas” at some point in the past. Had I known it would be that easy to run CBS, I would have applied for the job years ago.

Mari
Obviously it’s a media company and is hard to run. You can’t just waltz in and oversee operations without the proper qualifications.

Paine
Could you clarify your point?

Mari
I’m saying I’m qualified to do my job and you are qualified to do yours.

Paine
It sounded to me like you were saying I don’t have the ability to run CBS.

Mari
Well, can you?

Paine
Let me put my point to you differently. In 2013, you were quoted as saying you innovated the company’s operating processes by introducing, and I quote, “bulleted points lists instead of numbered lists for all internal and external correspondence and wall mounted digital clocks instead of relying on computer screens.” Am I to believe that you earn twenty million dollars a month to obsess about the formatting in word processed documents and supervise office decoration? Twenty million.

Mari
Obviously this is an understatement. My statement was edited to make my job look more simple than it is.

Paine
So you agree that the job is a simple one. Were you hired as sort of a frontispiece? A beard of sorts.

Mari
Excuse me? My job is a complex … I have a Harvard MBA!

Paine
We would certainly expect a Harvard educated COO to do more than correct formatting in Word or set watches and clocks.

Mari
Can we take a break? I need to talk to my, ahhh.

Paine
Your publicist.

Mari
Can you stop the tape, please?

Paine
My boss at CBS gave me carte blanche here so that’s not going to happen.

Mari
I want to have a private conversation.

Paine
You agreed to an interview. You signed a contract.

Mari
And I’m saying I take offence to being bullied in this way by you, Carla.

Paine
Actually, it’s doctor Paine. I have a Cambridge PhD.

Categories
fiction

London: Two Months Later

Fyfe
Right. I’m not sure where to start. Your brother told me you have some unique skills.

Pleschette
I’m not sure what you mean.

Fyfe
I came across something yesterday at SB. Some Russian bloke’s going away for money laundering. Ten years. We fool around in the archives with personal effects. Auctions, lottery, grab bag, whatever. I got this bloke’s laptop. It’s brand new. Four thousand quid worth of software and hardware. Stuff I can’t even understand.

Pleschette
You want me to clean the hard drive?

Fyfe
No. The hard drive’s got one hundred gigs of … images and videos on it.

Pleschette
Is it children, mate? I’m not touching that stuff.

Fyfe
No. I saved them on these USB flash drives. Take a look. I recognise some of the people on here, but I can’t get my head around this.

Pleschette
Did you sweep this stuff for viruses? We sometimes use them to infect people’s machines.

Fyfe
He’s a techie. I used his fingerprints to access the laptop. Most of the files have got passwords.

Pleschette
Righteousness. Alright. Let us have a look. Holy … is that … ? That’s uhm, uhm… I don’t remember her name, but she’s always on the telly. Entertainment Tonight and them.

Fyfe
Exactly, right.

Pleschette
I know this one, and this one. She’s got one of those BAFTAs. I know her. She’s in the men’s mags. GQ. This is messed up, mate.

Fyfe
I put the laptop back but I broke the law opening that machine, much less possessing stolen images.

Pleschette
I feel you. So what you want me to do?

Fyfe
I want to see if we can, you know, sell them to the tabloids.

Pleschette
Ah. You want me to act like a broker? Sell them without revealing your identity?

Fyfe
Yes.

Pleschette
I’m not really into this scandal mag bullshit. I dunno how much you’re going to get. This isn’t black market contraband, mate. It’s junk. You could sell a bag of heroin faster than this shyte. Have you got any heroin? I’d make you one hundred thousand quid right quick.

Fyfe
No.

Pleschette
You could wank to it.

Fyfe
I know that. But this is like potentially… can we auction it off or …?

Pleschette
I dunno. I don’t think anyone is interested in some naked girls. Some of the shots are blurry and all. Let me ask around but I’m not making any promises.

Fyfe
Thanks.

Pleschette
Later.

Categories
fiction

She has it all

Shultz
Are you alright?

Kiki
I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be.

Shultz
So, you’re not fine.

Kiki
Why do you let him talk to me like that?

Shultz
Ruby’s an asshole, pay no attention.

Kiki
Are you defending him? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not part of your elite boys’ club. I have delicate sensibilities. I have an education, and a career. I’m respected.

Shultz
Sweetie…

Kiki
Don’t “sweetie” me! I’m a grown woman.

Shultz
Kiki… Cassandra….

Kiki
He’s a racist bastard and he only spoke to me that way because of the colour of my skin. He acts as if he’s your wife.

Shultz
No. He respects you.

Kiki
You Americans are so ignorant. You only value something if it looks like what you’re accustomed to: white, bald and red necked.

Shultz
That’s not fair.

Kiki
Isn’t that why you proposed to me five times? To get away from daft, plastic women? This is what your advisors are used to.

Shultz
Honey, we have to go ….

Kiki
Don’t call me “honey”. Do not cut me off when I’m expressing my displeasure with your callous…

Shultz
…to dinner with our friends.

Kiki
If he shows his face, and greets me with that pompous smirk, I promise I’ll make a scene. I’ll vomit into my plate.

Shultz
Cassandra? I promise you…

Kiki
We have been married, legally, twice. This is our third reception dinner, and we have not finalised the premarital agreement.

Shultz
That’s because your entire firm is wrangling with my team over grammar and spelling.

Kiki
You can’t have spelling mistakes in a legal contract. It’ll void the terms. My firm love and respect me, and this is their way of making sure I don’t get shafted by your team of wankers!

Shultz
Shafted? Shafted. I’ll give you everything I have!!!

Kiki
Was I dreaming this entire relationship? I had the undeniable impression that what we had was real. The things we shared, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Are you pretending to be in love with me?

Shultz
No! Cassandra, that’s below the belt.

Kiki
Personally, I find the term “coitus” highly inappropriate for a contract. You Americans have no sense of decorum. This is not humane. Dictating the terms of our lovemaking to officers of the court. How is that supposed to make me feel about sleeping with you?

Shultz
We’ll take that out.

Kiki
You’re laughing at me. I’m confused and scared. You’re not trying to reassure me. Instead, you’re having such fun.

Shultz
I am because that’s just business.

Kiki
Say that to me one more time, and I will …

Shultz
What? Not show up to dinner? Fine.

Kiki
Fine! And tell that deliciously hideous twag Mr. Rubinstein, Esquire, to go frag himself.

Shultz
Cassandra. Please let’s leave this to the lawyers and enjoy a night out with friends. Please? I’ll stay in if you want, and we can fight it out here for the rest of the night. But you and I know that you just want to rip my clothes off and have your way with me.

Kiki
You’re impossible.

Shultz
Alright. Can we please go out now, and later you can have your way with me?

Kiki
Am I laughing? Do you see a smile on my face?

Shultz
Alright.

Kiki
Rubinstein. Ball sack. Hill. Billy.

Shultz
I’m sorry.

Kiki
Racist twag. I’m a human rights lawyer, and a woman of colour. I can sue the small creatures crawling around in the crack of his arse, and Her Majesty’s Government would find in my favour.

Shultz
He’s fired. I’m sorry. Baby … Cassandra, I’m an asshole. An insensitive disconnected asshole. I don’t see things from your point of view. I should pay more attention. I’m sorry, and he’s gone.

Kiki
I am so annoyed with you right now.

Shultz
I know, but you love me, right? I love you.

Kiki
Don’t even start with that.

Shultz
Can I give you a kiss? Make up?

Kiki
Go away.

Categories
celebrity fiction

They want to love you but they’re just too cynical

Storm
All I’m saying is, we need to earn our bonuses this year. Can you believe my brain belched that out after spilling the Kraken’s Mortlach on your iPad?

Marcus
Do you think he’ll notice?

Storm
Do you think he’ll care? I mean, our boss move will cement us as the witch doctors of public relations. Here, I think I spilled some on you.

Marcus
I don’t think it’s…

Krajeck
Girls? What’s up. .

Storm
We have a presentation for the Raven account that, if it meets your approval, we should jump on right now.

Krajeck
Speak.

Storm
Marcus wants to pitch first.

Marcus
Thank you, Storm. Raven has needed a new win after that VH1 documentary flopped.

Krajeck
Right. Everyone wants to out-Madonna Madonna. I told her not to do it, but she insisted on having a what?

Storm
An important part of her brand to archive in the history books.

Krajeck
I’ve never met someone so engrossed in their own myth. We kept the VH1 flop out of the press and edited it out of Wikipedia. What? Did you hear she’s shopping for a new publicist?

Marcus
No, Sir. And as for her tour, camera phones took images of empty seats at several concert venues. The rumours about her husband cheating had already come out. So, she might be listening to other people and not just us.

Krajeck
Hmmm. She’s a brand, or whatever. Everything is someone else’s fault. How are perfume sales?

Storm
We bought up this season’s batch right out of the factory in Macau at wholesale price. Her holding company should be reporting a large sales volume.

Krajeck
Where did you dump this batch?

Storm
We gave a bottle to every C list stylist and fashion blogger we could find. Then, we let Chinese customs confiscate the rest. We contacted department stores to tell them there’s a wait list for new product. The rest should pop up on eBay.

Krajeck
Marcus?

Marcus
Thank you. As I was saying. We need to orchestrate a win that has no threat of backfiring negatively. Storm and I came up with a plan to use the firm’s entertainment industry connections in India. We want to do what we’ll call an “unconventional album release.” No marketing, no leaks, no pre-release interviews. We say it’s the fans that made the venture successful.

Krajeck
We bought all of her 13.7 Twitter followers and she’s only tweeted eight times. How can we get an album released in stealth if she hasn’t tweeted since 2013?

Storm
We want to  lock down the largest call centre in Mumbai, JavaStar, and our army of Twitter sock puppets. First, we create a pre-order sales listing for the album. We do not actually upload the album. The call centre workers will use IP proxy software to make purchases from various locations, including the United States.

Krajeck
That’s super expensive. Can’t we buy the album at a huge discount? Like the Samsung deal?

Marcus
Yes, but her image is sustained on this aura of greatness and glory. She can’t maintain that aura by doing things in the conventional way. As for money, it doesn’t matter what the pre-order sales price is. It could be one cent.

Storm
We release the album for pre-order quietly tonight on iTunes at a basement price. JavaStar buys up as many copies as possible before five tomorrow morning, our time. When everyone wakes up, history has been made. Another top-selling album has been born. Number one is what people expect from Raven, but this time, we give them number one with a twist.

Krajeck
Her management team might go for that.

Storm
There are only three people in the world who know about this. We are standing here in this room.

Krajeck
I see your point but someone will notice the basement price tomorrow morning, and one screen grab later, it’s game over.

Marcus
Not if we restore the price to $13.59 by five in the morning. Since there is no album to download, customers will get error messages. It creates confusion, increases demand, and adds to the “we can’t download it fast enough” storyline. Also, we don’t sell individual songs. It’s the whole album at one go. That will generate complaints, which will also feed the story. If someone catches the low price, we pretend it was an iTunes malfunction, but it’ll probably get lost in the noise.

Storm
As I’ve said, we’re not going to need the actual album. We need the album cover art and permission to upload it for sale as a pre-order. Her people don’t ever need to know what we’re up to. She’ll stay with us.

Marcus
For our plan to be found out, someone would have to know the album’s being released tomorrow and then search for the name.

Krajeck
Apple won’t go for it.

Marcus
Actually, they have to go for it. Their contract does not stipulate any minimum or maximum price points. So, we can name any price we want, and change it when we want to. The price change affects her commission only. That’s for her record company to worry about.

Krajeck
How many sales are you aiming for?

Storm
We want to try and do two hundred thousand downloads in four hours. The call centre rents by the hour, and they’ve given us a “four hours for $50,000” deal. In terms of the way iTunes calculates “success” of a release, that many downloads in four hours would be phenomenal. We need a detailed protocol and everyone has to stick to it. It will push the album to number one. The iTunes report would be enough to distract everyone from the failed tour.

Krajeck
So, two hundred thousand downloads at one cent, each. We could use the retainer account to pay for it, but we still have to create one hundred thousand unique iTunes accounts. Factoring in the cost of each gift card, rental space for the call centre and your Twitter people. Great idea, but too much of a bother to execute.

Storm
Not necessarily. And that’s why no one will even think of it.

Krajeck
Walk me through it, one more time.

Marcus
Again, the call centre workers in Mumbai buy up as many of the albums as they can in a short space of time. At 4.55 our time, we tweet about the official release from Raven’s Twitter account. We let the bots retweet to other celebrity Twitter bot accounts to create visibility. At that point, we suspend the buying spree and restore the album pre-release price to the original $13.59. Then we wait for the press to bite.

Krajeck
Are we using the Romanians again?

Storm
Yes. They can make the tweets appear to be globally distributed. We could request that Twitter send those statistics around to the music blogs.

Krajeck
Can we afford three million retweets?

Marcus
Yes, we pay them per hundred thousand tweets anyway, so it’s like thirty units. Costs are minimal. The last time, they told me they install trojans on computers or game consoles as far away as Southeast Asia. So, that’s how I know the retweets are doable in our timeline. While the retweets are happening in Asia, people are at school or at work and won’t notice. When it’s time to start the retweeting in the US, people are at school or at work, well after our sales drive finished in Mumbai. We move backwards from the International Date Line, to mitigate the time discrepancies.

Krajeck
I see. So it looks like the release tweet was done at five in the morning to take advantage of the time lag and get people in Asia to buy her album first. Then, we Americans pick up on it on the same day and that will drive up sales. If this works to raise the legitimate sales and no-one twigs, we do a super download to drive up domestic sales at the end of the year.

Storm
That’s a great idea, since iTunes reports album sales numbers only.

Krajeck
Marcus, I want a complete, step by step technical explanation from your team in Mumbai so I can understand exactly how this stuff works. If something can go wrong, I need to see it beforehand.

Marcus
I’ll get on it right away.

Storm
Sir.