Gouache and glossy magazine paper on cardboard.
The original painting was way darker and somewhat grotesque. I had to cover it up. I felt ill looking at it. It took me a week but I managed to unburden it with lighter colours. Can you can feel how heavy it is? That was my point of conflict. This is angst. x SB
Pecs Bowen tagged me to answer the Questionnaire for Imagineers and I agreed to do it even though I’m an uptight control freak. I can’t imagine what will happen after I post this, and that terrifies me. Christe, eléison.
(☄ฺ◣д◢)☄ :::::: (ʘ言ʘ╬)
1. If you wanted to name yourself again, what would you call yourself?
Savannah Westmore, after two parishes in my home country. Or the more androgynous Pritchard Douglass.
2. If there is one, what would be the last line of your biography?
“She was always going to do whatever she felt like.”
3. Would you kiss a complete stranger in the rain or an old friend on the shore?
A complete stranger in the rain, under an umbrella. Wait… Does “in falling snow at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Day in a crowd of thousands” count towards this? The clocktower bells were clanging and it seemed like the appropriate thing to do.
4. If you had to choose two famous/historical figures to have coffee, who would they be?
Kublai Khan and Attila, just to see how they’d react to my hair, right now.
5. If you could pack your bags, leave all behind and be forgotten for a year, where would you go?
Iceland. It’s a remote island with a small population, plenty of book stores, spas outdoors and nature that’s still unspoiled (but not for long if GE has their way).
6. People with a particular talent that you don’t have and wish you did?
I would feel really happy if I could play the piano well and enjoy it. I would be a concert pianist, since I would practice compulsively and want to do nothing else.
7. One thing that always fascinated you and you know it always will?
Marc Jacobs’ kilts. He looks great in them.
8. If God exists and you had to give Him one piece of advice, what would it be?
{Null set}
9. What is the sexiest place you can imagine to do it on?
Floor to ceiling window glass of a 28th floor hotel suite, which has a panoramic view of the grounds of a certain palace. I thought the tinted glass was one way, but I realised the next morning, walking back from Tully’s, that if the living room and hallway lights are on… Right. Et cetera.
10. If you had only one hour to live before the world comes to an end, how would you spend it?
I’ll comfort the people dearest to me and in silent prayer, send requests ahead for the afterlife. In a different star system.
11. If you could go back in time and meet yourself for an hour, which year would you go to and how would you spend the time?
September, 2000. I would say, “Say yes. He is a great travel companion and conversationalist with refined manners. He will give you all of your space. He’s also aged well. And … this is the formula for the 100% Pure super fruits moisturiser I’m using. Make. Patent. Sell. When you finally tie the knot, you’re going to live in Fort Lauderdale. Which is perfect because there’s this huge outlet mall … ”
12. If you had to destroy yourself, how would you do it?
Bare my soul to someone and have that person respond with the frozen, smelly cod fish thwack of indifference.
THE END
(⁎ૢ⚈ै೧⚈ै⁎ૢ)
Condescension is manufactured self praise. Two things might happen. Sometimes a person wants to say “I’m great” but for that to work, the others must be low impact. (I discussed this in Envy and GOYA). Or, one insignificant aspect of the other person is used to judge them as wholly incompetent in all matters.
Case in point? A fine arts conference I attended this past week. After surviving a two hour planning meeting, which I co-chaired, I realised I was missing a painting session in the park. Then, it occurred to me I was only a ten minute drive from the restaurant of two friends. It is a visual spectacular stuffed with beautiful antiques.
I invited a colleague to join me. At the previous year’s conference, she was nice to me. She had not packed her lunch, so I thought she would like a delicious meal in a unique setting. Five minutes after later, I knew I had made a huge mistake. The first face slap came after I told her I confirmed the reservation, so I couldn’t rescind the invite.
I used a PLUG for the rude remarks, but she was a slinky on an escalator. What she said: Below are the highlights.
12.40 You drive?!?!?!
12.41 Do you want me to drive? Are you okay driving a car??!
12.44 Where are we going?!!! Do you know where you’re going?
12.45 Did you get your license HERE??!?!??!?
12.48 You are driving like a wild person. (The driver in front of us has swung out in front of me and I am forced to brake suddenly.)
13.25 You’ve started eating already.
13.30 This restaurant is so beautiful. I feel bad eating here because we are attending a work conference.
13.43 You’ve finished already.
13.47 That’s a take away dessert. You must not eat it now!!
13.59 This biscuit is delicious. You can’t have flour? But it’s yummy. Mmmmm…. Hmmmm? (I am gluten intolerant).
14.01 (I quietly pay for lunch. This causes her to feel guilty about something).
14.02 Oh!!! No. I … It’s …
14.06 (I realize I’ve left my umbrella). You’re a careless girl. People are inconvenienced by you. (It’s my friend’s shop, and they don’t care about that stuff).
14.09 You are able to paint? (NB: This is an fine-arts conference with over five hundred participants and I co-chaired the morning session).
14.20 (End of ordeal and time for a walk in the park.)
Thrust in spells, fire irons were cast
Wild minds centre, great hands are clasped
Feathers fret round von Hoven’s draft
There’s much to fear where Rosen’s in craft
Plated in sheaths, impressions wrought steel
Thorn’s tender roses are flocking in teams
Verita’s lapels shall bind at the mast
What burdens we’ll bear if Rosen’s this craft
Special thanks go to the spectacularly talented artist and photographer, Stephen Day. I found an inspiring story in his photograph, Swimming with Roses, and my poem practically wrote itself. Stephen blogs with the equally fabulous Jennifer Day at The Iconophile.
We’ve all received unprovoked hate: Backhanded compliments and passive aggressive put downs, or “shade.” When people choose to be unkind without provocation, it might be a force of habit or hard wiring. Before I continue, I should say that like Britney, I’m not that innocent. I enjoy throwing shade at human energy drinkers, but only after they start with me.
In case someone you didn’t start something with goes out of their way to stomp on your joy, I wrote this post for you. By now you’re SMART (Sombre, Masterful, Attentive, Respectful, Tyrannical) about being hated. Often, tyranny is not the best option when in combat with Darth Shader. This post introduces a positive, self affirming response. To PLUG, we play, laugh, understand and grow from interactions with H8Rz.
Here we go? Let us PLUG.
I love this meme. x SB
Play along
When the shade hits the fan, there are three ways you can play along. If you ignore unwelcome remarks, H8Rz will take this as a sign they’ve struck a nerve and dig in. So first, keep a neutral expression and ask for repetition. (My neutral expression is a smile). I have a “third time and it’s yours” rule. I ask for repetition two times to see if the person will hear how their words sound.
If the person does not give up after the second repeat, I ask for clarification. Neutral expressions again. Defending yourself won’t work, either. If they haven’t given up at this stage, or try again later, they’ve owned it by default and I can do the third thing: Deliberately misunderstand, or get tyrannical.
For the former tactic, rephrase the statement to mean something positive about yourself. Toss it back. You will hear, “I didn’t mean to compliment you.” Say, “Thank you.” As in, “This interaction is over and thank you for your attention.” If the behaviour is repeated, that is hate and it’s time to put the T in SMART.
Laugh at yourself
Embrace the things that are uniquely you. See “shade” as acknowledgment that someone finds you interesting. Your sense of humour could win you admirers and defenders. One day, someone teased me with, “Hey, you’re walking like a pigeon.” It’s true, but that detail is inconsequential to anything happening in my day.
I played along by pretending this was a compliment. I laughed and said, “Thank you!” A different person piped in with, “Actually, she’s catwalking.” When you laugh at yourself, others may feel encouraged to warm to your side. Shine in confidence and leave haters in the shade.
Understand
You “love thyself” and your emotional set points are high. People who put you down without provocation have lower emotional set points. They may feel they’re doing you a favour. They believe that by pulling you off your perch they’ll help you avoid disappointment.
Resist the urge to adjust your emotions or responses to the lower setting. Also understand that H8Rz notice and admire your natural talent. Instead of doing their own work, they sling mud to throw you off your game. Stay focused.
Grow from it
Hanging on to unkind words can set you back. However, reflect on unpleasant interactions and think about how you want to be treated. Then, set a better example by doing unto others. Make the effort to recognise negative characters and avoid them. Sometimes, you need to shine light on a person to see them for who they are.
I hope you’ll never need this advice. But if someone tosses shade your way, your objective is to firmly push back the disrespectful behaviour while keeping your hands clean. Play along and laugh to yourself but show some compassion and you will grow from the experience.
Photo credit: “Mick O’Connells pub, Utrecht, The Netherlands”
from Tiberiu Ana via Flickr/Wylio
I’m on a journey …
(In a taxi at the airport)
It started 3 months, two weeks, 5 days, 7 hours, and 1, 2, 3 minutes ago
I’m in this line
My friends say TMI’s annoying
But I’ve come too far
Too far to stop the hysterics
Too far to consider being discreet
Too far to flash less … than Kate
25, 26, 27, 28
The socks for my honey
Wrapped up by my scarves
You know where the store is…
(And now we’re boarding)
They’re both proof that I’m rich
Right now I’m starved
My flight’s in the air
My bags are on the floor
41, 42, 43, 44
I’m on a gurney
After I stubbed my toe ..
In the restroom
49, 50, 51
Photo Credit: “Aeroflot” from Aleksander Markin via Flickr/Wylio
TMI version inspired by the Guinness, Reach for Greatness TV “Spoken Word” commercial for the Caribbean.
Tomorrow, I’ll publish a post based on this Guinness commercial. The original is fantastic and I thought you should see it first before reading my version of it. This content does not belong to me and this video is posted temporarily for context only. Thank you for viewing.
60 second ad for Guinness, for the Caribbean.
By Asterix 1759 via YouTube.
Hygiene, or a sense of professional decorum, is important when communicating with readers. In this post, I discuss my personal blogging hygiene. I am not the most appropriate person around here, but I have guidelines for being “professional” even while I’m acting out.
Terminology
There’s a follow button around here but I’m not Yeezus. I prefer to say subscribers or readers. Frankly, no-one is hanging on my every word. Everyone visits willingly and this makes feedback immensely valuable.
Calling cards
Right, so when someone gives some feedback on a post, I never assume they’re in love. They’re not getting carried away in the fantasy of us. In return for their kind support, I don’t suddenly post missives about my happy family life, my husband, wife and three point five children, my happy engagement, my hot muscular boyfriend, my busty girlfriend or announce that I am in fact, gay, asexual or bisexual. I don’t conclude that attention from a blogger means they want, you know, a relationship. Like, for real? That’s whack.
Rapport
To begin with, I try to post things that readers might enjoy. If I invite feedback, I look out for it and respond as soon as I see it. If I have objections to post content, I quietly leave. WordPress is not a bistro, so ordering authors around is not on. Conversations and continued attention are the best ways to develop rapport with other bloggers. Self-adulatory messages along these lines don’t count: “Hello, Good on you for recognising my genius. I’m grateful for every minion…”
Command prompts
Showing up on blogs like the Supreme Queen of the Universe and commanding bloggers to “read, like and follow” is poor form. Occasionally, I point bloggers to posts I’ve written but when phrasing my requests, I remember how someone snarled at me, “Obviously you didn’t memorise read my (PhD thesis) proposal.” It had taken him six years, on two scholarships, to write four pages. It was a full two minute read. I promised to never talk to anyone like that.
Assumptions
When someone visits my catalog and exclaims that I’m “strange”, I’m reminded of the recording artist (you’ve never heard of him) to whom I was almost engaged. He had spent his career in the tabloids, on stages and in bathtubs with models in a drug induced haze. He called me, “stuck up” because I said that in our future together on Paradise Island, I would like to spend Sunday mornings watching polo. Think about this for a minute. To what was this person’s assessment of “fun” calibrated? Thank you.
Solidarity
I’m not a judging panelist, but a member of a community. So, when commenting on posts, I’ll say how much I enjoyed reading. I’ll read as if I’m watching my favourite Russian pianist live in concert. I call out from the balcony. Brava! Bella! Then, backstage, I shower her with kisses. I offer the same to you.
Derelict
and dark as dawn
there sleeps Narcissus
wrapped up in flor
In that greener garden
were Venus rests
Piaget found us
romping with Faun
Hypnosis
cloaked in silky feathers
bound tightly did she
his powder dreams
in her life long tethers
We feel his screams
and harken
In silence we uproar
No, not again
Maximum dolōr
II
As icy ponds
where pelts the rain
how crushed we are
to hear his pain
May marvels end
no subtle cue
or she’ll come here
to look for you
Here Vera grins
in peace she reigns
on wine filled sacks
o’er toasted grain
Lovingly
she beams
but silver tears will flow
and while Narcissus sleeps
her music belts
the streams
as they go
She is fighting the glamour wars
during office hours in cropped pants
of size… six?
You’d better take notes
and get in the mix
She is delighted to spread
in fashionless sense
with plumped up pride
what a skirt should hide
I think Mrs West is my icon and I’m, like, you know, following her on Instagram. I liked, you know, all of her posts yesterday. She wears see through tights with jackets. Now everyone is doing it. So I wanna be, like, the first person to, like, wear all capri pant suits. Just suits! I want that one and that one and that one…
OMG did you see the Queen of Spain
whose canary capris were a faux pas in vain
for Trendi bought them in bale and
f
l
i
p
s
that mane
Minutes after noon, she’ll toss
her meal in the trash
then dab some gloss
to soothe a lip rash
caused by (vitamin) deficiency
but not to worry
Facebook is telling me,
these capsules heal effectively
Haughtily she swipes past
sucking all your energy
pretending to have a blast
There goes Trendi
on a Pepsi Cola fast
Guest post by mGm on Nadia Monsengo’s essay
My thoughts on Africa’s Image Problem
The way they feed on the negativity of Africa is disconcerting. The media only shows negative images of Africa … They take advantage of the negativity of Africa and take advantage of the positive light it shines on them for giving generously.
Excerpted from “Nadia Monsengo” by Nadia Monsengo of African Artista
What an interesting and completely relatable post. Having lived in Australia for more than a decade, I am still surprised and stung by off the cuff remarks such as, “Oh, as an African, you must be used to the heat”; “Do you have tarmac roads?”; “Is your family safe from Ebola/ Al Shabab violence” and …
“But you can’t be African, you aren’t black?!”
Some of these are general ignorance mixed with polite concern. It is the ignorance that I take issue with. During my schooling years, we learned not just about ourselves as a country (Kenya) and a continent (Africa), we also learned our place in the world and about the rest of the world with equal focus.
I feel sorry for those who never learned about other countries and continents so that their view of the world now is rather self centric and skewed. They missed out on so much. African history and current affairs, as Nadia rightly mentions, are overly represented by the negatives, which every corner of this world has some form of.
I take great pride in educating anyone who will listen about the origins and richness of Swahili as a language; about the pioneer microfinancing innovation, M-PESA; about English being one of my first languages and how most people where I am from are trilingual; about the indescribable beauty of Africa; the unsurpassed warmth and comfort of a community-based outlook.
Everyone belongs.
Africa is more than a game-watching destination or a dumping ground for last-season’s-disposable-fashion-disguised-as-charity. I devote considerable time during such conversations to dispelling ignorant myths, most of which are laughable. But real change can only come from two sources: a shift in the media perspective so that it is not all doom and gloom; and a fair and reasonable inclusion of African history, geography, culture and civics (preferably with considerations for the diversity in the same) in mainstream Western education.
Of course, the audience must listen with open mind and heart.
I, for one, am proud of and grateful for the fact that my formative education was undertaken in Africa. I am so much richer and well-rounded for it.
Man
So we went skiing … We went up one side and came down the other side.
Woman
(1 Inaudible)
Man
Are you running every day?
Woman
(2 Inaudible)
Man
You only run one time a week?!
Woman
(3 Inaudible)
Man
How far is your long run? …
Woman
(4 Inaudible)
Man
In the bushes? Or… The shade?
Woman
(5 Inaudible)
Man
I like to wake up in my house for a change…
Woman
(6 Inaudible)
Man
It’s fun and I enjoy it … There’s a huge mess everywhere. All your food is gone… Dishes are in the sink.
Woman
(7 Inaudible)
Man
I’m taking a break … We just destroy his house.
Woman
(8 Inaudible)
Man
Yeah… Thanks for having a …
Woman
(9 Inaudible)
Man
I was surprised that you were … I was GLAAAAAD.
Woman
(10 Inaudible)
Man
Keep in touch alright?
Woman
(11 Inaudible)
Man
How about this … Let’s go for a …Don’t be shy… I’ll shop around… Just text me … If I finish shopping and I’m ready to go …
Woman
(12 Inaudible)
Man
Don’t. Be. Shy. If I’m ready to go … and it’s too early for you … Don’t be shy. It’s OK. I’ll shop and …
Spearmint Notes
I felt compelled to transcribe this after the volume of the man’s voice interfered with me. This happened one Friday night at the book store. There was elevator music in the background. The ceilings reached to infinity and the floor space is open. That and forty plus simultaneous conversations did not drown him out. When I couldn’t find any music to block him (Rammstein couldn’t even), I stopped reading and started transcribing. At 23.00, on my way out, I walked by him talking LOUDLY in another part of the store. Oi.
PS: I’m not the date police but, dude, did you take the woman on a date to a location where people are lolling about in their pajamas, so you could advertise that you were on a date?
Update @ 13:48: The Beleauguered Servant was sweet enough to complete the conversation so please read it. It’s hilarious.
x SB
Listen up, ’cause after this I bounce
Someone’s gonna be worth a billion
Gonna be a Glampire
When you sizzle
Make them hiss
(Grab that door, Mike!)
Shimmy on down
Uncross your legs
Grow some cleavage
Be a ‘ho
Someone’s gonna buy a fancy new title
(Lord!)
Gonna be the next homewrecker
Gonna gain what they all lose
Reach the cover of Star
Gotta be fake
Drag that hose
Pat that cake
Tweak that nose
Paparazzi’s gonna get tasered
In front of your house
Someone’s gonna sell Huggies on TV
Gonna land in the pool
Make that splash
Get that endorsement
Count that cash
You’re no second best
Housewife of Beverly Hills
(Washed up on Jersey Shore)
It’s all you Dancing with the Stars
So swill that gin
Flush that pot…
Someone’s going to Celebrity Rehab…
Why not you?
Photo credit: “Paparazzi harasses Paris” by Internets Diary via Flickr/Wylio
Inspired by the Guinness “Why Not You” television commercial, “Adam King” advertising campaign for Asia 2003-2005.
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