Invasion

Narcissists may be our last line of defence in the event of an invasion. They have been studied by psychologists and social scientists. They have perplexed boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands, children, friends, coworkers and voters for millennia. But don’t rehabilitate them just yet. In case Earth is invaded, we may need their unique soul sucking gifts to reduce Earth intruders (thanks Björk) to pillars of salt, muddied with twigs and branches.

Narcissists will never lose. Their only goal is to destroy you. They will do whatever it takes to achieve that. What guarantees your destruction by a narcissist is being in their field of vision. If they perceive your existence, you have become a problem, and it’s game over for you. The only way to avoid being destroyed is to avoid them completely.

That’s why we will need them to neutralise the most unkillable extraterrestrials in the known universe: The Borg and Q Continuum.

Borg
The Borg are collectively aware and do not speak as separate individuals. The Borg were once “flawed and weak”, but developed into a cybernetic species in an effort to evolve and perfect themselves. These two points make the Borg vulnerable to counterattack: They are not perfect yet and they speak as one voice because they live in “harmony.”

Narcissists are gifted at finding flaws, insecurities and emotional triggers and adapting to them so they can manipulate targets. They are also skilled at pretending to fit in with societies and cultures. They will ingratiate themselves and go through the motions of blending in, committing with utmost devotion to the sole objective of being more Borg than the Borg themselves.

Their blind devotion to all things Borg will get them promoted to Super Master Borg Ambassador in short shrift. Once they’ve earned that trust, they will switch up and launch a takeover of the collective, effectively destroying its integrity.

Remember how the Borg quickly adjust their shields to phaser frequencies? Well, that will offer no protection because narcissists excel at waffling. They’re inconsistent. They constantly change their “principles” and “theories” but only after you’ve made yourself amenable to the set they’ve just made up. They are particularly awesome at saying one thing and vehemently denying it zero point zero five milliseconds later.

This endless fluctuation will drive the Borg mad and melt their circuitry.

Game, Earth.

Q
The Q are immortal, extra dimensional beings but are not absolutely omniscient or omnipotent. They possess the power of instantaneous matter-energy transformation and teleportation, as well as the ability to time travel. They can move entire star systems with their minds.

Aha! No one can beat them, you say? But trust me, narcissists are gifted at finding flaws. Immortality and time travel have three side effects that work against members of the Q Continuum. These side effects are boredom, curiosity and a seemingly infinite capacity to calculate outcomes based on mathematical principles. In other words, Q are happy go lucky and are always right.

Narcissists, on the other hand, have a palpable lack of curiosity. In their minds, they are always right and their truth is the only one that matters. They don’t care about things like evidence, investigation, scientific studies or obvious in front of their very eyes stuff. Narcissists love to say, “I don’t care about that” really fast. Don’t bother explaining to them the need to make the link between what they said now and what they said milliseconds ago. They don’t follow threads of thought or consider the merits of your argument. They are only concerned with making you wrong.

All narcissists can do this to some extent, but the Q can be annihilated by a special elite class of narcissist. This narcissist is known as the Mega N.

… to be continued