New tax penalties for single women

Government introduces new tax penalties for single women and fashion bloggers
by Shalala Riceampeas
SB NEWS
April 27, 2015 09:15 GMT

The Government has announced in the 2015 Spring Statement and 2015 Finance Bill, tax measures that are likely to be welcomed by men who have been unable to find girlfriends in the dating pool, bars and pubs.

Three tax measures are intended to support peer-to-peer introductions; online dating services; dental clinics; hair salons and fitness clubs.

1. From April 2016, a new tax penalty of 10% will be introduced for women who do not register their relationship status as “in a relationship” on HateBook. All women are required to register their relationship status with local councils. Verification documents may include vacation photos, party videos, xrated chats, and not safe for work videos.
2. The Government will be introducing an additional 20% income tax for all fashion and beauty bloggers who fail to register as being “in a relationship” as of April 2017.
3. Finally, the Government will build on its promise to stamp out antisocial behaviour among unmarried women with relationship training, love life inspections and registration centres throughout the country.

The introduction of the tax penalties will encourage more women to develop the skills to attract men and keep them interested. Relief will therefore be offered to men who have said they are not having any luck picking up women in bars, nightclubs, restaurants, train stations, book stores, or hotel lobbies.

Finance Minister Spahm Bherger has said that single women “spend too much of their income on scented candles, handbags, shoes, lacy underwear and cosmetics.” He further said that, “women with boyfriends or husbands tend to make meals at home and do laundry. We believe that the new tax measures will help more men to have their nutrition and intimacy needs met at home.” News of the crackdown has caused a surge in the number of registrations at KindHer, BindHer and Gatch.com. Independent matchmaking services have also seen a surge in customers.

Bella Donna, a pole play choreographer at PolinEX, has said she will need more staff to help teach scores of women who have registered for nightly pole and lap dancing lessons. Some fashion bloggers have seen the new tax measure as a way to make quick cash. They offer wardrobe arrangement, makeup and etiquette lessons via Skype.

Fashion blogger Raga Muffine charges $50 per hour for fruit licking lessons at her tiny apartment in the city. Clients bring their own ripe bananas or Twinkies to class. Ms Muffine provides the whipped cream, maple syrup or chocolate sauce at no extra cost.

According to the Spring Statement, the Government will not recognise unmarried same sex couples. This means that women will not be able to pretend they are in relationships with their single girlfriends in an attempt to avoid paying the tax.

Finally, the Government has also announced its intention to introduce new online systems. These are the Social Engagement Kickstart Scheme (SEKS) and Seed Injection Scheme (SIS). These systems are geared at providing legal insurance to companies as encouragement to relax rules about staff relations and sexual harassment policies, making it less problematic for busy women to flirt with men and find boyfriends at work.

The schemes are likely to be of interest to not only nerds and geeks who traditionally have no game, but also to speed dating providers who wish to provide lunchtime dating sessions for corporate clients.

Divorced women and widows will also be penalised.

What are your thoughts on the proposed changes? Tweet us: @kissmycinnabuns. Image via Jonathan Borba, Unsplash.