
Jupiter
Your wife asked me to talk to you. I see that you were admitted after a panic attack. Panic attacks are often caused by stress. Are you overworked?
Neil
No, it’s a name-only job. On weekdays I’m at the horse farm. I’m in the city on weekends.
Jupiter
If you don’t talk about this now, you’ll have another episode and we’ll be back here. What happened right before you collapsed?
Neil
I had just finished a fencing session with John Tam, the interior designer. He asks me to follow him on Instagram. I do that. I notice he has 4,000,000 followers. I scroll through and count twenty posts. I suddenly felt a tightness in my chest and here we are. Completely unrelated, I’m sure.
Jupiter
Let me do a quick check… His account has been active for … a month. And… I see that you have nine hundred thousand followers. That’s a good number.
Neil
I’m the COO of a global non-profit. I have two thousand paid employees. I should be instantly recognised. Nine hundred thousand followers is unacceptable for someone of my status.
Jupiter
From what I see here, your posts are about your vegan diet, and you in … very tight-fitting …. running outfits and … what’s in this post?
Neil
Pheasant farm in Latvia. I cooked that outdoors on a grill. Rock salt, rosemary, olive oil. Instant hit with my three Fortune 500 CEO guests. Only two thousand likes. I mean, it’s not a hamburger, so no one’s interested.
Jupiter
Okay.
Neil
You know what? I want to create a panel… of designers, professors, chefs and editors. I want to chair that panel. We will judge profiles and grade them for quality. Cut out all of those followers, delete all of those likes.
Jupiter
You could hire a PR firm to fix this for you.
Neil
This is what I hate now. Asking someone to help me to become popular. I don’t want anything from anyone.
Jupiter
Is this a competition between you and your friend?
Neil
There is no competition. I mean, what does he have? I have more influence than all of these trending people. Some of them don’t even have jobs. They can’t afford my lifestyle. It makes no sense that they are more popular when I have more prestige.
Jupiter
I see that this situation is causing some stress. So we should get you on some medication and schedule a session to talk?
Neil
Talk therapy for Instagram? I’m offended by that. This is exactly what I’m talking about. No matter what I do, I get no respect…
52 replies on “Socialite Media”
LOL…I love it! 🙂
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Thank you. Avoid this type like the plague. They’re hard to please. x
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I will for sure!
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Hilarious!
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Thank you so much. I’m glad you liked it. It was hard to edit with a straight face. Your feedback was most welcome.
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stress is for wussies – wait call 911, I can’t breathe….
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My friend is only a designer.
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Reblogged this on Curious Evelyn Seeks and commented:
“It’s vital to our species that social media is not only a part of daily lives, but essential for our psychological well being. Please read along at your own leisure and find out.” 😉
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Thanks for reblogging, Evelyn. It was fun talking about the Emperor, the Lord King Yeezus.
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Your next post could be about starting a starting a rebellion against Lord King Yeezus. He needs to be overthrown!
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That’s a great suggestion. I wrote one near Easter asking for Judas to betray him, but I trashed it from my notes. I thought it was too melodramatic. People laugh at him and still he persists. I’ll consider it.
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I believe his neediness is the cure for the world, at least he believes so.
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He’s the 21st century’s Emperor (in his New Clothes). I’m still trying to get some body stockings from Adidas, though. Let’s see how that works out. I do not need the bummy holey pullover sweaters.
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Yikes! He has taken over the world with nude body stockings! Noooooo….
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He has the worst fashion sense ever. If he weren’t a rapper, he wouldn’t be a designer. He might actually be working at a FedEx and people would ignore him as they should.
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His head is too inflated to work at FedEx. Wouldn’t go through the door. Or maybe it would even pop!
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It’s a physical and not necessarily a psychological problem. Ha ha ha That was terrible.
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Maybe for him it’s a special condition. His psychological problem manifests itself physically, like his inflated head. Hehe..
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Open mouth belly laugh. Congratulations. You have graduated with an honours degree in throwing shade.
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You too SB. You’ve just invented OMBL. You deserve a place in the urban dictionary. 🙂 I’m going to reblogged this as soon as I have access to a computer.
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Thanks. I literally exploded when I read your comment just then and again, now. Seriously.
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You’re very welcome 🙂 We all needed a laugh to get that out of our system. And thank you again for your award. I am most honored.
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Reblogged this on frotasticmama and commented:
WELL-PLACED THOUGHTS!
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Thanks so much for the reblog, Frotasticmama, I am glad you liked it. x
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Fb envy and instagram envy…this was a great read! I enjoyed it!
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Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much it meant that you liked it. x
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Aaaw! Well, I really did! 😀 that’s why I shared it! 😀
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Bwahahahaha…some teenagers might need instagram therapy as well…shall I refer them to you..
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Thanks, but I do not need them. And that man, is a grown baby. He needs to be rolled down a hill, maybe.
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Oh no!…spiked heels might work for him as well…that’ll turn him into a grown man certainly
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I dare not say what I’ll do. Not in public. I’m sure it won’t help. This guy needs some serious help. Not even the Lord himself can fix this.
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Oooo..i can only imagine what you will do and giggle about it….maybe some alcohol can fix him though
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I’ll pour it on his head.
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Hahahahahha…let me have some too..🙊
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You’re underage.
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😭don’t tell me that…i want some…..😋
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No alcohol until you’re 30, young lady.
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Twenty five….that’s the age limit…it should be eighteen though…we can have sex at eighteen then why not alcohol..tragedy..😭
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Don’t do either until you’re 30, young lady. The horrors!!!
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Oh…i have tried alcohol already though..dont kill me..about sex…here is a confession..i can’t have sex…even the thought of it makes me have stomach aches..its a psychological disorder maybe….i have to be single all my life now..🙈
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I’m so happy to hear that. xxx
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Hhaahaha….yep..my mom will panic if she comes to know about it though…the chances of me never getting married are high…oh she will erupt like a volcano..😱
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That’s okay, you’ll have to win lots of writing awards to distract her.
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🙉that won’t happn either..maybe i should go to bhutan instead…become a nun…👼
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That sounds like a fantastic idea, and then you can write Buddhist kick ass sci fi fiction.
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😻that’ll be so cooooool…but buddhists will banish me from their society for that…i am too much into carnal writings..🙀
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They can handle it. As long as you don’t say it, and just write it, you’ll be fine.
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Hopefully..bhutan..here i come..🙌🙏
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Reminds of a particular celebrity who likes to “break the internet”…
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You mean, her crazy insane husband?
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Hahahaha..if you talk about him then you definitely need to devote your whole blog to him complete with microphones and Beyonce lookalikes.
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He’s so needy it makes me ill.
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