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48, Single Men Only

If you weren’t lucky enough to have won the style sense lottery, are unhappily single or divorced but gainfully employed and reasonably sane, this post is for you.

If you were a spornosexual dandy in your twenties and thirties, forty was the year you were smoking hot. You could do no wrong. Women wilted at the sight of you and men wanted to be you. The first thing you needed to be an expert at when you hit forty was how to be with women. I don’t care how much you suck at your job, this was the most important skill you needed to have at that age.

If you weren’t lucky enough to have won the style sense lottery, are unhappily single or divorced but gainfully employed and reasonably sane, this post is for you.

You are not a small animal, so stop acting like one. First, do not compare women to inanimate objects. It’s not a compliment. If you think she’s beautiful say, “You’re beautiful”. That’s it. If you like her say, “I like you.” No explanation necessary. Never try to be poetic or descriptive about why you like her. If she wants a man to read her poetry she should join a book club. Because a woman with that as a priority will bring you nothing but misery and pain.

Second, never initiate a conversation with a woman when you feel horny. You’re going to mess up. You’re going to put your foot in your mouth and she’s going to slap you.

Assess yourself before you wreck yourself. Think of all the wonderful things about yourself that you admire. Your humour, your good looks, your charm, your ability to use eye contact to melt panties. Now strike all of those things off your list because no one sees you that way.

In other words, don’t be a pompous oaf. If you’re overweight, balding and lumpy; take medication for diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease before drinking half a bottle of cognac; have erectile dysfunction and smoke like a chimney, please leave the woman’s tiny little breakout alone. If she’s younger and fitter than you are, it is simply oaflike to use the fact that she’s over the age of eighteen against her.

By the age of thirty seven most men have a working knowledge of who they were at twenty seven. Socially, it is not a requirement for men to constantly reassess and update themselves as they grow. Women have a better advantage because we always see ourselves as we are going to be in ten years.

Now imagine reaching forty eight and interacting with women as if you’re twenty seven. Are you having problems getting women to stay interested? That’s why.

Listen. It’s really important to pay attention to what is being said to you. Assume she’s not speaking in metaphors. She knows exactly what she’s thinking and she’s telling you exactly what’s going on in her mind. Ask lots of questions if you don’t understand. Be direct and use simple phrasing. It’s what forensic scientists, economists and Nobel prize winning physicists do all the time.

Third “animal point”? Stop making out in cars. Get comfortable first. Her breast is not a horn so don’t pump or tap it. I don’t want to hear any of that crapiology from the 1920s when people were passing syphilis around like it was cornbread. It is 2015. There is no excuse for you to not know how your body works. The Playboy Channel is not the way to learn. Your superhuman ability to sustain an erection for days is a cause for concern. Borrow an anatomy textbook from your local library and read it from beginning to end.

Fourth point. The law of reciprocity applies. Before you start inspecting manicures for length and sustainability, see your above list of flaws and pick them apart at home. Be thorough. At forty eight did you really ask her to gag on it? Alright, get an unpeeled banana and shove it down your throat to see what it feels like. Try something a bit more rigid and unyielding up your rectum. Jam it in. Ask someone to yank on your hair really hard and pull it out. Tell them to ignore your pleas to stop. Try waxing the hair off your legs. Pull hard through the pain. Don’t cry. I know you’re bleeding, but just go with it.

If you say you’ve enjoyed all that, you are lying. But that’s what you sound like when you talk to women about “passionate lovemaking.”

Shut up. Awkward silences help you to assess the way you feel in the space that you’ve created with each other. Your job is not to entertain a woman. She should know how to entertain herself. You’re simply enjoying her company and that’s all any woman should ask of you.

Good luck.

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

127 replies on “48, Single Men Only”

Thank you so much for the referral. I wrote it based on my disastrous experiences. It’s amazing how some nice guys mess up so badly because of things like spit and polish and you don’t want to dare going back there. Good luck and and warmest wishes, x SB

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You know what I think, I think men stop using their brains when it comes to dealing with women, most men I think are too influenced by the stupid stereotypes floating around in the media. If only they would give it a little thought. I mean its silly how they behave if they are romantically interested in you.

Anyway, this discussion could go on for a while, I should probably call it a night.

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I love when people get fired up by what I write. Why not write a long opinion on it, and I’ll post it as a response. I’m sure readers would appreciate it. Get it off your chest. Please, welcome to the place for that.

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I could write about how (most) men mess up the sex for their women by watching/learning from porn.

It’s gonna take some time, that article, till i get it all figured out in my head, but yes sure, i will post here.

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Just rant and stream of consciousness it. I’ll do the organising. It’s better when you don’t fix first. If you click on my Gravatar, you’re going to see my email address. Waiting with open arms, x

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Thank you for the suggestion that men try out some of the rough sex that they expect us to enjoy…. That was hilarious. And I really would sign up a couple of the guys I’ve known for that training course…

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Fifty-five and still alive. I am divorced, but it was completely amicable. We went out for lunch together after the proceedings. Anyway, I adore women. They absolutely fascinate me. I can listen to a lady talk for hours, all the while learning her hopes and dreams, what she likes and doesn’t like. If our time together is special and that leads to something further in the relationship, great. If it doesn’t well that’s okay too, because I know I gave her my best. Some folks are just incompatible.

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Thanks for your response, Dimdaze. I’m happy that you both get along and that you have lots of experience with knowing how to be with women. And listening is very important for discovering whether we are compatible with the people we like. We absolutely should do our best for each other in the moment and walk away when harmonious togetherness isn’t being offered. x

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This was funny in a way that I also thought wasn’t funny. Men should man up and find someone in an appropriate age range to date and marry. If marriage isn’t on the table that information should be on the table up front or she should cut it off if that’s what she wants. And ((His age divided by 2) + 7) should be her minimum age, or it’s just creepy. They used to call it cradle robbing, and in some cases it’s something worse. In the sack, since you went there, reciprocity-whatever reciprocity means- should be the standard if you really love each other. If it’s not reciprocated, it’s not love. Also, it’s not a contest. But, by God, mine is still the most beautiful one ever, so if it WERE a contest, I’ve won. Looking around though, there seem to be an abundance of beautiful women out there, it’s just that they shouldn’t have to settle for a complete idiot who has picked her to be his caregiver when he’s a senior citizen and she’s just reaching 35, or who only thinks of her as eye candy. What would you talk about with someone young enough to be your daughter? Your medications? If you don’t have anything to talk about, it’s not a relationship and it certainly won’t make a marriage. And, finally,

Ewwwwwwwww!

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This was an interesting comment because you said something I’ve heard from a college professor. I knew it was wrong for a man with a PhD in physics to say my wife must me half 40 (his age) plus 7. I was very surprised to see that this is a “thing”. Some men don’t worry about compatibility. They believe that women are puppets they can manipulate into worshipping them. Their faults and issues are completely irrelevant to the discussion. One 48 year old told me, which really turned me off at the moment, “I’m tweeeeeelve.” Ewwwwwwwwww. I’m glad you won the wonderful loving partner lottery. And thank you for telling beautiful women to cut that nonsense out. Men would not let themselves go and learn some social skills if we weren’t all so desperate. x

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The formula was first taught to me by the wise men of “The Man Show” that used to be on TV. My mom said a man should love his wife until (his) death (whatever might cause that) if that was what she required of him. Sounds a bit like she commanded that he worship her. And they’re still married. According to the formula, you’re right, if I were 50, she should be at least 25+7= 32. As I grow older, my (older than that) wife grows more beautiful with age, and I’m attracted to appropriately older women, which I take to be an indicator of my mental health. Younger than that and I think they look like kids (and they need to cover up.) If one is dating someone who is in the creepy range, I hope there’s enough interesting things to talk about to keep the relationship alive. Thanks for the complement and confirmation. I’d opine that all women are beautiful, but that’s only one old guy’s opinion. It’s just that I’ve never met one who wasn’t. They just don’t all *know* they are.

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Thank you for your comments. There are many views on what is age appropriate. I feel that if your mental ages match, then it’s all good, provided legal consent ages are reached. There is just too much selection available nowadays with women offering themselves up like pageant contestants for me with superficial values to pick over. Then they complain about being dumped by some punk. These men grow older and get less smart because they are given more and ever more options in a large pool of seekers. I am happy you are in a happy and prosperous relationship. I wish the same for my readers x

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Perhaps the way to raise better men (or men as opposed to boys) is to make them live as a woman–high heels, waxed everything, bras, etc. for an entire week. Revisit every time he screws up. Some of this is also the fault of mothers raising smug, narcissistic punks.

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Thanks, Dr. Linda. That’s exactly why I wrote that paragraph in there. Get the same harsh treatment you’re describing as “being loving.” I like your statement: “mothers raising smug, naricissistic punks.” I have witnessed the terrible result of that. x

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Thank you so much for reading, Dr. Linda. I’m so glad you found it funny. I knew women would like it, as it was written in our defense. As you know, when talking to men, I realise it’s best to go straight to the point. Have a great weekend.

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Loved this post! Thank you for putting things out there that way. I am an older man who preferred women 10-15 years younger, but I would not do the things you speak of. However, I also don’t get to go out often. LOL. Seems fair. I say just be honest and open and, if she doesn’t want to go, she is either too young or is not through her own identity crisis (or just doesn’t like me!). I passed this on to a FB group I am in. They will love it. Scott

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Scott, thank you for sharing my essay. That was really nice of you. I also prefer men at least 10 to 15 years older so I am not even caring about the age difference here. It’s the attitudes, lack of self awareness and the idea that it’s okay to just say and do whatever you like when there is a person right in front of you. I’m happy to have your input and I wish you best of luck. x

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Guess I’m going to end up alone, first I suffer from OCH (Obsessive Compulsive Hornyness) I smoke too much, I drink quite a bit. I´m some strange version of Charlie Sheen in two and a half men. But quite a few seem to like that. I do listen (which is giving me migraines), I ask the correct questions when need be, and I´m good in the….you know. Plus I’m funny in some strange way and at the same time lovable even though I screw up quite a bit of the time. I have always said I´m like fast food: Easy to get, taste good for a short period of time (meaning no long term relationships) and I´m easy to dispose off. Plus you know the saying, woman have to have their good share of bad apples until they find their great and loving forever (boring) apple tree. So I think I´m actually doing a service to humanity both female first and then males second. I’m a humanitarian now that I think of it.

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Hello Charly the Keyster, I do not think you’re one of these guys. First of all, you’re able to assess yourself. You are automatically disqualified from this rant’s pertinence to you. Am I wrong to say that you’re sensitive and compassionate? If you’re capable of seeing yourself in relation to others that makes you a good catch and I’m sure that at some point, you are going to meet someone who checks all of your boxes. It’s nice of you to let women have their way with you. That’s really sweet. Here’s to that.

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Amazing, that was an eye opener. I see your point though. I remember from one of my past AP he was with a 20 something girl before me and said he if could get her at his age (45), that mean he was invincible? Its strange though why older men continually seek out much younger girls to meet affirmation that they are somehow “better.” So I’m guessing it means they failed, if they can only get women in their own age range. Its even worst as you said when a 50 year old is acting like a 20 year old. One incident happened when was around 15 or 16, I was walking on the street minding my own business, going to a summer job and a much older man approached me. I think he was maybe late 40’s, early 50’s. He came up to me and said, “hey I haven’t seen you in awhile?” I was thinking who is he talking to and looked around me to see. Then he continued to talk to me. I was trying to be polite so I didn’t want to cut him off. Then he asked for my number and I wrote some fake number just so he would leave me alone. Then I quickly ran off for work. I’ve had some weird experiences.

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Always so entertained by your posts, SB! I’m coming up on 20 years of marriage on the 20th of this month, but I do relate to much of what you said prior to meeting my husband whom I adore. (Yes I am that lucky – but those secrets are for another post all together!) And your comments on Cee Lo were just hysterical to me! Once again – you just rock SB

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Thank you, NK. As always I’m happy to have your support. Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary. I’m of course very happy none of this relates to you at all. I hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the day. x

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I am a 53 year old married man, and I see so much truth in this that hurts. Although some of the pain is from laughing.

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The pesky 20s. That’s hormones and some low self esteem talking. I’ve always liked older men for that reason but have been shocked at the present pickings. All they need is to be grass fed. Be worried if they pass 27 like that.

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That is exactly what I understood, that you had seen this. I did not get the wrong impression. No worries. I GOYA on a regular basis. Thanks for reading again. x

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Absolutely spot on!!!!! Great post …I know I’ve heard it … “I want your passion, your love, all of you, do you like it when my penis has reached your stomach, that deep?” Lol. It gets so tiring ~ physically, emotionally, and verbally.

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It’s bad when they’re young and inexperienced, but after raising children you kind of expect a little bit more than the extreme over the top super hardcore SM fantasy fiction that they SWEAR they didn’t see in a porn film because they don’t watch POOOOOOOOOOOOORN. Like, you didn’t make that up. Pie Jesu.

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I know professional, smart, ‘nice’ men who act and speak like 14-year olds (being 14 in the seventies) whenever gender issues come up. I’m not sure much can be done, these habits are hard to break, but I’ve also seen how not only their environment shaped them, but also their mothers… Which puts some hope on coming generations, but also urges young women to be watchful and not let hubby and sons get away with that crap.

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Thanks for your comment. I specifically addressed this to the types I’ve had the misfortune of meeting. I mean, I wish this guide had come out of my fertile imagination. If only I had made this up. But as I’d said before, women put up with much to have a man in their lives and sadly, it means their children learn to act like that. I thank my lucky stars every day I am not raised in an industrialised country where men in their 50s think it’s perfectly normal for their mommies to launder their underwear. I mean I shouldn’t have let that sort of human breathe me.

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The immature behaviour is forgivable up to a certain age. I have met men in their late forties who behave like this. Too many in fact, and they put me off men completely. I’m not kidding. They were just too gross.

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Yeah, you know, but when they get older, softer and fluffier they have really high standards and the girl must be from the ten finalists in the Miss India pageant. Just make sure you meet the really perfect guy by the time you finish your master’s and then make sure he goes to the gym every day. xo

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p.s. I’m having a great time in Starbucks listening to the conversation of an expat. He’s sitting 20 feet away but he’s talking so loudly to his really air headed date, that his voice is going into my voice recorder app on my iPhone. I’m going to publish the conversation later.

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