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A Chat with Mr Ford (1 of 3)

Storm
I am sorry if you are offended by my remark. I was not using the term “gay” in a denigrating way.

Neil
Well, I am not offended by that. The thing is, the kind of woman I want to attract won’t pay attention to a man who is not metrosexual.

Marcus
I see. What kind of woman is that?

Neil
The kind of woman who would be impressed that I took a photo with Tom Ford, but would roll her eyes at one of me with Marc Jacobs.

Storm
Hmmm…

Marcus
What’s the difference?

Neil
Haute couture and high fashion. Exclusivity and accessibility. Marc Jacobs is very down to earth and friendly. Tom Ford is not relatable.

Marcus
I see, so you want to meet Tom Ford?

Neil
No, I want to be photographed talking to him. Not posing side by side. It’ll look like I asked him for the photo.

Storm
That’s all? Is there a magazine you wanted the photo for?

Neil
No… Well, can I get that?

Storm
Sure. We could arrange a thing or two, but he’s very sweet in person. I’m not sure how … he will make you look edgy.

Neil
It’s the aura he has, of being so aloof. If I’m seen in a photo with an aloof person, the women I want to attract will covet my attention.

Marcus
Why not just ask them out? The women you like.

Neil
Well, I do, but I keep getting turned down. I’m determined to not let my lifetime investment go to waste.

Storm
What kind of investment are we talking about?

Neil
Two hundred thousand dollars. I mean, I have put every cent I saved into this.

Marcus
I’m not trying to talk you out of going for what you want, but don’t you think that you’ll have financial problems if you’re constantly keeping up with this couture theme? You’re an attractive man, physically flawless, women must be all over you.

Neil
I can’t give up on this. I’ve spent too much money. I have invested too much time. I’ve endured too much hardship.

Storm
Alright. How about Lulu Bellini?

Neil
No. She’s not the type I’m going for.

Marcus
You’re similar in height and body type. She’s Karl’s muse and Tom lusts after her.

Neil
Yeah, but I want someone who is less acquired taste and more seasonal favourite, like a Bar Refaeli. She’s certain not to go out of fashion next season.

Marcus
Bar has gone out of season, as of when she was dumped by Leo. No one is buying her Chinese made panties. This is an age where beauty is all inclusive. It’s not dictated by the norms of the old guard.

Neil
I need this, though. My life plan has this particular condition attached.

Storm
Do you have a specific person in mind?

Neil
Yes, but she is not impressed by …

Marcus
You’re spending a lot of money here, and you’ve already put yourself out, as you said. I just want to know if this will be worth your while. We’re not obliged to be ethical, since I am a publicist, but I just want to point out that you might be chasing a rainbow. There is always a trade-off with these situations. Especially if you’re after the kind of person you’re after, as you say.

Neil
What trade-off?

Marcus
Have you carefully thought through the consequences of being this choosy?

Neil
What do you mean?

Marcus
You seem irritated. Do I sound judgmental?

Neil
Yes, and it’s annoying.

Storm
I can help you get a photo taken while chatting to Tom Ford, and I can talk to a friend at Bazaar and get that posted on their website. However, you need to wear one of his suits, and his fragrance, and you need to update your professional networking pages. You’ll need to stay in New York and wait for us to call you. It could be a four-month wait. We also need some credentials for you. People will be seeking you out when the photo gets published and they need something they can relate to.

Neil
I can do that.

Marcus
I apologise for offending you. Your preference is none of my concern. I would like to make up for the inconvenience to you, by doing this job for free. Our firm is equal opportunity, after all. We do not discriminate on the basis of our clients’ discriminating tastes.

Neil
Thank you. That’s all I ask.

Marcus
If you’re interested, we have a job opening for a stylist and I wonder if you’d like to be interviewed for that? No hard feelings.

Neil
I appreciate it. That’s very kind of you. May I have some lemon water, please?

Storm
Sure.

to be continued

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

21 replies on “A Chat with Mr Ford (1 of 3)”

An excellent satirical piece. I’m very, very impressed. You managed to capture the narcissistic, “what do they think of me?” image of the modern person perfectly (who is especially frequent in the type of dating scene / publicity scene that you described).

You also managed to weave in a number of other issues (e.g. gender orientation stereotyping) into this (admittedly short but) dense piece. Was it intentional? I personally really appreciate how your work often has several layers of meaning. Again, I don’t know if this is intentional, but even if it was a subconscious move, it is extremely impressive.

I especially loved the “paying for publicity” theme, which exemplifies modern-day desperation and materialism. It was appropriately pictured and the exclusivity vs approachability thing was woven in very well.

Your story really managed to portray a lot of modern problems, and yet it still is original and fresh.

Wonderful read, and can’t wait for the next instalment!

(I’m a bit new here so sorry for not commenting on any major plot details — I’m having trouble following all of your “to-be-continued” stories…)

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Sorry about that… I had this idea to create an index. Let me work on it later. If you let me know which ones you’re after, I’ll create an index page for you and contact you through your lovely satirical blog which I am in love with and can’t get enough of. That said, I worked very hard on this dialogue because I wanted all of the things you said in it and for it to be very short and readable and be entertaining. I figured not many readers would like it as it is not a happy ending story and is very much the sort of thing people deplore in others, right? And yet…. That’s why I put the “to be continued” because when you read the second part, called “Stay here and watch us roar” you’ll get why the end of this chat looked so comfortable. Marcus and Storm are evil strategists, who engineered a global hit for a popular artist and just a while ago helped stop a Martian invasion so bear that in mind. They’re not pushovers and this guy has not practiced GOYA so he’s really not aware of the looming factors … to be continued tomorrow and on April 2 (the final kick in the nuts) actually. Thanks so much for your comment. Love, SB.

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Thanks for the compliment and the index thing, but I think I’ll be able to figure it out on my own. I love you blog and can’t wait for the third instalment!

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I’m not sure about the publicists, as I made them up, but the client is a type of person, so yes, there are people like that, Groovy Guy. The story’s not finished yet. It’ll be clear on the third section what’s going on.

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Loved the post. I just had to look for you, having seen what you wrote on Jacqui be’s blog. I think I replied to something you had written earlier. Not knowing you at all yet, is this fiction? I’ll be back again. My eyes are closing and if I’m not careful I’ll fall sideways out of chair and land on the floor. ( that has nearly happened few other times, too, so I’ve learned to heed the warning!)

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Thanks Sonniq. JacquiB is a darling source of light. This is fiction and I am flattered you think it’s not made up. I’ve been writing dialogues through these characters since last year and I get the hang of them now. Rest well, and I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.

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