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women

Unmarried women

Nowadays, I don’t want to give advice to women friends when they come to me about their troubled relationships. I listen and ask questions. I ask them to answer their own questions. I do this because I don’t trust them.

In the middle of dinner, the phone rings. Everything they’ve said about him ten seconds before is incorrect.

I’m happy now. I can’t stop texting to put this spoonful of risotto in my mouth. He’s just liked my photo on Instagram. Oh, and I have to leave before dessert; he’s coming over to smoke and complain about the draft in my apartment.

They’re going to meet their crappy boyfriends. After a brief reunification ceremony, they tell their crappy boyfriends what I advised them to do. When things devolve again, my phone rings: “Let’s go out for lunch.” They want to cry on my shoulder. So, I say nothing.

Don’t shake your head. You’ve done this to your friends, too.

The post before this one, Forty, presents an actual conversation. Some parts of it were fictionalised. I asked “N” to speak loudly into her iPhone while I was teaching her to use Siri. I sat across the room and transcribed everything we all said. Two days later, she was doing somersaults in the same space, before dyeing her hair green. “He called me to say he loves me.”

Fix it, Jesus.

One woman, who was “over it” wrote on her blog, “Why am I even bothering with relationships at all? He won’t “lock me in” as his girlfriend”. I noticed the disempowering phrasing: “Lock me in” as if relationships were a form of confinement. I guessed that she was happy with her boyfriend, but I wrote to her anyway:

Men can act like shit but it’s only because they know you won’t leave them. He knows you want to be serious and it’s making him feel secure. That’s why he’s being unkind. I see from a recent post you have a boyfriend. I wonder if it’s the same one?

I was not surprised when she reported that it’s the same boyfriend and he is awesome now:

He’s done a complete 180. I told him he needed to modify his behaviour and act like he’s in a relationship or I would be leaving and he would end up a lonely old man.

So, why do women ask for support for their nightmare relationships when they know they’ll reverse themselves as soon as the situation settles?

I can’t deal with y’all.

When was the last time you showed your back to a man you really liked? When he’s spent all of three minutes being there for you, you could say, “Go home, I am going to do something else.” You think he won’t come back, so you endure the small injuries to your dignity.

This attitude is driving women bonkers: “I will be a fakey-fakey nice girl, and tolerate bull or he won’t propose to me”. Acting fake to keep him interested is what self help books advise you to do. But when he finally proposes, you don’t realise he means to live happily with your avatar.

One fakey-fakey friend told me a week after her dream wedding she didn’t like anything about her husband. I realised that she was pretending to be in love the entire relationship. I will never forget the day we sat down over a lunch of lamb brisket and she asked me what next steps to take because she neeeeeds him. I said, get married. They did, five months later.

I feel that a lot of women suffer because it is stressful to keep up a facade. I wonder if a therapist would prescribe medication for women to get through the fakery? But is it medication we need or might it not be compassion for ourselves and for other women? Every time we pretend to be okay with his annoying habits, we nurture another grass fed nincompoop.

A man bragged to me that he’d written a comment on his law professor’s blog, who then used his first name in response. I said, “You’re a grown man. Why are you happy about being patted on the head like a small child? Instead of writing comments on your professor’s blog, consider writing a book of your own.”

Your boyfriend might not want to write a book, but without being rude, show him where he needs to set a high standard for himself as a person. If he doesn’t make the effort and you don’t like what is in front of you, let go.

 

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

83 replies on “Unmarried women”

I like your spunk! It’s almost like telling all those friends of yours on their faces, instead of telling all of them one by one…and a great strategy to rule out any further conversation of such kinds. Let’s just hope they read it and have benefited from your honest words and understand that you only want their best. Look forward to read more posts from you 🙂

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Thank you very much. I have told them to their faces but sadly not everyone is capable of follow through. It is amazing how people can they get what you mean but never seem to follow through.

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I stuff my face with the spaghetti my husband just made and think about how many times….even recently…that I have sat and wasted my time with people…knowing that they just want to hear what they THINK you should say to them rather than what they NEED to hear.
Great post!

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Thank you so much. I want these unmarried women to know they can have a husband who cooks. They choose to act like handmaidens and complain when they are treated like employees. “Feed my ego” “run my bath” “you’re fired”. I appreciate your support.

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Y do u do this bro!u just keep posting things i keep showing other ppl to read and oh goddamn me i keep doing the same and feeling the same about my ‘girlies’…u know in love…yeah in love amazing right!!!!!!!

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I was thinking if doing a heart shaped word search puzzle with key words from your poem. I’ll add lots of colours and circle the words so it looks “done”. For starters.

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Thanks Zoya, you’re right that I was making a reference to the film Gone Girl, which I critiqued from a personal perspective on Boxing Day last year. Thanks for the quote, too. It really stood out in my mind as a backhanded criticism of men and their unrealistic expectations of women. Another commenter wrote that certain types of men have been coddled too much by past girlfriends so any future relationship is torture for the new woman. I appreciate your reading and joining the discussion. SB

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SB, you are the hub. May I join the campfire without wrecking the circle? In 1993, I got married. I was 36. My husband didn’t love me, and I knew it. My mother adored him, because he was a.) blonde., b.) white collar; c.) his parents went to Camp O’ the Woods, and d.) he was truly kind and attentive toward her. The night before my wedding, I stayed up till 2am crying my eyes out with my BFForever, Lisa. Mum had made all the gowns, the fresh flowers I selected were due first thing in the morning, Aunt Margie had made a two foot liver pate carp with paper thin cucumber scales for the h’oer doerves, and all the groom’s relatives had flown in from California. I prayed. I told God that, if this marriage was truly ordained, He[God] would sustain it; conversely, if it wasn’t, would God, please, take care of it?

Apparently, God did. Two years later, Mum died of brain cancer, and my husband left. One piece of paper filed in the state of Indiana, 100 bucks, sign on the line, relinquish the Oneida and the PC/keep the printer, and done. Feelings? Null. Void. Mum was dead. Who cared?

In the years prior to and since that wedding, I played that whiner. And, I was hideous. Wenhhhhh……should he stay or should I go? Was anybody listening? It’s a wonder I have any girlfriends left. Oh. Wait.

Here’s what. As soon as we find someone we care about, seems we get stuck on this notion of Staying. Why?
What is Staying, really? Stay where? In the house? In the bed? In the room? What? Stasis. The acute absence of growth.
Symbiosis. Two living beings coexisting in mutual agreement. Is that what we want? If we stay, that’s pretty much what we’ll get. Stasis. Or, symbiosis. They’re natural laws.

Stop spending so much energy deconstructing. First, just come. Come as often as you like, whatever, aftershocks, cry a little, get dressed. But, after you come, Go. Go, joyously, exuberantly, spurred by the experience of being together, as far and as long as you like. Then, Return. Return to that which brought you in the first place. You might find that you both want to. How easy does that sound?

Love, the force that draws us, repeatedly, irresistibly, magnetically. But, it’s kind of a circular thing, and we should just submit to its movement. Not like hamsters in a wheel, repetitively, endlessly, to dissolution. I mean, ever forward, so that we never end up where we started. No; far beyond that place. Letting the circle take us, until we become it. I think somebody else said something like this a long time ago. You’ll pardon my reconstitution.

There’s a lot being said about space – making some, needing some. But, maybe space is just a place in the whole movement through the relationship. Maybe it’s in the center of the circle. And, maybe, if we come, and go, and return, there’ll be plenty of space provided for us. We won’t even have to ask.

I am now old. Finally. Irrefutably. Not degeneratively. Not decrepit. Not shriveled. Just of age. I’ve reached the finishing stage, and with very great relief. No longer interested in asking for, or offering, any kind of promise to stay that interrupts growth. Because, yes; even old people can grow, and love had better.

Our SB is a wise woman, and the reason we all entered this fray. Thank you for even scanning this little contribution. Here’s to our girl, our precious and precocious perceiver. SB, thank you for your continuous insights, so effortlessly offered. You had us at the first brush stroke and you keep us coming back, for more. Love to all, littlebarefeetblog.com

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Ruth Ann, thank you so much for sharing your personal insight. I do understand that as a friend I have to be there no matter what. And your situation I think is not unique in that a lot of women just fear judgement and criticism for letting go a good think. It’s bad enough that we are told that the wedding is the reward for all our hard work and that we should do it for all the women who can’t have one for various reasons. Why stay when you can go and if you did not want to be there you did the right thing and let each other go. I made it sound simple, and you’re correct. It’s very hard to do once you’re committed. That’s why I am asking readers right now to know what they want and carefully examine the situation and its shortcomings. Relationships aren’t for everyone and neither is marriage. The point is: we should know what we want and own the consequences. Thank you so much for your support. Be blessed, SB.

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This turned into a monster essay thing. I moved it into my own blog. It’s too much space occupying mess for the comment thread. You can { I really mean this } move it out of here; there’s no option for the commenter to delete! (!!!)

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Your lovely comment is staying right here. I don’t want anyone to think I have limits on thoughtful expression over here. I want everyone to feel welcome to post as much of their thoughts as they like. Thank you so much for writing it. Warmest of hugs, SB.

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“the wedding is the reward for all our hard work and that we should do it for all the women who can’t have one” — you. That is perfect. In my case, I think my wedding was the reward for my mother, which I did not hesitate to give her, for her endless hard work. Had it not been FOR her, I would have cancelled the ceremony and probably never ultimately married [him]. (he’s a really sweet man, by the way. truly.)

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I’m sure he is, but sometimes being a lovely person is not the only thing that’s necessary to hold people together. I’ve learned that, too. I’m also sure your mother appreciated the sacrifice. I hope you’re finding happiness just the way you want it.

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One thing to consider is the level of commitment at the time she lets him “look at it.” Nothing is ever always but naked before intimate many times stalls the process at that point. If she “got” him with her boobs and ego stroking and giggles then that was the contract. If he is a stupid person to begin with don’t be mad that having sex with him and acting as though he is brilliant did not change him. Many times a guy on some level is seeking the best and easiest pathway to sex and attention and feeling manly.

There are deeper spiritual motivations but especially for younger ones it is unconscious. I would guess there are similar motivations for the ladies. So he is not necessarily a pig if he can get what he thinks he wants without deeper commitment. He negotiated in his own interest. It is a little disingenuous to make one deal then be upset with the terms.

I think she may want to consider what it is she really wants and how smiling at something that bothers her is a lie. While she may like to think she is being kind and gracious it is more than likely fear based. Fear of loneliness or whatever has her trapped and in bondage. If she is getting spanked why is she remaining there complaining? On some level that is the deal she has made. Large important deals take months and years to negotiate before a bargain is struck. Clarity is a must. Due diligence! If she is looking for a Lamborghini she needs to remember that they don’t sell them at Wal-Mart. Buyer beware. They make kits of Lamborghinis look like Volkswagens.

The body and its trappings do not make the vehicle. If she don’t take time to look under the hood there is a reason. That is an issue in herself she is trying to work out by fixing a man especially if it is a reoccurring pattern. More than likely she is attracting and is interested in the same kind of men who are her equal. Very similar as your insightful S/M essay. Be Groovy!

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Thank you so much for this, Groovy Guy! So many good points. First of all, what’s the deal they went into. One woman said it can’t be helped sleeping with a guy early in the situation. This same woman complained that her boyfriend was selfish for taking his wife and children to Thailand for Xmas break and sent her regular updates on social media. I have made the mistake of assuming that these women love themselves a lot. That is the correct word; disingenuous. Selling peace of mind and self respect for a kiss and a hug. It is true that I do rant about similar themes, and it’s because these things are part of my daily experience. I wrote this essay a few months ago because I got really ill at the end of the year when my immune system couldn’t manage all the stress of absorbing these women’s neverending nightmare stories. I literally felt sick to my stomach knowing that they’d put up with so much abuse. Now, your last statement explains the situation, and I didn’t see it before but it is true that they are attracted to and are interested in men that are their equal. I see it now; I’m comparing lemons to strawberries. As usual, your perspective as a man really does help with clarity. Warm hugs, SB.

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The deal it think would be the brute facts that existed at the point of the merger. Not intentions or promises but what actually was. I don’t think she really would want a guy who would choose her over his children. No judgement about their relationship. If he is a good father that was probably attractive to her. But I am saying much without knowing the situation.

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Thanks, Groovy Guy. One of my readers, Ruth Ann, asked a question after reading your comment. Would you be good enough to respond to it? It should appear in your reader below this comment. Thanks.

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I am happy to. Right now though my grown boys are home with the new wife and a first time girlfriend vist with the other. Frying fish Louisiana style. 🙂

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Groovy, have you historically dispensed with a woman who lets you under the hood and then retreats of her own volition? I’m interested to know. I have a theory. It’s in an attempt to post a response in this thread, which ended up on my own blog. Thank you!

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Hey. I have not historically been one to have had much recreational sex. When I was younger I used to envy people who at least claimed to be able to. I still think despite what is claimed something of the soul is shared and/or exposed and maybe even lost in a casual sexual exchange. If I understand your question I would take that (her dispensing with me) as an insult and as manipulation. Why did she retreat? Was it a game? Was she afraid? Was she just horney? Women can use men as easily and and much as men can use women. I think women at times are smarter or at least think about what they are doing more. I would not trust a woman who did that with me. I would not pursue her. It may have been different when I was younger but I don’t have any interest in games or a lady who plays them. If one said that she went to far and needed to back up a bit for whatever reason I could respect. Being drunk is not a good reason. That is a conscious act. At points like that is where consciousness and intimacy can develop or at least the real contract can be negotiated.

I have no judgement for what anyone else may do. I think people though get themselves in hurtful situations when they send mixed messages for whatever reason. If a lady is looking for sex that is fine and most know how to find it. But if they are looking for a relationship then cover up your boobs and don’t let random people buy you drinks if you are out. I don’t understand some women complaining that men are staring at their chests and not looking at their eyes when they chose the blouse that advertises their breasts.

And don’t try to change or help a man change if you are a woman. That is presumptuous to think you can. A woman cannot help him be a man. What experience does she have at being one. Only a more mature man can do that. He is not your child or your project. Similarly a woman will only become mature with the help of women. I think part of the problem is men seeking completion in women and vice versa. I think we can help and support and love and play and comfort and inspire and learn from each other. Other than that I think the patterns are similar to the dominace / submission that our friend wrote about in an earlier post. I think in the end there are fear based games, hiding and mutual manipulation or there is an effort toward being authentic.

After all this I sure hope I rightly understood your question. 🙂

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Thanks so much for writing this thoughtful reply, Groovy Guy. I learned a lot from it: we can’t help men be men. It is presumptuous. I will stick that sentence in my visual cortex because it’s easier to remember that way. I am sure that when RAS wakes up she’ll be thrilled to read your response. I really need some fried fish right now… I hope you guys had a great time. Stay blessed and enjoy the rest of your weekend, SB.

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Thank you sugar. (No offence its how I talk to people in my loop). If a lady is dealing with a guy she is trying to change then she has one chosen a man she considers immature and two put herself in the position of the mother. Then many times complains that he responds to her like a boy. And all the while her focus on him helps her avoid her own issues. Then he goes and has an affair with some other woman who treats him like the first one did in order to “catch” him in the first place. If she wants a different kind of man she must focus on first becoming a different kind of woman. Same thing with a man. His focus needs to be on his own soul not looking for a woman to take responsibility for it.

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Great advice, and thank you so much. It’s definitely best digested on the weekend so I can go into Monday righting (writing?) all my wrongs. A different kind of woman..,. piece of cake. I hope my women readers will see this because too often we are just talking amongst ourselves and don’t get wisdom from a man. It’s so easy to blame all men in general and not include them in the discussion. I’m glad to have your insights. Rest up and see you soon.

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If I know anything it is due to the difficulty caused by my profound ignorance. 🙂 all of this is much easier to discuss intellectually than to manifest. Blessings

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They have the best father ever! Seriously, you’re absolutely brilliant. Your take on S/M is getting lots of love by the way. Fantastic to have you over here, getting muddy.

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Ah. My mother used to warn me that people wouldn’t “get” my point. My language was misleading. By retreating, I did not mean to imply recreational sex had preceeded the movement. I, too, have never been either an advocate of recreational sex nor casual sex nor any form of sex as described. What I meant to address was a behavior that made some form of physical expression and then backed away to allow space for some psychic “digestion.” Namely, the opposite of clinging, if you will? Let’s face it, any exposing of the self on that level is a huge risk on either side of the equation, a risk that the other party will disappear or use the act as a weapon. The “going” I recommend in my peace is a mutual thing, an agreement, physical separation of a length that enables first a celebration of the ensuing vigor, followed by contemplation, followed by the return. It’s kind of intricate, and certainly meant to oppose any callous usury or manipulation. This comment template doesn’t offer the option of a re read or an edit, something I depend on heavily when I write (!) so, when I send this would you kindly give me a minute or two to be sure I said what I intended to convey? Thanks, PG!

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(okay. Yeah. That’s what I meant to say.) (and, really. Thanks for your offering. I’m with our SB on this: best to learn from a man about men.) I have always lived in a brother sandwich (one older, one younger), the younger growing up very close both in age and proximity with me. He’s been very disclosing with me about his reactions to women, always having been a beautiful, strong, and noble man who could have had his choice from among all women. However, he married one woman, his one and only, and his perspective can’t be applied to men in general when it comes to relationship histories or ultimate realities across the board. So, yes; it’s nice to hear from a seasoned man like you, willing to open up his mind and heart on behalf of earnest women who want, and need, to know.

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Do we think Plato will read the replies I posted? I’m guessing other posters might not get notices of further commentary in a thread other than their own. It’s not vital, but I’m kind of concerned that he and other men get that I am not advocating casual or usury sex. Good Gourd! Perhaps men have a more clear cut approach to the act – either borne of realized love and devotion, or the other thing.

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I think that would be how to do it! 🙂 At each point the conversation coud lead to deeper connection or a realiazation that its not the thing to pursue. I think talking about the experiences can make the experiences much more exciting, hot even, if it is pursued. Much better than being tied up :). I like talking about such things. So much more meaningful than being “swept away” on an impulse. Nuances of a person are the thing that makes them “hot” to me anyway. Such a process would rule out fixing or people who are interested in something more mature. Thank you for letting me play.

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Love this insight! I personally use this quote for others and myself: “If you’re going to stay, shut up.” (Sounds better in Spanish haha) My mother had always told me, “If you’re not going to leave them, it’s better to remain quiet. For to talk shit and Stay in the end only makes you look like an idiot.” Never have there been truer words. Although people, well, friends should be allowed to vent, if there’s a pattern of shit talking, but staying in the same circle, this is where I insert that lovely quote. 😊 Thank you for sharing! People should definitely not only have respect for others, but mostly themselves.

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Hello Rose, it’s so lovely to hear from you. Thanks so much for the quotes. I’m sure readers will appreciate them. I show up every single time for my friends because everyone should have someone they can rely on but it’s the backstabbing that’s bothering me. It works both ways. They do it to their partners and then to me. Your mother is a wise woman and has something to teach us women about respecting our partners.

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You can often judge a person’s character by the way they speak about others. This is what I look out for when choosing friends.

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Thank you so much for reading, Imposter Pawn. The fakeness is a temporary fix, but these men are thrown back into the dating pool and wonder why mature women won’t just fold flat like paper bags.

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I know faking only serves in making them weaker as individuals for the next girl, and there isn’t a more annoying creature than that of a delicate man whose feelings one has to tiptoe around. Real men can handle the truth, and its a training women should pioneer so that even if he doesn’t make a great guy for you he may be able to be that guy for another person. Pay it forward.

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Thank you, exactly what I mean by being compassionate to the man. Everyone benefits from being a strong person. These men like to talk about being respected, when what they want is to be feared or coddled. They are miserable beings because just about everything gets to them. Everyone can benefit from having a durable outer shell. Thanks again for your insight and your support.

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