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Earth Mars

Not Safe For Work (Warning! Explicit language)

Lilibeth
Penelope Slutfest Hannish, OPP, BDSM, BJ, HJ… Where is she? You are not a cow on a farm in the English countryside, so why are you mating with all the bulls?

Peas
I beg your pardon! How did you access this network?

Lilibeth
Where is the boy? Don’t worry about resetting your system. An army of tech mercenaries owns your network. I told them of the rich data mining opportunities on your servers and you have their undivided attention. Because I’m kind, you will get three minutes to tell me where you’re keeping the little Martian boy, or they will turn off the power and jam open your outer doors. I will watch with pleasure as you and your tag team freeze to death in that …

Peas
You do not know what you’re talking …

Lilibeth
I read your blog. According to this post, a mystery team rescued an extraterrestrial from a crashed ship and has him sedated and stashed somewhere ready for transport. According to these juicy emails, the “cargo” is stuck there until the end of October, when a crew from JAXA and ESA will come for him. My team traced the breadcrumbs you left on Mob Gnarley’s website back to you at these coordinates. You accessed your account and updated a post two minutes ago. We know that because we have been watching your every move for the past two hours. And let me say, you English hootchies are freaky.

Peas
The blog is fiction.

Lilibeth
I do not believe that. Gnarley plagiarised you for his radio show and as he is trending on Twitter right now, it’s only a matter of time before your bosses catch on that you’ve been telling tales out of school. But that’s only the start of your problems.

Peas
This is ridiculous. I have nothi…

Lilibeth
Sit down! You’re a mechanical engineer, which means you don’t have the imagination for storytelling. However, your attention to technical detail makes you give great head. I need to set up playdates to get laid in Manhattan and you’re getting tag teamed in a cave in Antarctica by men who have families? Is slutfesting part of your contract? And don’t tell me you’ve used protection. I’ve seen you.

Peas
You’re going to kill me over some nonsense I wrote on a secret blog to pass the time? Or because you envy my content rich sex life?

Lilibeth
Call my bluff, you establishmentarian, government goon, triple penetration, ass cream guzzling, whorebag slut!

Peas
Look, I can be in a lot of trouble just for even talking to you. I signed confidentiality contracts.

St Lucas
Do you recognise me?

Peas
What…?

St Lucas
A Martian boy is lost here on this planet and his father is right now in orbit, waiting for me to tell them where to pick him up. It took him a year to get here. You better hope he’s alive.

Peas
I can’t help you. I don’t have any authority.

Lilibeth
You know where he is. The fuck with your job. Where is your humanity?

Peas
This is not my fight.

Lilibeth
You’re willing to precipitate a Martian invasion because you’re too up yourself to see the big picture.

St Lucas
All you need to do, to make this all go away, is point me and them in the right direction.

Lilibeth
Tell you what. Let me give the go ahead and open the doors. Split screen… It is negative thirty Celsius outside at the moment. Bitch, you see that? That is your five hundred thousand dollar, state of the art, icebreaker, slash snow plough, slash snow blower…it’s full of fuel and is now reversing at full speed towards your door. Wait for it… Wait for it…

 

Peas
Shit!!

Lilibeth
She scores! Let your bukkake boyfriends pick that up. I’ve just… sent a message with your exact coordinates to his father and his grey warriors. They’re something fierce and the third. And they are coming to have a talk with you. The door is wide open, so they’ll walk right in and terminate your funk ass.

Peas
What the… Oh my … my … arrrrr…. head feels weird… Urrr… Ruuuu….

IMG 2

Lilibeth
Siemus, can you see that metallic stuff sticking to the walls? I think they’re there already. That was fast.

Siemus
They might have already been in the area. Why’s she suspended in mid air? And her eyes are moving really fast, like a skipped CD or something.

Lilibeth
It’s the metal in her suit. I’m guessing they’re focusing a really strong laser or magnet on her coordinates. If her rapid eye movement is anything to go by, they are using something like a eleventh generation FMRI to search her visual cortex.

Siemus
You think they can physically retrieve information on his whereabouts, from her brain?

St Lucas
You can stop feeling guilty about your talent, Lilibeth. I think your tech is generations more advanced that what the Martians are using.

Lilibeth
That’s a scary thought. For my sex life. I need to make a call to finalise the last leg of this trip. I want to collect some trophies…ah, I meant…to do a thorough cleanup before the JAXA and ESA assholes get there.

TCMIV
Right.

Lilibeth
Siemus, stay on the bitch. What am I saying? Her brain’s magnetically fried forever, so she’s not going anywhere. I meant, signal me as soon as you have on screen confirmation of their arrival.

~-~

+**~

Images

  1. Halley VI: The World’s First Modular Research Station in Antarctica. Hugh Broughton Architects.
  2. Davis after a blizzard. Snow covering the exterior wall of the Living Quarters. Courtesy, Antarctica, Australia Government. May 30, 2014.
  3. Snow vehicles for Antarctic Observation via Ohara Corp Japan.
  4. Reconstructed images from FMRI brain scan of the visual cortex, from research by Shinji Nishimoto, University of California, Berkeley

 

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

4 replies on “Not Safe For Work (Warning! Explicit language)”

Wow. This is great. I don’t have time to read stuff on wordpress so much but your dialogue is really good. You sure ca deliver a good expletive too. What appealed to me first was the photos remind me of one of my favorite movies, “The Thing” and the whole exploding at work really appeals to me.

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Thanks so much for this. I toned down the expletives actually, and this was the conservative version. I wanted to be authentic. I don’t think that people have to be clean of tongue to do their jobs well. This was the point I was trying to illustrate. I’m glad you appreciate the story and took the time to read it. SB

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