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Earth fiction

The Premiere

ABC
Let’s get you dusted down here. Liz, get me a fluffy mic cover?

AP
We don’t need him yet.

Getty
Mr. Shultz, we’ll need you to wait here for another three minutes.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
What about me? I’m in the movie, too.

Shultz
They’re under a lot of pressure. I’ll say something to the producers later.

Elle
You don’t have to go to the trouble.

Shultz
It’s okay. I’m happy to do it.

Getty
Could you guys get a bit tighter? To the right of the poster, please? Mr. Shultz, put your arm around her waist.

Shultz
Alright.

Elle
Wow. That was nice.

Shultz
You’re welcome.

AP
No smiles, please. Look straight ahead. Now just talk casually. Thank you.

Elle
It’s okay, you don’t have to move your hand.

Shultz
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.

Elle
It’s okay, I’m very comfortable.

Shultz
Do you have everything?

Getty
Just wait for the press bank, please. They’ll want you next.

ABC
Standing by for live feed. Tony?

Elle
I’m staying at the Marriott. I’ve got a suite courtesy of mutual friends.

Shultz
Mutual friends?

Elle
Quentin, of course.

ABC
I’m sorry, could you stand over to this side? The tree’s not playing well.

Shultz
Sure.

Elle
I mean, you could swing by. I’m in one of the executive suites. I think it’s five seven seven.

ABC
Tony? It’s going alright. We’re waiting for commercials to end. Two minutes.

Shultz
Yolanda, could you call my wife?

Assist
Right away.

Shultz
Tell her I’m on my way home right after this interview. Ask her if she wants to stay in or go out. Set it up.

Assist
Will do.

Elle
Has Cassandra seen the film as yet? The Internet’s been talking about our steamy love scene.

Shultz
I think Quentin cut it. Didn’t you hear? He said he didn’t like it. It was gratuitous.

Elle
What?! It’s a shame Quentin’s such a prude. I’m sure you can use your influence to have the editors dig it up and leak it online. Our fans deserve to see it, don’t you think?

St Lucas
Shultz, how are you?

Shultz
Sweet Jesus! You scared the crap out of me.

St Lucas
Hello, I’m …

Elle
I know who you are. You’re setting the world on fire. Nice work.

St Lucas
Thank you…

ABC
Forty seconds.

Shultz
I have an on-air interview. Now.

St Lucas
Can you make some time for me? There’s a thing…Just came up out of the blue. Thought you might be interested. It’s a humanitarian effort, a throwback to your “Batman” days. It needs someone with a sizeable codpiece.

Shultz
I’m never going to live that down. I’m leaving right after the interview, perhaps we can catch up later?

ABC
Fifteen seconds.

St Lucas
Why don’t I just ride out with you?

Shultz
Sure. I’d love you to meet my wife. Hang out, right over there!

ABC
And we’re live in five, four, three, two, one.

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.