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50 ways to eat …

Lilibeth
Coq au vin…costs fifty dollars per plate on my private jet. Let’s stop pretending it’s not really prefabricated 3D printed carbs and petroleum jelly packed with salt and sugar… And… the porcelain pricks overcharged me for fuel … again. My first honest job, where I have to actually work. I agree to do it for free. And it’s costing me a fortune.

Siemus
Karma, Ma’am. It’s a bitch.

Lilibeth
Alright. On our way over, I’ve read every post on this guy’s blog and listened to his podcasts. There is too much confirmable data, according to our tech team of one, Jodie.

Jodie
Timelines, transport logs and press releases from independent sources match up exactly.

Lilibeth
Luckily, his listeners are toothless sharks and that may be why he’s still in there.

Jodie
However, his Twitter feed’s now picking up a lot of followers, because of his helpful hashtags and the information war we instigated, thanks to some of my friends in Hong Kong.

Lilibeth
… and don’t forget the gold rush that Planet Xenu engineered with his PR people in New York. That is why we need to question him before the real sharks notice he might be ground zero. Is everyone understanding the situation? Good. Bring the truncheon, kids. Knock that door down. I want a grand entrance.

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Mob
What the…?

Lilibeth
Give this to me. Shut that off.

Mob
You can’t do that. I’m live on the air!

Lilibeth
Oops. Tell me….Mr Mob Gnarley….when was the last time you got …. wood? Hmmm?

Mob
Are you law enforcement? I must see your credentials.

Lilibeth
Sure. Let me scootch up a little higher. Uhhh… Right … there. My “credentials” are hot pink, by the way.

Mob
This is … harrassment … assault.

Lilibeth
You’re wrong. It’s torture… for me.

Mob
Who are you?

Lilibeth
Where exactly in the United States is the Government holding alien technology, slash aliens, slash, whatever?

Mob
I don’t know.

Lilibeth
You have a radio show, a podcast and five hundred subscribers. Don’t tell me that.

Mob
I literally don’t … It’s a gimmick.

Lilibeth
Hang on a sec… You like? This, my Gnarley friend, is a custom made Rimfire. It is called the LMX Queen Máxima. That’s a rose gold plated grip and these stones embedded in the barrel are tanzanite and morganite and … this long, pointy thing? Is … a … silencer.

Mob
Please!

Lilibeth
I’m going to put it over here. Because a guy like you, I only need to dry hump you until you tell me what I want to know.

Mob
Haaa, okay. Alright. This woman has a blog about reverse engineering projects using extraterrestrial technology. I read her posts and use them as scripts for my show. With a few editorial flourishes here and there.

Lilibeth
She doesn’t mind that you’re plagiarising?

Mob
Well, I … No. She doesn’t have any followers. Well, one… me. I felt sorry for her, you know, so I threw her a bone. Technically, I reblog from her blog.

Lilibeth
Technically, you’re a douche. Where’s this crazy bitch from? What is her name and where does she live?

Mob
I don’t know. Ahhh. Actually, ohhh, that feels nice….Owww!

Lilibeth
Stop deflecting, or I’ll slap you again.

Mob
I don’t know her. She uses an alias. If you let me grab my laptop, ohhh, okay, my phone. I’ve bookmarked it.

Lilibeth
Thank you.

M2M
Gnarles, what’s with the noise? I’m trying to… Wow! Nice dress. Are you going to the premiere?

Lilibeth
Yes.

M2M
Can I go with? I can pretend to be your assistant. I’m literally thirty seconds away from changing into something decent.

Lilibeth
Young lady, I’m a bounty hunter and not a professional carpet walker. This getup is a disguise and don’t get it twisted.

M2M
Well, what are you looking for?

Lilibeth
Martian boy.

M2M
Like, for the interactive game? People are really taking this seriously. It’s just a movie. And you look rich, like, you don’t need the money.

Lilibeth
I meant, like, for reality. Your boyfriend…

M2M
Cousin.

Lilibeth
Right. What was I thinking… He broadcasts this conspiracy theory nonsense on his show and it happens to be true.

M2M
Well, what if I said I used to be a software engineer at IBM and Cisco Systems? I built software for two orbiting satellites and was one of two hundred engineers who designed the software for the Mars probes. I quit because no sun for three years straight was a bit much. Nowadays, I let people pay me to hack their networks, you know, to spy on their wives and husbands.

Lilibeth
Sold! You will join Jodie, my tech team of one. Siemus? Find a place for Mission to Mars in the convoy. If she can’t fit on a back seat, put her in the trunk.

Siemus
Ma’am.

M2M
Oh my God! Thank you so much. Can I go with you on the red carpet?

Lilibeth
No.

Mob
Where are you going? Traitor! Hey, give me my phone!

Lilibeth
I’m keeping this. For research purposes, of course. And of course, I won’t return it.

Mob
Wait… What about my front door?

Lilibeth
See ya!

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

14 replies on “50 ways to eat …”

Wow! What a ride. So glad I found you. Thank you 100 x over for supporting my work. I’m flattered you even took the time. You are so talented and have oodles of grunt in your craft. I’m all in 😉

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Thank you, sweetheart. It means a lot to me to have that said. My hands are clasped in thanks. From one Buddhist (15 years and counting) to another, with xoxo SB.

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A very nice comedy piece. This would make a great television show. The characters within this piece each stand out in their own way. Their personalities are unique. Overall, a captivating piece. Some nice work here.

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Thank you so much for this compliment. There was a strong visual element behind writing each scene in the story, and I’m happy that you’ve pointed this out. I am also very happy you enjoyed reading it.

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