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The majority of subscribers to this blog are men, so I write under a heavy cloud because I’m not actually talking about them. I’m talking about the types of men that women subscribers are talking about. So, you lovely gentlemen can relax.

I’ve been reading a lot of reflections and conversations around subscribers’ blogs and I realise that many women are on the same page. Instead of being mean spirited or competitive with each other over who can get the best boys, women who have certain relationship issues in common need to participate in more conversations with each other.

You know how you get, when you’re in a relationship and he’s your boyfriend and he’s your prized possession and you have that smug expression on your face? “Poor single women. They’re so sad and they have no sex lives.” They’re camels. I read that last comment somewhere on WordPress. How rude, as if sex were a “must do.” Asexuality is an orientation, too. And so is choice.

What I’m seeing on blogs is the backside of the promised reality. At the reverse of smug, self satisfied expressions, I see that women have been feeding and caring for some lunkheads. Our continued attention to certain personality types has encouraged these men to feel that choosing to be in a relationship with us is the best thing they could ever do to validate us as women. It is within their power to recognise us as desirable creatures. Our infinite patience with their indifference, emotional incontinence and wishy washiness has turned those types of men into rotten little beans.

I still can’t understand dating as a concept. Let me blame it on how I was raised. I’ve always related to men as people and not as a potential someone or other.

My ideal partner would be a culinary artist who is obsessed with making ceramic pots and works as a carpenter in his free time. Or, a surgeon who’s looking into patients’ insides all day and has lectures at mid week and asks me to read his papers before publishing them. Busy with his hands or mind, having real responsibilities. Zero time to muck about. Too tired to wreak havoc in my life.

When I landed on my planet, expatriate women didn’t even have conversations with men. They just had intercourse with any man that looked at them sideways. The expectation was, “I like you and I’m easy, so let’s have sex.” It was a bacchanal. Two expatriates (man and woman) are right now sitting about eight feet away from me. They are talking loudly about “sleeping with people” and awarding points. They must be miserable if they have to talk at that volume in a Starbucks with small children nearby. No decorum. Nothing has changed.

I was scolded by expatriate male colleagues who told me I’m confusing the two things: Sex and love. I’m not confused. You are living with your girlfriend so why are you asking to visit my apartment?

Those free and easy women are now having issues with the men they spoiled. These men are educated, articulate, wealthy and up to ten years older. They’ve never grown up because relationships were never something to work at. A girlfriend was a sex partner with whom he shared a home and a joint bank account. A wife was a long term sex partner, now platonic friend, cook and sock washer that he owed something for her waity perseverance. That something? The Ring.

These words are going to be hard to read, but a ring is not a prize. It’s an accessory. I want women to stop acting like the Ring is the best thing that is ever going to happen to us. We must stop giving control over our circumstances to the promise of the Ring.

I received my first Ring when I was twenty two. I immediately assessed its weight in carats. Didn’t like. I promptly handed it back but took it back again half a second later when I realized that I was going to hurt his feelings. It was a ring after all. Behind my refusal was a very insensitive statement he’d made before we became exclusive. He had hinted that he was planning to live in Europe and therefore the high point would be sleeping with European women. He apologised for that gaffe near proposal time, but I knew it was damage control. When he got on the plane, I handed the ring to my sister. She lost it at a party or gave it to a friend or something.

Then, a month later he said I should not feel stresses or strains or have personal problems because imagine I’m engaged and he’s calling from Europa every morning before my daily workout to say hello and blah… Whatever.

The next day, I moved into the university’s dormitory. A friend gave me her room because she was living with her boyfriend. Three months later, I had proposals from better prospects. They were variously, incredibly good looking; fit; delicious; kinky and adventurous; considerate; sensitive; emotionally connected; wealthy; educated; well travelled; aristocrats.

I turned them all down.

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

52 replies on “X”

Interesting! The ring theory has merit! In my youth I had a mate that went by the philosophy that all woman have a price… the ring is usually the token of the invoice(s) to follow!
Yes… we all pay for our endeavours… sexual or platonic! The sex is just a bit of physical gratification… but oh, how the platonic miss that physicality! 😈

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Thank you so much for reading this post. I reread it and this essay was definitely a spontaneous, passionate purging of thoughts. I have a serious problem with cognitive dissonance. And still there are so many books giving advice to women on how to “win a man.” Which effectively keeps the balance of power to one side of the equation. I think we’d be much happier if we acknowledged our differences and found an external source of gratification. That way, a joining together is positive and dignity-affirming.

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I often wonder at the limits of interaction. I have my own set of ideas… no, not fantasies, as I share them with my better half! We’ve been married more than 25 years yet… I could still come up with an idea or two! Positive and dignity affirming goes both ways! (By the way… I’ve been long convinced many less men blog because most of my visitors seem to be of the fairer fraternity!) Happy loving!!
I’m going to have to do a bit of reading on the cognitive dissonance… again, happy loving! May that bring happy living!! 😀

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I agree with you about how women can’t have friendships groups like guys. I’ve never been invited to join one but I can tell from one on one interactions that it’s not feasible. I have always had an easier time talking to men because it’s just so easy.

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I was tricked! I thought I had the one ring to rule all others. I bought it at Sauron Jewelers, so I thought it was the real deal.

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Yes, we need to work together and stop the illusion of comparison. As well, people need to stop thinking of “the ring” as a mere noun or piece of paper. As a verb, it is a promise… a launching pad… a commitment… a world of everyday possibilities, growth and enduring love! Thanks for another real life post (plus comments), SaBiscuit 🙂 ♥ ❤

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May as well. I am figuring out more and more every day that I am way to close to the age I thought was old as a teenager:.. And I’ve made this far single. Why settle for a mediocre relationship at this point. I strive on avoiding mediocrity at every chance I get. My love life should be no different.

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Words from my own brain and thank you for stating the whole purpose of this blog at the moment: To say, “Why settle for mediocrity?” You have really penetrated the heart of the matter. If you couldn’t put up with it before, why start now.

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OMG! This is fantastic! I am often shocked by the way women compete for men, and the nasty behavior they choose to participate in. Even more importantly- I see women hiding their true selves to catch a man. Well, ladies men were obviously taken aside in middle school and taught the lessons on what women want to hear. They seem to have a gift for finding that insecurity we harbor- and using it as a weapon. ha! I obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I am in full on man-hater mode. gee. No wonder I am single.

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Thank you for adding your insight. This is exactly what I wanted to have: real people just saying things that they think and not the sugar coated life in plastic speech. You’re adorable and definitely won’t be single for long if you don’t want to be. That’s the other point, though. Why is a relationship a default setting. I’ve been brainwashed, too thinking I might be an android myself, but I’ve also learned to trust myself and what’s going on internally. What’s the point of having a boyfriend when you’re both making each other miserable?

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You took the words right out of my mouth. Beautiful write up, quite empowering, insightful and funny. You sound like a woman who knows what she wants. You sound like a woman with a plan.

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Thank you so much, and of course, I have a plan, but will “they” bloody cooperate? And while we’re on the topic, what’s your plan?

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Well, I am quite young…so I’m thinking world domination?…Hahaha, kidding. I just intend to change the world one person at a time, read like my life depends on it and write like its a cure to some sickness….Savour all that is beautiful and appreciate the little things(they are the most important) and hope that I’ll be able to look back and truly say that I lived.

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Great plan, and by all means do all of it. Reading is very important. A good education is never wasted. No one can whisper sweet nothings in your ear or impress you with their tin can bull nana that they plagiarised. You’ve said it right: Live, truly. Truly live. Be blessed, SB.

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I just ate a delicious chicken soup. It was amazing. Probably because I have the flu. Anyways, the soup is actually relevant. My boyfriend went out to buy ingredients, found a recipe, and spent time making it for me. This is the main thing that’s so awesome about this relationship we have. We’re partners, we take care of each other, support each other, do our own thing, do things together. We are both independent. We actually met through anthropology studies… I’m getting off track I think. So yeah, we both don’t want the Ring. I mean it’s not like we need to validate our relationship or feelings with a piece of overrated rock. Since we know it’s just a cultural thing, the idea just feels absurd most of the time.

Then again, I wouldn’t mind getting Sauron’s ring. That would be really cool.

Love your post by the way! I read some more of your blog and you have that amazing writing ability where your personalty just seem to seep through the words. It’s awesome! 😀

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Hello, Thank you so much for this story. I like the idea that you’re happy in your relationship and your boyfriend sticks around when you’re sick. He stays around and doesn’t run off to do things. I appreciate your warm compliment. And I did mean to make a reference to Sauron’s Ring. Thank you for noticing it. I hope you feel better soon, and may your relationship continue to bring you lots of interesting adventures.

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You’re a brilliant woman, and you’ve got it together. I am happy he treats you well. Thanks for sharing your story again. Women need to hear that men are capable of being around us when we’re down, sick, tired and out. Rest up and get well soonest. xoxo SB

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Thank you for your compliment. Im really glad you appreciated my story 🙂 However, when it comes to being brilliant, I’ll definitely be looking up to you. Can’t wait to read more from you 🙂 and thank you for the warm wishes! Xxo Sess

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They think the ring is a prize for the same reason they think men are mostly knuckle draggers for the same reason men themselves buy into the idea that they have to pamper a woman in order to win her over etc etc etc. But I did enjoy the read, especially the part about men having to be that busy that they don’t have the time to cause havoc, and I believe vice versa. Women have to continuously partake in meaningful work whatever it may be, be it becoming a home maker extraordinaire or owner of a business empire, whatever but don’t get suckered into the frivolities of pop culture, gossip, shopping for no reason and other pointless mind numbing and intellect robbing activities.

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Thank you for this insight. It’s true, and I didn’t write it, but my running sentiment was that women need to treat men like they’re human beings, and hold out for men who treat them in that way. Meaningful work and interests are good for the community, and partnerships that are built around a common purpose will be sustainable. I have kicked men out of my apartment for demanding to watch telly before even being asked to sit. I have something to do so be on your way, please. I don’t watch telly even when I’m bored out of my skull. In other words, I want something more meaningful in a relationship than a body in the room, you know what I mean.

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Well you know what, thanks for speaking up. I’d written this post just because I felt that we weren’t all saying something when we really needed to, and this really matters. Why stuff it down? Just let’s all gang up and let it all hang out.

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Yes, yes, so much yes. This is exactly why I’m consciously making the decision not to look for a partner for a while. Because I want the ring–if it happens–to be the accessory to a life I’m already passionate about. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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Exactly, and I’m so happy you joined in here. Because I want to say that the ring is nice, too, but the prospect of having it shouldn’t blind us to the things that make our lives miserable day in day out with nincompoop types. Absolutely, we should never compromise.

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Apparently I’m a rarity in that I don’t feel the need to knock my fellow women down but instead build them up and teach them using my own failures.

As for the ring…I didn’t get one from my husband. My engagement ring was a gift from my mother after we were married…it was her first from dad. She received it on their 20th anniversary…her first engagement ring. I will also on occasion wear the wedding set I inherited from my great-grandmother…I figure after 60 years together it has some luck to it.

We have enough enemies in this world, if you will, without making enemies of the people who understand us the most.

Oh goodness, I do so love when something inspires me and this post has definitely done that for me. I will have to map out a couple of future posts of my own. Thank you.

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Thank you so much, Angela. I appreciate your sharing here, because I know women who didn’t need the ring to affirm their love for their spouses. I take from this that a real, lasting relationship needs to take priority, over the showing off. It’s really about the quality of our relationship in the end. That requires mutual respect and honesty. I love rings, though, but I realised how ridiculous the whole proposal and ring offering things was when I got to a point where I could afford to ask someone to design the one I want to wear. I wondered, how is someone going to propose to me when I am very picky about things like design concepts. It ends up taking the mystery out of the presentation, in a romantic situation. But for me a good romance needs to have lots of vanilla.

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We women build each other up to tear each other down. As emotionally open as we say we are with each other we are never honest. We are always having the best sex, the best relationship, the best job/life/career. We commend behaviour in one and criticise it in the other. I agree. We are our own worst enemies. We accept poor behaviour in men then set them off into the wild again with skewed expectations. I’ve written a blog about it can’t remember which one… like I’m an expert or something lol 😉

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Thank you so much for this, and I hope that readers will come by and read. I will read this a bit later. I really appreciate your participation in this discussion.

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