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Full Penetration

Lara
I think I get it.

Jupiter
Tell me what you get.

Lara
He wanted a motorcycle. A motorcycle is easy to handle. Easy to fix. Within easy reach. It’s small. You can lift it. I’m not a motorcycle. I’m a mini Concorde. I need lots of fuel, a flight path, schedule and crew. I’m hard to get but once I’m got I can’t be got rid of.

Jupiter
So you’re saying his type is low end?

Lara
No. I’m saying she’s easy to get along with. I am the opposite. I don’t listen, I’m opinionated, arrogant and I’m usually right. He can overwhelm his type. With me it will take too much effort. Being financially constrained and dependent on others for sustenance, I had no choice but to be nice to everyone. I had to swallow my pride and bury my feelings. There is a freedom in being well off and exclusive to a few people. The results of the first one week experiment penetrate fully now.

Jupiter
Your expression tells me you’re not fine with the outcome.

Lara
It’s just that I feel judged because he didn’t want me. I felt like he was telling me I am not good enough for anyone at all. The entire planet worships blonde bombshells. I’m already at a disadvantage. I feel pain because of that.

Jupiter
Do you want him to apologise to you for his preference?

Lara
I don’t want him to say I’m worthless.

Jupiter
Why didn’t you see all this in our session three weeks ago?

Lara
My pride was hurt. I really mind being seen as worthless because of what I look like.

Jupiter
Other insights?

Lara
The passivity is deliberate, I realise. I flirted with every man I came across. I pretended I wanted to sleep with them because I wanted to be fed.

Jupiter
Did you enjoy dating in this altered state?

Lara
No. It was wreaking havoc on my real social life. I had to say no to a night out and a fun weekend trip with my friends. I needed to not spend the money and yet I felt a power in trading my outspokenness for meals.

Jupiter
Why not tell your friends? Let them look after you. It’s the easy way out.

Lara
I wanted them to think my fresh new body and youthful energy were doing everything for me. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me.

Jupiter
Did you feel good about being desired?

Lara
Yes. It was a good feeling. On day seven, I went to a cocktail party for a client just for the food and a tall good looking Russian patted my bum at the buffet table. I felt confident that it was because I was blonde and skinny. I introduced myself because it was an opening for a dinner invite. We chatted for a bit and made out in his limo while he was giving me a lift home.

Jupiter
Did you feel coerced?

Lara
I was really attracted to him. He’s the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. He asked for my number and we met a few times. He spent time talking to me about his problems. Of course, I slept with him too but the point was that I listened without interrupting because I wanted his charity more than his respect. I took a risk towards the end of the week. I told him I’m a natural brunette, I’ve had plastic surgery and I’m in therapy for self esteem issues. He immediately handed me the keys to an antique dealership on Thirteenth Street. As it turns out, he already recognised me, based on my work with his best friend and wanted to be business partners. He thought that this slutty deluxe persona was satire, so he was playing along at the party. I completely misread the situation. How weird is that?

Jupiter
It wasn’t “weird.” You were not focused on outcomes. Anything could happen.

Lara
The first week, I had to eat what was in the cupboards at work and I hid food in my desk drawers. I realised I couldn’t even afford to buy milk.

Jupiter
Depravity is understood. But let’s talk more about passivity. You said it was on purpose.

Lara
The passivity is a symptom, too. I was exhausted all the time, so it was hard for me to do my real job. It was frustrating to not have access to all of my mind.

Jupiter
Why didn’t you give up?

Lara
I realised that this is a game. There are various levels of freedom. The price I paid for the freedom to be myself was that others would not choose me.

Jupiter
What does his motorcycle feel every day?

Lara
I had a safety net, which was my real life, so it’s hard to be fully objective. I should say that it’s not the man she wants or needs. It’s what he can give her. I can afford to have an opinion. Because I actually have a professional standing, I was in the orbit of men who were attracted to me. However, I’m a mini Concorde. I’m hard to get and hard to get along with. This new person wasn’t looking for an easy situation, but saw my manipulating behaviour as a chance to get close to me for a relationship.

Jupiter
Good. We have some progress.

Lara
Do I continue with the relationship?

Jupiter
Do you want to?

Lara
Yes. I have his respect and love. I enjoy his companionship and my new business venture. I want to embrace all of it. I’m happy.

Jupiter
My concern is that at times a new relationship can be a bandaid for rejection. We use it to be spiteful, vengeful or competitive. This would not be fair to your new partner. As you’ve said before, there’s a part of you that has left the initial situation unresolved.

Lara
We still have to fix that, huh?

Jupiter
Yes, you do. While you’re preparing for our next session, I need you to think about your “manipulating behaviour.” What are the implications for the man you wanted? Do you think he would have wanted to be manipulated by you in that way?

Lara
We’re assuming he is even aware that his type might be manipulating him. I haven’t spoken to him in three weeks.

Jupiter
No need, just recall things that were said to you and discuss them with me. More journaling?

Lara
Ugh!

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.

3 replies on “Full Penetration”

The other three stories will appear in the related content section at the bottom of the posts, if you haven’t seen them. I would certainly invite your comment/rant, when you have time. This “Full Penetration” post is the last of four. I appreciate your company. Have a great day.

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