Scorpia

Memphis
The Apothecary and Entomologia in cooperation with the Bank of Commerce present a definitive plan for controlling the lice problem, Highness. We believe it a most effective solution.

Cleo
Owwww! Hades!!!!!!

Neferati
That hurt you so. That’s the last of it. Let me add this spearmint and chamomile salve. Press down to stop the bleeding.

Cleo
The torture.

Neferati
There you are. Now put your knees down.

Cleo
What have you come up with, sirs?

Memphis
Scorpions.

Cleo
Venom? You’re not putting that on my skin. Use Nefe.

Ari
Highness, we present them and their insatiable appetite for lice.

Cleo
Hmmm. You want me to ask citizens to let scorpions run around in their homes?

Memphis
Highness. It is a means to an end. We present a solution if they help us.

Plymouth
Let me explain. We present a specially bred venomless scorpion. These scorpions will live in the homes of our citizens and eat their lice.

Memphis
It’s the Cardashian Cluster, Highness. They regularly visit from east Europa with beautifully woven rugs. The demand has never been higher, regardless of the infestation.

Cleo
Can’t we just ban their rugs? Persians make better quality products.

Ari
The merchants will never agree to it. The Cardashian rugs are affordable and aristocrats change their decor three times a year.

Plymouth
The market forces us, Highness.

Cleo
All right. I’m listening. Nefe, can you depilate my armpits while I’m distracted by these politicos?

Neferati
With pleasure.

Memphis
Highness, I present, “The Scorpion King.”

Cleo
It’s … big.

Memphis
This is a wax likeness. They’ll be this size so they can be tethered with hemp string and returned to cages after feeding. See the opening at the tail, there?

Cleo
How does this help …? Ahhhhh!!! Nefe, why?!!!! May I die now.

Neferati
Oops. Other arm.

Ari
We present “The Scorpia.” It’s a …

Memphis
Move around to her other side.

Ari
… a new tax system. Citizens will display this waxed Scorpia seal on their doors to certify they have lice free homes. Monthly inspections and renewal fees apply.

Plymouth
We believe the new system will foster good neighbourly relations and give birth to a new business elite.

Cleo
What do we need the money for?

Memphis
To purchase goodwill from Roman aristocrats and scholars, of course. They already say Alexandria has no control over parasites. We recently learned that knowledge of this unfortunate infestation has been added to the Roman curricula. Young aristocrats will grow up thinking we are a lice infested State.

Cleo
I like it and mostly because the pain from this regular waxing of my body hair is ageing me. Be dismissed.

Memphis, Ari and Plymouth
Highness.

Notes: In this story, Cleopatra is getting a beauty treatment while attending to matters of state. Image courtesy: The Smithsonian Magazine, “Rehabilitating Cleopatra.”