marriage men women

Girl, yuh gone

This is not the super fabulous popcorn movie review site, but I’ll try my best. I have been resisting the urge to watch any film not a Mission Impossible instalment, but after watching someone’s walls cave in as she was faced with a crumbling marriage, I relented. I took her to see the film Gone Girl, this afternoon.

My aim was to illustrate to her that her marriage problems were not easily fixable and that she needed to not ask her friends and family to persuade an emotionally abusive man to stay with her. It is disrespectful and he’ll definitely react against any form of emotional blackmail. He said he wanted a one year separation and I advised her to go with it, along with a detailed separation contract so that she’s not financially supporting her husband’s mistress. It’s sound advice, which is what I thought she wanted but she says its impossible to agree to be separated because they’re married. Completely twisted logic, at which point I thought I would stop giving any more advice.

Her priest, relatives, mentors and attorney have already advised her to sign off on his petition to divorce. Their message, “You’re being abused. Don’t put up with it.” I asked her what she thought of this advice and she says she’ll allow him any number of mistresses and help repay his huge debts if he stays in the marriage. This was said even as she complained that he spent her savings on a Mercedes Benz; while her husband’s Disneyland trip with another woman was marked in his calendar. Even as the repayment notices piled up in her post box, she asked everyone around her to cheer her on and guarantee results in the situation. Then she complained that he casually had breakfast, which she prepared for him, minutes before leaving with his stuff. Insane, right? Now you know why I was screaming in my head as I calmly listened to all that. Lots of women behave like this when they should be losing their patience.

As I’ve discussed in October, a woman in love is her own worst enemy. My cousin will end up in exactly this position someday, and she is already incapable of seeing her situation objectively or hearing any reasonable advice. I found the film, Gone Girl, to be underwhelming for the hype. (What is it with the US media and the silly reactions to nothing in particular?)

However, there are valuable lessons to be learned from the story. It situates the characters at the lowest point of anticlimax. They are crushed by the weight of failure, but refuse to comfort each other. As it turns out, they love their own avatars. Ben Batfleck’s character is the type of guy who demands, even believes that he is entitled to, the hottest woman in town. He believes his awesomeness will convince the woman to relinquish her right to a perspective. His every pronouncement is ambrosia, his bodily secretions are nectar.

Hotness. You don’t marry a person’s body parts. You marry their principles. This is someone you trust with your life, but most people I know are not honest enough to admit they get caught up in that checklist of physical, sociocultural and financial assets. In doing so, they ignore the seed of bigger problems that will explode in the marriage later. The mistakes are made over and over again. The lessons are never learned.

Any woman can let a man talk and talk about his dreams and visions and go along with them to win his approval. But how many men would marry a woman who says, “You deluded wanker. Find something useful to do”? Women are taught that it’s important to support a life partner no matter what, and many are prepared to lie to “get” one. Rosamund Pike’s character is interesting because she knows that her husband wants to be fed lies, and he needs to prop up his fragile ego. He’s prepared to marry a pathological, manipulative vampire in order to get his ego stroked. She needs to go darker and darker in order to maintain the first lie, which is that she thinks he’s awesome.

Lying requires a lot of energy, so when Rosamund’s resources are depleted, Ben Batfleck’s character needs a buxom young girl who is easily influenced to help him with his self esteem problem. He trains his mistress by praising her underwear. After that, he feeds her the “us” fantasy and sends her on her way, to self-delude on her own time. He lets her believe that frantic assignations in his office will guarantee his love and devotion. He should have thought of this strategy the first time around, and married a young, naïve girl. But he lied to himself in the first place, thinking he was able to take on a sophisticated, overexposed woman and force her to submit to his mediocre ideations. “I’m better than you, and I can control you,” is what he is thinking. He does not have what it takes to achieve this, because Rosamund had the jump on him from “Hello.”

The person I saw the movie with said it was a timely intervention. In the same breath, she set about creating a social media account to keep up with her husband’s mistress. Her husband got it right with her, his second time around the marriage wheel. He took advantage of her inexperience and rigid thinking. Fifteen years later, she is prepared to endure anything because her mother-in-law assured her he will come back, eventually, “dead or alive.”

Batfleck’s problem is that he’s not a smooth operator. He figured he would ask an overly pampered muse for “a divorce.” Because life’s that simple, right? Use the woman and discard her when she is straining to hold it together for you. The bulk of the film shows his acknowledgement of the fact that his freedom is fair exchange for undeserved praise. He was insane to think that any woman that was happy to go along with his delusions would not devolve into a bloodthirsty psychopath.


Life is short, so let’s be decent.

19 replies on “Girl, yuh gone”

Your archives never dissapoint SB. This post kicks ass in speaking truth and seeing through bs. I haven’t seen the film but really enjoyed your breakdown of the dynamics and psychological game playing. I really admire the way you express yourself and present an argument. Hope you’re well and enjoying the weekend xx

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Thank you, Mek, you darling person. My archives can be dangerous. It is great to see you unearthed from the depths of “work”. I appreciate your warm wishes and support. Have a wonderful week ahead, as well. xoxo

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Girl, I love men, but you have to have a mind like a steel trap to win with them, and most women have jelly for brains. The thing that makes me want to slap someone hard is the mom-in-laws comment about getting him back.

Really? I hope to God I will give better advise than that to my kids. I’m still pissed off that my mom taught me how to cook and clean and stuff and taught me nothing about men. Then I figured it out, she doesn’t know much either.

I however won’t make that mistake. By the time we finally get a clue, we’ve been through some sh*t, but I found out other women don’t really want a heads up they want you to tell them everything will be ok. Of course it will be ok, once you grow a backbone and kick some ass. Loving your blog.

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We think we’ve come so far as women, but I have to wonder sometimes. I see so much (very unattractive) desperation to get and keep a man. Some women are willing to do just about anything and put up with just about anything.

This is why my now ex-boyfriend was certain that I would agree to stay in a situation in which he had another woman, and in which both of us would be supporting him financially. He dared to be in shock and disbelief when I left him. I still don’t understand why he was surprised.

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Outrageous. Your former paramour was ghetto and does not deserve your fabulousness. I was on the female character’s side in the karmic retribution dealt to the cynical attitude among men and their “it’s my prerogative to choose hotness over substance”. Yes it’s your right to choose but get kicked in the teeth, please. Live in fear, please. The “put-up-with-it-ness” and “change all for him” I see among women is how the fairytale gets perpetuated, that we are all better off with any kind of vagrant. This is what the film is showing. Eventually, Rosamund Pike’s character has chosen marriage over all the pain because the Dream is the collective fairy tale aspiration and she feels she must do her part to maintain it.

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And that kind of attitude from women can ruin things for those of us looking for a better quality relationship, because men are spoiled and hey, if you’re not willing to put-up-with-it-all for him, some other desperate and clingy chick will. Still, I’m a big believer in karma myself, so I have hope for a happy ending 😉

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Hello, darling. Exactly the point I didn’t make in my post. I was overwhelmed with something that I can’t name yet. Thank you for being so supportive.


Love and need are often confused for one another. As the father of two daughters – this thought often worries me.

This reminds me of a young couple I once knew, he was a scoundrel, and she a lovely person. She couldn’t bear to see who she had really married, so she ignored the signs. I often wonder how the years have treated them.

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Yes, their love life is their own. It seems to me that love can be foolish, or wise – but maybe that’s just who we choose to love.

I enjoy your keen insight and wish the best for your cousin.

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