Categories
celebrity fiction

Bummy Girl

Padgett
I’m quite sure this is what he asked for.

Chesterton
Yeah, but just make sure to do three versions just in case. These proportions aren’t realistic.

Padgett
I shaved off the back fat here and rounded out her humps. I can’t make her bottom any bigger. Gaga looked better when they CGI’d her waist for the Bad Romance video. But her proportions were balanced and realistic to begin with. If you know what I’m say…

Thomas
How’re you two coming along?

Padgett
…ing

Padgett
We’re finished but …

Thomas
It’s fine. Send the copy to me over WiFi? I have D on Skype. I’ll show him a screen shot.

Chesterton
We did three versions just in case.

Thomas
Send them all through. He’s waiting.

Padgett
Dude, I’m not putting this in my portfolio. This is not good for my career. Not in the least.

Chesterton
Remember why you’re working for this boutique magazine and not Vogue or Bazaar? Nobody wanted to see Madonna’s pores.

Padgett
There is no evidence I was responsible for that leak.

Chesterton
Look, this work is paying our salaries. Ronni told me D Knight paid Thomas four hundred thousand for the cover.

Padgett
You lie! They got paid that much.

Chesterton
Honest truth. The magazine doesn’t even make that much from ads in a quarter. Strictly between me and you?

Padgett
Sure!

Chesterton
He wants her to be an icon like JLo. Ronni said he said a level eight Freemason told him to give her the full Disney princess treatment in public. They say the woman has to look like an animal and be naked so the public will worship her. They have a secret manual and everything, like from step one to step two.

Padgett
That’s … that’s …You sound like Alex Jones. Stop listening to that stuff, y’all.

Chesterton
No. Ronni told me. Hear me out. That’s why I said keep it hush hush. D was smoking weed and rambling that he got the instructions tattooed on his arm in Hebrew.

Siri
What do you want me to do?

Padgett
Search “D Knight arm tattoo”.

Siri
Here is what I found.

Chesterton
That’s it right there. Is that Hebrew?

Padgett
I don’t believe this. Ronni doesn’t know D Knight.

Chesterton
She met him in person, Padge. They were eating dinner at Thomas’ house and everyone was drinking. It started when he said he wants to leave a legacy for his children.

Padgett
Dem a have more pickney?

Chesterton
No! That’s the thing. He has two boys with a Swiss rapper and then the little girl.

Padgett
How?

Chesterton
Yeah. That’s why Ronni said she was shocked and couldn’t keep it a secret.

Padgett
Holy…

Thomas
Hi. He likes the Jessica Rabbit version so send the book to the printers. It’s fixed.

Chesterton
Alright. Deadline in case we need to polish up?

Thomas
Seven. I’m at lunch. See ya.

Padgett
Where’s he going? It’s three.

Chesterton
If you don’t believe me I can call Ronni.

Padgett
No. Don’t get her in trouble. She already told you.

Chesterton
She said he calls Lhasa his “girl”.

Padgett
Not his “wife”?

Chesterton
Yeah, exactly.

Padgett
But they had that big wedding in Italy.

Chesterton
The Swiss rapper, was hanging on to him. That’s how it came out. Ronni says it looks like they have an open relationship.

Padgett
Wait. Lhasa is the wife or the matie?

Chesterton
The matie.

Padgett
Woahhh! So that’s why there was gossip about him being homosexual! Switzerland is near France right? So he’s spending time around there with his children but acting shifty. And people think he’s a batty bway and hiding it. Wendy Williams ate crow on TV for nothing.

Chesterton
I don’t know. Anything is possible. I believe the designer guy is his boyfriend.

Padgett
So, he’s bisexual, or whatever.

Chesterton
Ronni said Lhasa left early. Some old man picked her up. Looks old enough to be her father.

Padgett
Probably the driver.

Chesterton
Dude.

Padgett
They’re not afraid of people leaking that?

Chesterton
That’s what I thought, too.

Padgett
No, still!!

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.