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fiction

She has it all

Shultz
Are you alright?

Kiki
I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be.

Shultz
So, you’re not fine.

Kiki
Why do you let him talk to me like that?

Shultz
Ruby’s an asshole, pay no attention.

Kiki
Are you defending him? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not part of your elite boys’ club. I have delicate sensibilities. I have an education, and a career. I’m respected.

Shultz
Sweetie…

Kiki
Don’t “sweetie” me! I’m a grown woman.

Shultz
Kiki… Cassandra….

Kiki
He’s a racist bastard and he only spoke to me that way because of the colour of my skin. He acts as if he’s your wife.

Shultz
No. He respects you.

Kiki
You Americans are so ignorant. You only value something if it looks like what you’re accustomed to: white, bald and red necked.

Shultz
That’s not fair.

Kiki
Isn’t that why you proposed to me five times? To get away from daft, plastic women? This is what your advisors are used to.

Shultz
Honey, we have to go ….

Kiki
Don’t call me “honey”. Do not cut me off when I’m expressing my displeasure with your callous…

Shultz
…to dinner with our friends.

Kiki
If he shows his face, and greets me with that pompous smirk, I promise I’ll make a scene. I’ll vomit into my plate.

Shultz
Cassandra? I promise you…

Kiki
We have been married, legally, twice. This is our third reception dinner, and we have not finalised the premarital agreement.

Shultz
That’s because your entire firm is wrangling with my team over grammar and spelling.

Kiki
You can’t have spelling mistakes in a legal contract. It’ll void the terms. My firm love and respect me, and this is their way of making sure I don’t get shafted by your team of wankers!

Shultz
Shafted? Shafted. I’ll give you everything I have!!!

Kiki
Was I dreaming this entire relationship? I had the undeniable impression that what we had was real. The things we shared, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Are you pretending to be in love with me?

Shultz
No! Cassandra, that’s below the belt.

Kiki
Personally, I find the term “coitus” highly inappropriate for a contract. You Americans have no sense of decorum. This is not humane. Dictating the terms of our lovemaking to officers of the court. How is that supposed to make me feel about sleeping with you?

Shultz
We’ll take that out.

Kiki
You’re laughing at me. I’m confused and scared. You’re not trying to reassure me. Instead, you’re having such fun.

Shultz
I am because that’s just business.

Kiki
Say that to me one more time, and I will …

Shultz
What? Not show up to dinner? Fine.

Kiki
Fine! And tell that deliciously hideous twag Mr. Rubinstein, Esquire, to go frag himself.

Shultz
Cassandra. Please let’s leave this to the lawyers and enjoy a night out with friends. Please? I’ll stay in if you want, and we can fight it out here for the rest of the night. But you and I know that you just want to rip my clothes off and have your way with me.

Kiki
You’re impossible.

Shultz
Alright. Can we please go out now, and later you can have your way with me?

Kiki
Am I laughing? Do you see a smile on my face?

Shultz
Alright.

Kiki
Rubinstein. Ball sack. Hill. Billy.

Shultz
I’m sorry.

Kiki
Racist twag. I’m a human rights lawyer, and a woman of colour. I can sue the small creatures crawling around in the crack of his arse, and Her Majesty’s Government would find in my favour.

Shultz
He’s fired. I’m sorry. Baby … Cassandra, I’m an asshole. An insensitive disconnected asshole. I don’t see things from your point of view. I should pay more attention. I’m sorry, and he’s gone.

Kiki
I am so annoyed with you right now.

Shultz
I know, but you love me, right? I love you.

Kiki
Don’t even start with that.

Shultz
Can I give you a kiss? Make up?

Kiki
Go away.

By ΠιCΘLΣ

Life is short, so let’s be decent.