Month: November 2014

Categories
fiction women

Six Minutes

Paine
I see! So you’re not paid a salary, just shares in the company, which you sell off at intervals to raise cash.

Mari
That’s the long and short of it, yes.

Paine
And how is using the company like an ATM working for you?

Mari
I wouldn’t say it like that.

Paine
What does anyone spend twenty million dollars a month on? Take me inside your world.

Mari
Well, as you know, I support various charities and organisations.

Paine
I’m reading a statement here from PCG, the children’s charity. They say they can clothe, breakfast and lunch ten thousand children for one year with two million dollars.

Mari
Is that right?

Paine
This is one of the charities that you fully support, according to your bestselling book, And An Ugly Duckling Shall Lead Them.

Mari
Naturally, I’m not that organisation’s only source of funding and you haven’t accounted for staff transportation and all that. Administrative costs.

Paine
Five hundred thousand dollars a year. I spoke to the founder of the charity. You could basically fund this charity with a small fraction of…

Mari
Okay, alright.

Paine
…your monthly salary.

Mari
I’m a working mother who takes care of her family.

Paine
Most mothers make do on less than twenty million dollars a month. Do you remember a time when you weren’t earning a boatload of cash selling off stock on automatic trades?

Mari
I think if you allow me to finish I will say that as a working mother my duty is to my family.

Paine
This is not an answer to my question. Your husband is the founder of his own tech firm. His net worth is one billion dollars.

Mari
That’s irrelevant. My husband and I both contribute equally as providers and…

Paine
Which is why the question is pertinent. How come you fully support a charity and it hasn’t enough funding when you are withdrawing tens of millions of dollars a month on regular trades?

Mari
Obviously my financial matters are private.

Paine
They’re not.

Mari
They’re not?

Paine
Every financial transaction you make as COO is public knowledge. The SEC has regular filings from you and as it is a government agency we have access to this information under the Freedom of Information Act.

Mari
You are wrong. That’s snooping and you have no jurisdiction and no right.

Paine
You owe it to the public to show transparency in all of your financial dealings.

Mari
I’m not. You know, Ms Paine …

Paine
Carla, please.

Mari
… Carla. As a woman I expected you would …

Paine
Be on your side? Do you believe that every woman is obliged to defer to you?

Mari
Certainly, I don’t put myself above others.

Paine
Sounds like male entitlement to me.  Which is to say, you’re worthier than I because you have a higher salary.

Mari
Absolutely not!

Paine
Isn’t that why you’re here? So this news magazine can laud your achievements further on television?

Mari
That’s cynical.

Paine
Well, isn’t that what you were expecting, to some degree?

Mari
I have no such agenda.

Paine
Do you see how other women would find it hard to relate to you?

Mari
I think they can relate to me since I’m a busy working class mother with children.

Paine
Working class? Not upper class? You have household help and child caregivers. You’ve spoken publicly about this.

Mari
I’m a … I’m a worker.

Paine
Let’s talk about that. You said in 2012 that you were head hunted after you suggested to your CEO that you use “meetings to talk about meeting points”?

Mari
Yes. This move has made the company waste less time, making it more efficient. It was a fledgling startup with few disciplined, responsible college educated people managing it at the top.

Paine
With all due respect, there’s not a man or woman watching this segment who has not said “let’s focus on meeting agendas” at some point in the past. Had I known it would be that easy to run CBS, I would have applied for the job years ago.

Mari
Obviously it’s a media company and is hard to run. You can’t just waltz in and oversee operations without the proper qualifications.

Paine
Could you clarify your point?

Mari
I’m saying I’m qualified to do my job and you are qualified to do yours.

Paine
It sounded to me like you were saying I don’t have the ability to run CBS.

Mari
Well, can you?

Paine
Let me put my point to you differently. In 2013, you were quoted as saying you innovated the company’s operating processes by introducing, and I quote, “bulleted points lists instead of numbered lists for all internal and external correspondence and wall mounted digital clocks instead of relying on computer screens.” Am I to believe that you earn twenty million dollars a month to obsess about the formatting in word processed documents and supervise office decoration? Twenty million.

Mari
Obviously this is an understatement. My statement was edited to make my job look more simple than it is.

Paine
So you agree that the job is a simple one. Were you hired as sort of a frontispiece? A beard of sorts.

Mari
Excuse me? My job is a complex … I have a Harvard MBA!

Paine
We would certainly expect a Harvard educated COO to do more than correct formatting in Word or set watches and clocks.

Mari
Can we take a break? I need to talk to my, ahhh.

Paine
Your publicist.

Mari
Can you stop the tape, please?

Paine
My boss at CBS gave me carte blanche here so that’s not going to happen.

Mari
I want to have a private conversation.

Paine
You agreed to an interview. You signed a contract.

Mari
And I’m saying I take offence to being bullied in this way by you, Carla.

Paine
Actually, it’s doctor Paine. I have a Cambridge PhD.

Categories
news

The Glass Schism

After calling out Sergey Brin for thrusting Google Glass upon the world in an earlier post, I took a step back to consider what’s really at stake here. The concept of Google Glass (embarrassingly obvious name) is not new. GoPro (awful name, awful product) was invented for people who engage in extreme sports. I used to engage in a couple of extreme sports a while back, but I didn’t think it would be a good idea to have video references for eternity.

I feel anxious. My primary objection to Google Glass is that it is wearable. Even Diane von Furstenburg looks awesome in one, and she had hers on for a fashion week presentation. The video was heavily edited and perspectives from different wearers were spliced in to enrich the data. (Not fair!) People who can afford it, but don’t have hobbies besides buying stuff might decide to just wear it on nights out drinking.

I already have enough of a headache with people who feel they have the right to take photos of me for their social media feeds. You should see the looks on people’s faces when I say, no, you cannot upload a photo of me drinking wine or putting food in my mouth. Of course, they know they’re being rude, but when I object, I’m told off for not being a good sport. I spent the last year chasing down these unauthorised uploads, thanks to friends of mine. It’s not that these photos are taken in stealth, it’s that I say to everyone, before sitting down, “do not upload photos of me to wherever, and for that matter, don’t take them in the first place.” One year, at a Christmas party, I caught a young woman with a Nikon camera trying to zoom in on my lace stockinged legs in a short dress, from way across the room. I was on holiday, and therefore entitled, I thought, to a few glasses of champagne with friends, in a not safe for work outfit. It’s not a side of me that my colleagues should get to see.

Now, I’m a recluse, and can’t go to wine club gatherings without making newcomers sign confidentiality agreements. Sergey Brin doesn’t have that problem. I bet other people buy his groceries and that a non English speaking crew cleans his toilets and mow his lawn. I also guarantee you that he does not stride into the local Starbucks to grab a cup of coffee, and when he does, he expects to be trending on Twitter. Such a situation is a bother for me because I have to do my own shopping, drive my own car, and because I do not want to trend on Twitter.

Most of the annoying people who don’t care about my privacy don’t have hobbies. They don’t watch telly, don’t rent videos, straddle a (wo)man around bedtime, do yoga, or play video games. They just gossip and take photos of each other eating pasta.

I can see the practical uses for Google Glass. For one, when I’m trying out new media in a painting session, it would be useful for some of my future workshops to show how I use it from my perspective. Glass would be a really cool tool for tennis lessons with an expert. Imagine seeing what it’s like to serve and hit from Stefi Graf’s point of view. I could use the recording to improve my serve and see where my arm should be at mid-swing. If I went on a walk by the lake to take in the scenery, did a pottery class or even tried to complete a black run during ski season, I know friends or relatives would love to see.

And what about cooking? I sometimes make happy accidents in the kitchen, and it is a bother to dictate recipes to Siri. So I could save a lot of time and effort later by watching a video of myself cooking. My gastrointestinal issues are not unique to me. I believe that people who are suffering from Celiac Sprue, who have been newly diagnosed, might really lack support as to how to live their daily lives while managing the condition. Without violating anyone’s personal space, I could use hardware like this to support them. If you have interesting hobbies or a job that requires you to show someone how to do something, Google Glass will be a useful tool. Scientists, archeologists, flight instructors, coaches and performers are some professionals that come to mind.

I will object to people videotaping themselves walking down the street for a coffee. I don’t care what the law says about videotaping people walking around outside. It’s not nice, so cut it out. “Hey guys, it’s Sherm here, and I’ve got Google Glass, which as you know is just a wearable technology, and I’m just taking a look at the people on the street. I’m gonna just uhh, what was I saying? Hiya! How are you? Oops, she doesn’t look too happy!” Do you know anyone this annoying? I do. If you’re recording a walk down the street in a beautiful but unfamiliar city as a guide for other people, that would be a great use of the device.

What about this new Glass application that allows people to basically look at themselves looking at each other? It’s been reported as a homemade sextape tool and every jackass on the planet who wants a reality show will take full advantage. (Why, Paris Hilton, why?) Does anyone not get how narcissistic that is?

Let me say it again slowly: There is an application that will allow you and your partner to record yourselves looking at each other. When you’re done looking at each other through the Glass, you can sit down and watch yourselves on your iPads looking at each other. How would a relationship like this even begin? Can you imagine having any kind of closeness with someone that self-obsessed? And before you say I’m overreacting, I know people who are like that.

I feel anxiety because as a race of humans we might be about to enter a new era of self-contentedness. With a bit of forethought, we could see in our hands the tools to change our ourselves and to help others. We’ve made such strides to get to a place where we can live in relative peace and harmony, not counting conflict in sundry places. This should be an age of achievement. We should grow together and encourage each other.

I’m not saying that Google Glass is the Kraken, but this company missed a chance to promote itself as the eradicator of evil. Their overpaid team of troubleshooters, crisis managers and marketing professionals should have seen this backfire when creating their storyboards. Google launched this device purely as a response to the pressure to innovate. Since it is a tool for improving the company’s image as innovator, at a time when its motives are not trusted regarding privacy, it is only natural that the public reacts to it with scepticism.

I am rooting for this device to be rejected before it gets a wider launch. It should have been introduced as a tool used by rescue or health care workers in hard to reach areas. Instead, it’s being used to promote fashion week when most people are shopping on outlet sites, recycling and downsizing. DVF doesn’t need more people looking at her. She’s already got a lot of fans, customers and a reality show. If Glass is not used responsibly, it could unleash horror in our lives. I want someone to see this before it’s too late.

Update ~_* January 15, 2015. I am exceedingly happy to report that “Google is ending sales of its Google Glass eyewear. The company insists it is still committed to launching the smart glasses as a consumer product, but will stop producing Glass in its present form.” This is marketing speak for “this is an epic failure, because people can see we’re full of crap.” Thank you, whoever engineered this wonderful happening.

 

Categories
about me creative writing opinion women writing

Viral Harsh Realities

Freshly Pressed is bogus. It’s got a year-old article from a man who posts every two years. And a Christian expatriate living in South Korea who’s obsessed with pre-marital sex (and the prevention thereof). She’s married to a man who gives her butterflies. So, it’s okay for her but I should want not.

She’s also a greedy young woman who has complained that 1.6 million article views aren’t making her happy enough. Writing is hard work so she’s scared because the expectations are plenty. But, on the other hand, she wants more followers so she can feel validated as a writer, “It’s not fair! Only 200 + people are following me”.

You, fellow blogger, are preventing her from getting more subscribers because you are taking up space on the Internet. She wants you to delete your blog so she can get more readers. She has nine hundred plus subscribers as of this post. Should her readers say “congrats” or hand her a tissue?

If I have my way, this blogger will define herself forever as the woman who got 1.6 million views for one article. When she meets people she will find a way to sneak it into the conversation. This obsession with a statistical anomaly will stunt her personal growth and dampen her creative outpourings.

Our Christian blogger has another problem. She says writing is hard work and she wants to give it up. She envies friends who have book deals. She projects unto them envious thoughts of her million-view spike. A sensible person should be asking, “How many of those views were from real readers?”

This behaviour is typical of greedy people. They are bottomless wells of want. They want what they don’t want. Then they fantasise that everyone wants to be like them.

Life is too precious to get hung up on page views. If no one reads a post, it is okay to feel bad. But find out more about the numbers, where they come from, and leave your self-esteem out of it. Acquiring new readers requires an effective strategy, hours of work, and perhaps a consultation with a professional.

On a slightly tangential note, I want to say that I am amazed at how writers are beholden to publishers. They outsource the reading of your manuscripts to freelancers but you are offering up your self-worth to them?

I sort of get how that starts. One editor told me, “I’m promoting feminism among women of colour to make the world a better place.” An essay of mine addressing those two issues was not accepted for publishing.

A week after that, the editor published a rant from an Asian-American woman saying nasty things about “white belly dancers”. I realised that this is a game called, “the editor is a two-topic pony (white people are racists/you all hate fat women) and will not publish material she could not write herself.”

This same editor later went to a grocery store and when the staff did not genuflect to her highness, she tried to create a national scandal about it on Twitter. I now see why she would not publish my essay.

And as the world continues to marinate in that sauce, I continue to have zero expectations and immense gratitude every time someone shows me that they are paying attention. I am defined by the desire to create. I let my  stories write themselves. I am their engine.

Categories
dining out fashion men

What to wear to a wine tasting: For men only

Disclaimer: I know, I know. Wine tastings are best enjoyed with friends and acquaintances in a relaxed setting. Wine tastings aren’t about fashion; they’re all about the actual wine, the atmosphere and pleasant conversation with friends. But a lot of people searched the Internet for this article so I’m leaving it here for them.

suits
Sneakers go with blazers. Image courtesy: TD Mag

Please read on if your wine-tasting event is among strangers or for business networking; or has a “business” or “smart casual” dress code. I have some suggestions you might find useful. Let’s go one level up on those guys in the photo above.

Remember, most of the successful people you meet are going to be non-conformists. Your outfit should tell them you care what people think but not enough to limit yourself or fade into the background.

It’s dressing up time. Your aim is to appear put together, with a commanding presence that is not uptight. A tailored suit jacket and matching trousers are the correct choice. For a wine tasting, a necktie is too formal.

plaidshirt1
Plaid shirt via Fashion Beams

Polo shirt, t-shirt or jumper? The answer is no. No, no. Shirts are straightforward. If the event is in a pubby, sports bar type semi-formal loungy place, wear a plaid shirt. If you like plaid, choose a deeper colour for the less formal venue. The more formal the event, the cooler your colours. No chest hair, please. Unless you are Jake Gyllenhaal.

Now, for shoes. You don’t want to show up in loafers or Oxfords, which say, “I’m trying to impress you.” Everyone has an extra pair of shoes in their car or in the bottom drawer of their desk at the office, or in a shoe locker somewhere. Yours will be walking shoes or sneakers similar in shape to the ones Tom Hiddleston is wearing, in any colour you like, except bleached white or black.

men-suits-with-sneakers-24
Tom Hiddleston via GQ Magazine

If you feel reckless, go for neon green or blue. I know what you’re thinking, but GQ put Tom Hiddleston in sneakers with that wool suit because sneakers go with suits. So, I promise you, sneakers are going to look great with your suit. If you want to really impress, try matching the trim of your sneakers to a colour in your plaid shirt.

Wear these sneakers with your suit.
If you’re not feeling brave, you can wear these.

Next, how to smell. Personally, I prefer the masculine aroma of a hand-rolled Cuban cigar. But may I also suggest aftershave and nothing stronger than that? Or a teeny bit of Chanel Bleu. Otherwise, you’ll be tasting your cologne in your wine, which is never a good idea.

Then, how do you pose for photos? This page is from an article in Esquire, which promotes a wine-tasting session at The Battery, London.

Wine tasting promotion for the Battery, London, in Esquire.
Wine tasting promotion for the Battery, London, in Esquire magazine.

Do not do any of that. Pose in profile and raise the glass in a toast, with a taut smile. Never allow yourself to be photographed gulping down liquids. Someone will make a bad joke and you will have to do an explainer for the rest of your life. Tag the other individuals in the photograph because you are kind and thoughtful.

In summary, suits constrain your body and say you’re willing to conform. However, sneakers say that you’re subversive. For a business networking wine tasting, choose a suit, ditch the tie and change into sneakers. Don’t drink from the glass when posing for photos. And remember to have lots of fun.

Updated, April 21, 2016 @ 13.59 GMT

Categories
fiction

London: Two Months Later

Fyfe
Right. I’m not sure where to start. Your brother told me you have some unique skills.

Pleschette
I’m not sure what you mean.

Fyfe
I came across something yesterday at SB. Some Russian bloke’s going away for money laundering. Ten years. We fool around in the archives with personal effects. Auctions, lottery, grab bag, whatever. I got this bloke’s laptop. It’s brand new. Four thousand quid worth of software and hardware. Stuff I can’t even understand.

Pleschette
You want me to clean the hard drive?

Fyfe
No. The hard drive’s got one hundred gigs of … images and videos on it.

Pleschette
Is it children, mate? I’m not touching that stuff.

Fyfe
No. I saved them on these USB flash drives. Take a look. I recognise some of the people on here, but I can’t get my head around this.

Pleschette
Did you sweep this stuff for viruses? We sometimes use them to infect people’s machines.

Fyfe
He’s a techie. I used his fingerprints to access the laptop. Most of the files have got passwords.

Pleschette
Righteousness. Alright. Let us have a look. Holy … is that … ? That’s uhm, uhm… I don’t remember her name, but she’s always on the telly. Entertainment Tonight and them.

Fyfe
Exactly, right.

Pleschette
I know this one, and this one. She’s got one of those BAFTAs. I know her. She’s in the men’s mags. GQ. This is messed up, mate.

Fyfe
I put the laptop back but I broke the law opening that machine, much less possessing stolen images.

Pleschette
I feel you. So what you want me to do?

Fyfe
I want to see if we can, you know, sell them to the tabloids.

Pleschette
Ah. You want me to act like a broker? Sell them without revealing your identity?

Fyfe
Yes.

Pleschette
I’m not really into this scandal mag bullshit. I dunno how much you’re going to get. This isn’t black market contraband, mate. It’s junk. You could sell a bag of heroin faster than this shyte. Have you got any heroin? I’d make you one hundred thousand quid right quick.

Fyfe
No.

Pleschette
You could wank to it.

Fyfe
I know that. But this is like potentially… can we auction it off or …?

Pleschette
I dunno. I don’t think anyone is interested in some naked girls. Some of the shots are blurry and all. Let me ask around but I’m not making any promises.

Fyfe
Thanks.

Pleschette
Later.

Categories
women

Thirty One

Thirty-one is the year to reap what you sow. Forget “being yourself”, this is the age of self-awareness. For starters, accept and acknowledge everything you’ve done in the past decade to get to this point. Stop telling your friends you’re a virgin. They don’t believe you and they have proof.

Everything sticks at 31. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex with strangers, junk food, Cheerios and late nights at clubs will all make deposits to that overall rode-hard-Middleton look. Your skin does not lie at 31. It simply reports what it sees. It’s not necessary for a woman in her thirties to have forehead lines, crow’s feet or jowls. Be self-aware and look after yourself.

You’re not a girl. If you’re writhing around topless on a bed, trying to capture your best sorority girl angle on your mobile phone, stop. Simply refuse to send photos of yourself anywhere.

Mystery loves the company of accomplished (wo)men. At 31, women don’t have boyfriends. They love people. Cultivate a lifestyle and invite interesting people to join in.

Scrunchies should induce hiccups in a stylish woman. All terrible things must come to an end and even though calf socks are back, there is no way to sex up the nightmare of shirred polyester. Ponytail holders should be used to bind Karl Lagerfeld’s hair or a roll of canvasses for your women’s weekend painting retreat. This is the year to try on feather headbands, silk ribbons and jewelled hair pins. I don’t care what you say. Feathers, rhinestones and sequins show you have moxy.

Learn at least one rare language. Become conversant in it. You’ll meet another speaker in time, promise.

Carve out a space for yourself to receive inspiration. Anoint a hideout or hangout spot and make friends with the owners. Order the same thing every time you go in. From this point, foster positive relationships with business people.

Put your future first. You can live in the now, later. If a man proposes to you at this age, he’s interested in a grown woman and not a girl, so spend time really getting to know him. If you like him, get on with it. The man you’re pining after is indifferent to you. Don’t waste your life on a fantasy.

Similarly, if you’re still with the same person from your mid-twenties and you haven’t talked about marriage and children, you’re his/her mistress.

Mark territory. You have a voice, so get out there and campaign for your cause. If a campaign doesn’t exist, organise one. If you want to do something, don’t consult with anyone, don’t bang on about it, get on with it in secret. Invite us to the launch.

Declare yourself. If you love him, Him, her or Her, them, show it and say it: “I love you.” Stop playing mind games. If your feelings aren’t reciprocated, move on. And no, let’s not stay friends (with or without benefits).

If you’re not a mother, adopt a child, whether it’s fostering one or simply acting as a role model. Children teach us about love, compassion and acceptance. This is more than any romantic relationship can accomplish. Looking after children is a gift you give to the world.

Say yes, a lot. There’s something wonderful about the quality of life you can enjoy when you have exacting standards. However, a mysterious 31 year old woman always leaves room to surprise herself.

Categories
fiction

She has it all

Shultz
Are you alright?

Kiki
I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be.

Shultz
So, you’re not fine.

Kiki
Why do you let him talk to me like that?

Shultz
Ruby’s an asshole, pay no attention.

Kiki
Are you defending him? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not part of your elite boys’ club. I have delicate sensibilities. I have an education, and a career. I’m respected.

Shultz
Sweetie…

Kiki
Don’t “sweetie” me! I’m a grown woman.

Shultz
Kiki… Cassandra….

Kiki
He’s a racist bastard and he only spoke to me that way because of the colour of my skin. He acts as if he’s your wife.

Shultz
No. He respects you.

Kiki
You Americans are so ignorant. You only value something if it looks like what you’re accustomed to: white, bald and red necked.

Shultz
That’s not fair.

Kiki
Isn’t that why you proposed to me five times? To get away from daft, plastic women? This is what your advisors are used to.

Shultz
Honey, we have to go ….

Kiki
Don’t call me “honey”. Do not cut me off when I’m expressing my displeasure with your callous…

Shultz
…to dinner with our friends.

Kiki
If he shows his face, and greets me with that pompous smirk, I promise I’ll make a scene. I’ll vomit into my plate.

Shultz
Cassandra? I promise you…

Kiki
We have been married, legally, twice. This is our third reception dinner, and we have not finalised the premarital agreement.

Shultz
That’s because your entire firm is wrangling with my team over grammar and spelling.

Kiki
You can’t have spelling mistakes in a legal contract. It’ll void the terms. My firm love and respect me, and this is their way of making sure I don’t get shafted by your team of wankers!

Shultz
Shafted? Shafted. I’ll give you everything I have!!!

Kiki
Was I dreaming this entire relationship? I had the undeniable impression that what we had was real. The things we shared, I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Are you pretending to be in love with me?

Shultz
No! Cassandra, that’s below the belt.

Kiki
Personally, I find the term “coitus” highly inappropriate for a contract. You Americans have no sense of decorum. This is not humane. Dictating the terms of our lovemaking to officers of the court. How is that supposed to make me feel about sleeping with you?

Shultz
We’ll take that out.

Kiki
You’re laughing at me. I’m confused and scared. You’re not trying to reassure me. Instead, you’re having such fun.

Shultz
I am because that’s just business.

Kiki
Say that to me one more time, and I will …

Shultz
What? Not show up to dinner? Fine.

Kiki
Fine! And tell that deliciously hideous twag Mr. Rubinstein, Esquire, to go frag himself.

Shultz
Cassandra. Please let’s leave this to the lawyers and enjoy a night out with friends. Please? I’ll stay in if you want, and we can fight it out here for the rest of the night. But you and I know that you just want to rip my clothes off and have your way with me.

Kiki
You’re impossible.

Shultz
Alright. Can we please go out now, and later you can have your way with me?

Kiki
Am I laughing? Do you see a smile on my face?

Shultz
Alright.

Kiki
Rubinstein. Ball sack. Hill. Billy.

Shultz
I’m sorry.

Kiki
Racist twag. I’m a human rights lawyer, and a woman of colour. I can sue the small creatures crawling around in the crack of his arse, and Her Majesty’s Government would find in my favour.

Shultz
He’s fired. I’m sorry. Baby … Cassandra, I’m an asshole. An insensitive disconnected asshole. I don’t see things from your point of view. I should pay more attention. I’m sorry, and he’s gone.

Kiki
I am so annoyed with you right now.

Shultz
I know, but you love me, right? I love you.

Kiki
Don’t even start with that.

Shultz
Can I give you a kiss? Make up?

Kiki
Go away.

Categories
entrepreneurs news

In defence of “dressing”

mark-zuckerberg.jpg
Mark Zuckerberg. Courtesy: Getty Images

That awful person, CEO and Grim Reaper of Privacy, whose name I will not inscribe (or link to) on this sacred space, has gone super-nomcore. Given his net worth, it’s hard to imagine that people will dismiss his utterances as tarry horsefeathers. Someone quoted him as saying he wears the same t-shirt every day because dressing up is “silly.” I wasn’t sure if he meant that the rest of us are silly or just himself.

I’m sceptical about the awful person’s “I only wear t-shirts”proclamation. Sean Parker, the former CEO of that cursed enterprise, is super well-groomed. He probably consults with a stylist. You sometimes need to take advice from people who have a better sense of a thing that is intimidating to you.

Now to be fair, part of me understands the message he is trying to convey. If you have to be “on” 24/7, you try not to vary your look too much. When she was editor-in-chief of Paris Vogue, Carine Roitfeld saved time by wearing no foundation or lipstick, messy hair and tons of eyeliner. Her successor, Emmanuelle Alt, has been photographed on numerous occasions in the same black leather or denim trousers. Karl Lagerfeld wears only black and white.

Uniforms are an important armour for corporate battle, but surely a sacrificial offering must be made to the fashion gods? Perhaps he could build a clothing factory in China and employ one hundred people. Offer them a livelihood. It’s an effective public relations strategy because it incorporates money and political heft while promoting international relationships and community service. Such a gesture might acknowledge that the rest of us have an innate and unquenchable desire to express ourselves through silk, leather and lace.

Categories
about me

Tea time, at desk

Tea time at the office.
Tea time at the office: Peppermint with a teaspoon of nectar.

I’m enjoying a fifteen minute minute break, and I decided to sneak in a bit of peppermint tea and stage a photo shoot for a tiny pot of nectar I got from France. That aubergine piece of satin is a dinner napkin. I found it at a charity bazaar in September, and I still don’t quite know what to do with it. I didn’t want to buy its companion (green) because I thought: who’s going to use the other one? Ha! I’m still asking that question. It has been tucked away in my treasure chest until today. Of course, a colleague complained about the shutter noise, but I think he was secretly envious that he was not the subject of all this attention. That box was a container for chocolate covered nuts, believe it or not. I was so intrigued by the Latin inscription on it (a description of moon phases), I decided to recycle it as a honey pot holder. It’s going to inspire me someday, I just know it.

Categories
art celebrity news women

Begging your pardon, but that’s not art

I do not believe Willard Foxton’s claim that he was largely unaware of Taylor Swift’s existence prior to the release of 1989. I live under a rock when it comes to pop music, but it’s difficult to not know who she is. She bakes sweet treats for fans, dresses up a lot and accessorises with a cat. While New Yorkers were sleeping, Swift and her public relations army invaded and occupied their city. She’s all over the Telegraph website and, as Mr Willard earns a salary writing for them, he cannot reasonably make the claim.

Here’s a true story. I’ve never listened to a single one of Swift’s songs, but I paid attention to her after I found out that she shops at ASOS. Paparazzi took photos of her in one of their name branded dresses and it was posted on the website. I declined to buy the same one even though it was only $20. I’m not into bird patterns.

Willard is annoyed that children are trying to listen to Swift’s new album for free. Apparently, he’s unaware that people who exist outside of his laptop subsist on limited budgets. These people have part time jobs, homework, and do their own cleaning. Sometimes they can only afford to eat cup noodles for dinner. They do not want to give Taylor Swift any part of their disposable income.

They should not. She is a public relations machine in overdrive. We all know how wealthy she is, down to the last cent. If you’re wealthy because of the kind consideration and generosity of others, it’s a good idea to show consideration for that. People who enter the spotlight tend to get brain damaged by the overwhelming attention. They make a conspicuous display of affluence and complain later when people don’t want to help them acquire more of it.

One of the reasons I support classical musicians is that they can’t make a living air-playing an instrument and they don’t get recognised because of their looks. Concerts cost a lot more than album downloads, but I put on nice frocks three or four times a year to show my appreciation for their talent and perseverance.

Willard Foxton’s taste is something strange. He says that Swiftpop is “art” and that illegal downloads are devaluing that art. The Telegraph has a certain prestige but if they keep paying clueless people like him to write articles, I’ll boycott it, too. After all, no news is good news.

Categories
celebrity men news

Hello, Man! This is how you hang on to your ￡20 million

David James, former England goalie and sports commentator is bankrupt for real. He seems like a well-spoken, compassionate and sensitive guy. He’s not, as he claims, a footie psychopath. He’s reportedly lost a lot more than Keith Gillespie, who has said he wasted upwards of ￡7 million, in ill-advised investment schemes and a compulsive gambling habit. I wish I’d met David James six years ago, before his financial difficulties started to overwhelm him. I would have told him to live a simple lifestyle; to stay away from hare-brained get rich quick “schemes”; have a no-handout policy; take some financial planning and accounting classes; and live well below his actual means.

A ￡3 million divorce would not contribute to bankruptcy if he had ￡20 million in tangible assets at the time of divorce. However, it is reported that James earned that much over a 25 year career in football. At an average of ￡800,000 a year, the settlement payout would cause problems if he is waiting for salary cheques. He would need to pay his ex wife in instalments over a few years.

The personal net worth of athletes and other people in the news is probably overestimated. The calculation of net worth is straightforward. Assets minus liabilities. The problem is that observers inflate or dream up the value of assets to hype the prominence of the people they’re profiling. In the news, net worth is estimated over a total period and attributed at the time of reporting. It can be misleading.

Most readers won’t factor in that after earnings, James has got to pay the top tax rates. In the UK it’s been 40 pc since 1990, going up to 50 pc from 2010 through the end of 2012 fiscal year. It’s now at 45 pc. After that, he pays rent, property tax and utilities, furniture, repairs, fixtures, food, drink, socks and shoes. James would hardly be broke with ￡400,000 to ￡480,000 a year after taxes. It’s up to thirteen times higher than the UK’s per capita income of ￡36,208. If he chose to live on a quarter of his after-tax earnings, a minimum of ￡100,000 a year, and put ￡300,000 in a savings account, over the course of 25 years, that would see him with ￡7,500,000 or a maximum of ￡9,000,000 in the bank plus interest. That is without putting the money in compound interest account, government bonds or a mutual fund. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?

There’s pressure to live up to expectations when your wealth is overestimated. Ask James Stunt. In my opinion, he spends money that doesn’t belong to him. That borrowed fleet of luxury cars was a brilliant trick. It’s good advertisement for the dealers: They let him and his entourage drive the cars out of the shop and park them in front of photographers for an hour or so. How did photostalkers from Xposurephotos get so many plum shots of Stunt (clumsily) exiting the car (with a bottle of coloured water)? They were waiting for him. How did they know he would be there? You do the math.

Stunt is not named on any of the Forbes rich lists. The editors probably won’t let him pay to get on the list. If your net worth exceeds $999,999.999, you’ll appear on the Forbes website. They will find or make a category for you if necessary. Listings on digital shanty towns like “richest” and “richlist” that are meaningless. The owners and subscribers aren’t big dreamers who’ve worked hard to amass wealth. They spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to convince you they’re your betters, and that is wasteful.

Eventually, Mr Stunt will be caught doing something very naughty. It’s inevitable with these types of people. They forget it’s not their money. They become more grasping and obnoxious. Soon after that, people stop lending them things. Then hotel and restaurant bills go unpaid instead of comped. Lawyers are called in to demand payment. The papers get wind of it and that’s that.

The rich and famous might crave attention from the media, but the media is nourished by their lifestyles. Celebrity is a planet that journalists access through their privileged lists of contacts, which in turn are made visible by well-paid minions called publicists. It’s a hostile alien world that thrives on rare spirits, listed rankings and borrowed frocks.

In the end, it’s a lot of bother considering that when your pockets are dry, those same people report your disgrace in painstaking detail. Stay away from sycophants. Don’t spend your money for others to see. Enjoy your wealth by staying grounded.

Categories
celebrity fiction

They want to love you but they’re just too cynical

Storm
All I’m saying is, we need to earn our bonuses this year. Can you believe my brain belched that out after spilling the Kraken’s Mortlach on your iPad?

Marcus
Do you think he’ll notice?

Storm
Do you think he’ll care? I mean, our boss move will cement us as the witch doctors of public relations. Here, I think I spilled some on you.

Marcus
I don’t think it’s…

Krajeck
Girls? What’s up. .

Storm
We have a presentation for the Raven account that, if it meets your approval, we should jump on right now.

Krajeck
Speak.

Storm
Marcus wants to pitch first.

Marcus
Thank you, Storm. Raven has needed a new win after that VH1 documentary flopped.

Krajeck
Right. Everyone wants to out-Madonna Madonna. I told her not to do it, but she insisted on having a what?

Storm
An important part of her brand to archive in the history books.

Krajeck
I’ve never met someone so engrossed in their own myth. We kept the VH1 flop out of the press and edited it out of Wikipedia. What? Did you hear she’s shopping for a new publicist?

Marcus
No, Sir. And as for her tour, camera phones took images of empty seats at several concert venues. The rumours about her husband cheating had already come out. So, she might be listening to other people and not just us.

Krajeck
Hmmm. She’s a brand, or whatever. Everything is someone else’s fault. How are perfume sales?

Storm
We bought up this season’s batch right out of the factory in Macau at wholesale price. Her holding company should be reporting a large sales volume.

Krajeck
Where did you dump this batch?

Storm
We gave a bottle to every C list stylist and fashion blogger we could find. Then, we let Chinese customs confiscate the rest. We contacted department stores to tell them there’s a wait list for new product. The rest should pop up on eBay.

Krajeck
Marcus?

Marcus
Thank you. As I was saying. We need to orchestrate a win that has no threat of backfiring negatively. Storm and I came up with a plan to use the firm’s entertainment industry connections in India. We want to do what we’ll call an “unconventional album release.” No marketing, no leaks, no pre-release interviews. We say it’s the fans that made the venture successful.

Krajeck
We bought all of her 13.7 Twitter followers and she’s only tweeted eight times. How can we get an album released in stealth if she hasn’t tweeted since 2013?

Storm
We want to  lock down the largest call centre in Mumbai, JavaStar, and our army of Twitter sock puppets. First, we create a pre-order sales listing for the album. We do not actually upload the album. The call centre workers will use IP proxy software to make purchases from various locations, including the United States.

Krajeck
That’s super expensive. Can’t we buy the album at a huge discount? Like the Samsung deal?

Marcus
Yes, but her image is sustained on this aura of greatness and glory. She can’t maintain that aura by doing things in the conventional way. As for money, it doesn’t matter what the pre-order sales price is. It could be one cent.

Storm
We release the album for pre-order quietly tonight on iTunes at a basement price. JavaStar buys up as many copies as possible before five tomorrow morning, our time. When everyone wakes up, history has been made. Another top-selling album has been born. Number one is what people expect from Raven, but this time, we give them number one with a twist.

Krajeck
Her management team might go for that.

Storm
There are only three people in the world who know about this. We are standing here in this room.

Krajeck
I see your point but someone will notice the basement price tomorrow morning, and one screen grab later, it’s game over.

Marcus
Not if we restore the price to $13.59 by five in the morning. Since there is no album to download, customers will get error messages. It creates confusion, increases demand, and adds to the “we can’t download it fast enough” storyline. Also, we don’t sell individual songs. It’s the whole album at one go. That will generate complaints, which will also feed the story. If someone catches the low price, we pretend it was an iTunes malfunction, but it’ll probably get lost in the noise.

Storm
As I’ve said, we’re not going to need the actual album. We need the album cover art and permission to upload it for sale as a pre-order. Her people don’t ever need to know what we’re up to. She’ll stay with us.

Marcus
For our plan to be found out, someone would have to know the album’s being released tomorrow and then search for the name.

Krajeck
Apple won’t go for it.

Marcus
Actually, they have to go for it. Their contract does not stipulate any minimum or maximum price points. So, we can name any price we want, and change it when we want to. The price change affects her commission only. That’s for her record company to worry about.

Krajeck
How many sales are you aiming for?

Storm
We want to try and do two hundred thousand downloads in four hours. The call centre rents by the hour, and they’ve given us a “four hours for $50,000” deal. In terms of the way iTunes calculates “success” of a release, that many downloads in four hours would be phenomenal. We need a detailed protocol and everyone has to stick to it. It will push the album to number one. The iTunes report would be enough to distract everyone from the failed tour.

Krajeck
So, two hundred thousand downloads at one cent, each. We could use the retainer account to pay for it, but we still have to create one hundred thousand unique iTunes accounts. Factoring in the cost of each gift card, rental space for the call centre and your Twitter people. Great idea, but too much of a bother to execute.

Storm
Not necessarily. And that’s why no one will even think of it.

Krajeck
Walk me through it, one more time.

Marcus
Again, the call centre workers in Mumbai buy up as many of the albums as they can in a short space of time. At 4.55 our time, we tweet about the official release from Raven’s Twitter account. We let the bots retweet to other celebrity Twitter bot accounts to create visibility. At that point, we suspend the buying spree and restore the album pre-release price to the original $13.59. Then we wait for the press to bite.

Krajeck
Are we using the Romanians again?

Storm
Yes. They can make the tweets appear to be globally distributed. We could request that Twitter send those statistics around to the music blogs.

Krajeck
Can we afford three million retweets?

Marcus
Yes, we pay them per hundred thousand tweets anyway, so it’s like thirty units. Costs are minimal. The last time, they told me they install trojans on computers or game consoles as far away as Southeast Asia. So, that’s how I know the retweets are doable in our timeline. While the retweets are happening in Asia, people are at school or at work and won’t notice. When it’s time to start the retweeting in the US, people are at school or at work, well after our sales drive finished in Mumbai. We move backwards from the International Date Line, to mitigate the time discrepancies.

Krajeck
I see. So it looks like the release tweet was done at five in the morning to take advantage of the time lag and get people in Asia to buy her album first. Then, we Americans pick up on it on the same day and that will drive up sales. If this works to raise the legitimate sales and no-one twigs, we do a super download to drive up domestic sales at the end of the year.

Storm
That’s a great idea, since iTunes reports album sales numbers only.

Krajeck
Marcus, I want a complete, step by step technical explanation from your team in Mumbai so I can understand exactly how this stuff works. If something can go wrong, I need to see it beforehand.

Marcus
I’ll get on it right away.

Storm
Sir.

Categories
dining out gourmet

Drinking vicariously

New bottles, different angle
New bottles, different angle